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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect STBXH to buy

103 replies

Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 13:57

Properly fitting school shoes for the children!
My eldest son needed new school shoes as he’d worn his out, I feel very strongly that school shoes should be fitted by a qualified shoe fitter and he’s known this for years DS1 is 8! As it was his weekend I asked if he could pick some up as he needed replacements ASAP!
However he bought them off the shelf- I’ve checked the shoes I feel they don’t fit properly- he has wide feet and high insteps.
I expressed my disappointment as he knows it’s something I feel very strongly about and he’s thrown his teddies out of the pram. “How dare I force my parenting style on him?” and is now refusing to communicate at all!

OP posts:
User12879923378 · 13/05/2019 14:28

Clarks have always been the gold standard for children's shoe fittings in my lifetime

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/05/2019 14:28

I feel similarly about school shoes; they have to fit properly and well, and be sturdy enough to warrant the fortune they cost. So the compromise is that Ex doesn't buy them, I do, because he'd happily go down to Sainsburys and spend £17 on a pair that roughly fit, whereas I'd go to a proper shoe shop to ensure they fit perfectly.

I don't expect Ex to parent the way I parent or make the choices I make. DS is as much his as mine and finding fault with things like this would only breed resentment and unkindness between us, which wouldn't help any of us.

shitholiday2018 · 13/05/2019 14:29

I agree that fitted shoes are better but also that you can’t control his parenting now you’re not together. He can do what he likes. You’re doing to have to deal wit that.

And whilst I agre on fitted shoes, Clarks still make girls’ shoes largely with a tapered toe which I just don’t bloody get, bearing in mind they are supposed to fit a foot, which does not taper at the toe. But accept this is going right off piste.

FuckingDelightful · 13/05/2019 14:30

I suspect there are other frustrations between you both that are making his OTT reaction about the shoes loaded with other emotions as well

Yes, me too. Is it really about shoes and whether or not they are bought at an independent shoe retailer registered to a shoe fitters society or is there more going on?

daisyjgrey · 13/05/2019 14:31

If you feel so incredibly strongly about it then why would you delegate the task? Just do it yourself and then send him the bill.

I don't imagine this is the only thing you've criticised your ex about in regards to parenting, it may well be a case of this being the last straw.

NCforthis2019 · 13/05/2019 14:31

@NoBaggyPants - wow - a bit rude! Just sales assitants?!

ReanimatedSGB · 13/05/2019 14:31

Kids don't die or have their feet fall off if they are bought ordinary shoes. You do sound precious and a bit controlling, unless your DC is saying the shoes are uncomfortable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2019 14:34

I don't expect Ex to parent the way I parent or make the choices I make. DS is as much his as mine and finding fault with things like this would only breed resentment and unkindness between us, which wouldn't help any of us.

Eminently sensible.

Littleduckeggblue · 13/05/2019 14:34

Why can't you just buy them?
I'm presuming he pays child maintenance that should go towards such items.

TraceyLP · 13/05/2019 14:35

Hi,
I think it's a bit much to ask your ex to "pick up" some shoes but you want the one's that cost £40plus (which basically posh measuring feet shops do). Might I suspect you asked their dad to pick up the shoes because you didn't want to spend your own £40+ on them?

If you want the expendive shoes I think you should talk to your ex about going halves on them in future - unless you think he doesn't pay his way in terms of maintenance and then you could discuss whether "proper" shoes could be part of the agreement.

My son usually had a clarks pair - as well as others - when he was little. Now he is a large footed school child and needs two pairs of school shoes in case one gets wet etc plus trainers for home the school shoes come from Matalan for about £14 and the trainers Sports Direct about £20. We find out if they fit by him trying them on.

x2boys · 13/05/2019 14:36

My kids have never had clarks,s fitted shoes their feet are perfectly fine,I know it was a bit thing when I was a kid in the 70,shut shoes are a lot better quality these days I think it's a bit of a fallacy tbh .

Original poster
Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 14:38

Up until now ex was in agreement about getting them properly fitted school shoes!
I’m not the one who’s worked up about it, I usually get them. I only asked as DS1 was desperate for new school shoes- he asked me where to get them 🤷🏻‍♀️
I did offer but it was “his weekend “
Ex is a narcissist hence his OTT reaction

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 13/05/2019 14:40

It isn’t a fallacy but that isn’t the point. It’s something OP cares about.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 13/05/2019 14:43

OP, the fact that it CAN affect yiur DC’s feet is not a reason for you to be able to dictate what your ex does. Lots of things are parenting choices, even though there is one clear better option.
For ex: it is better for a DC’s health to only be fed organic non-processed food, pesticides have effects on health etc, but you wouldn’t expect a parent to dictate that their ex only feeds the DC organic non-processed food.
You can’t say how much screen time they are allowed at his or how much sleep, even though there are WHO guidelines.

Hopoindown31 · 13/05/2019 14:44

As others have said pick your battles.

Lots of children have off the shelf shoes and unless your child has very narrow or wide feet it really doesn't matter.

I presume that the increased costs of your separation and divorce haven't impacted his ability to buy expensive childrens shoes?

JaniceBattersby · 13/05/2019 14:44

Given the volume of kids school shoes I see on shelves in every single supermarket I go in, I suspect that a good proportion of the nation’s children are not wearing shoes fitted by a member of the society of shoe fitters

I think Clark’s have the most impressive marketing scheme of any business I have ever seen. They have convinced generations of parents that their children’s feet will be malformed if they are fitted by trained shoe fitters, and with very little competition on the high street, they’ve done a number on the whole of the country, really, haven’t they?

Guess what will happen if your child wears cheap shoes OP? NOTHING. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.

FuckingDelightful · 13/05/2019 14:44

It’s something OP cares about

And clearly it isn't something her ex does. Unfortunately that's not her decision.

Original poster
Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 14:45

@TraceyLP I had offered to go halves on them, I usually buy them myself. Seeing as I buy most of their clothes I think it’s onlyfair for him to put his hand in his pocket once in a while.
He doesn’t pay any maintenance, he only started contributing to childcare costs 6 months ago. We have the children 50/50!

OP posts:
x2boys · 13/05/2019 14:46

A properly diagnosed narcissist,or a mumsnet diagnosed narcissist?

Boom45 · 13/05/2019 14:47

Properly fitted shoes on growing feet are important - shoes that don't fit can give children a lifetime of foot problems and even when I've been so skint I've saved for good school shoes. I don't think it's over the top to insist on that at all.

FuckingDelightful · 13/05/2019 14:47

I think it’s onlyfair for him to put his hand in his pocket once in a while

It is fair OP but unfortunately whilst the children are with him, you don't get to dictate what he buys them especially with 50/50.

FuckingDelightful · 13/05/2019 14:49

I don't think it's over the top to insist on that at all

But OP doesn't get to insist that her ex do anything. Providing they are an involved co parent, it really isn't up to her what they buy on their time.

If you want to insist on something I'm afraid the only way to ensure it is by doing it yourself.

CheesyWeez · 13/05/2019 14:56

If you never have any problems with your feet then most shoes are good for you.
DD, DS and I have slightly unusual feet (very wide and high instep) so we totally get why it's important for us to get properly fitted shoes or our feet ACHE
YANBU OP I would be furious. Ask him to get the winter coats next time? Or something you mind less about!

Original poster
Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 15:01

They have very wide feet, take after me unfortunately!, I didn’t insist on going only to Clark’s, Clarks isn’t the only shoe shop that measures and fits children’s shoes! Besides I’m not a big fan of Clark’s due to bad experiences in the past.
I’ve had problems with my feet due to having shoes that were too narrow! Hence preferring their school shoes fitted!
At the end of the day the pair he bought doesn’t fit!
He earns three times my salary so I don’t think price was an issue!

OP posts:
rainbowlovesfroot · 13/05/2019 15:05

YABVVU

He doesn’t have to agree with you, he bought ur son shoes and if you don’t like them return them and buy a new pair at ur expense. Ur son won’t die from shoes that aren’t fitted. Is it really worth arguing over this ?

In addition , if you have him 50/50 he doesn’t have to pay childcare costs that aren’t in his time or child maintenance