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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect STBXH to buy

103 replies

Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 13:57

Properly fitting school shoes for the children!
My eldest son needed new school shoes as he’d worn his out, I feel very strongly that school shoes should be fitted by a qualified shoe fitter and he’s known this for years DS1 is 8! As it was his weekend I asked if he could pick some up as he needed replacements ASAP!
However he bought them off the shelf- I’ve checked the shoes I feel they don’t fit properly- he has wide feet and high insteps.
I expressed my disappointment as he knows it’s something I feel very strongly about and he’s thrown his teddies out of the pram. “How dare I force my parenting style on him?” and is now refusing to communicate at all!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2019 15:05

Sounds like he couldn’t be arsed. My dd has very wide feet. She wore Clarks until recently. Now she prefers fashion shoes but they still have to fit well.

Sirzy · 13/05/2019 15:08

I think Ds was about three when I realised that “shoe fitting” was just a way to push expensive shoes on you and they where no better fitting. Ds is under podiatry and physio and both have confirmed there is no need for it as long as you make sure shoes fit.

If you think it’s so important then I think it becomes your responsibility to make sure it’s done

Original poster
Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 15:22

@x2boys Are narcissists ever properly diagnosed? Given their manipulative tendencies ?
I entrusted the task to him as I trusted him to the job properly and DS1 needed new shoes as his were completely worn out and couldn’t wait another another week! Otherwise I would have happily got them myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 15:24

@rainbowlovesfroot he wasn’t paying childcare costs at all until January, I was paying 100%

OP posts:
tickingthebox · 13/05/2019 15:27

your mistake is telling him he's done it wrong, you should just have bounced it back - in a "Ds's shoes don't fit, can you change them" way.... Ds says they are too tight across the instep...

MyCatHatesEverybody · 13/05/2019 15:28

If you son's feet are so special and important why did you let him go round in shoes that were so bad they couldn't wait another few days to be replaced?

Original poster
Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 15:32

@sirzy how do I make sure shoes for a growing child fit? I’m not comfortable fitting their shoes myself hence preferring them to be fitted by someone who does it day in day out!
I’m not happy doing it myself.
The shoes my ex have bought are too narrow, they are going to rub him raw! DS1 likes them because of the brand and they weren’t cheap!

OP posts:
Geminijes · 13/05/2019 15:46

@Thelonewolf

I’m not comfortable fitting their shoes .....then you say

The shoes my ex have bought are too narrow

Sounds as if you are able to judge if the shoes fit him.

If your son was desperate for new shoes and couldn't have managed another week in his old shoes then I'm surprised that you hadn't taken him for new shoes earlier.

GPatz · 13/05/2019 15:55

'Up until now ex was in agreement about getting them properly fitted school shoes'!

This is what gets me. If he's been happy to get properly fitting shoes for the last eight years, why change his mind now?

If (as I expect some people will say) it's because it was probably easier for him to just to agree with the OP at the time, he would have still have been paying for them through joint money. Sounds like he is being a bit difficult.

VanGoghsDog · 13/05/2019 16:09

You sound a bit barmy, sorry.

user2928362 · 13/05/2019 16:15

Realistically with it being mid-May, he's probably expecting that the shoes will only be worn for 10ish weeks and its not worth splashing out for an expensive pair for such a short period of time. Furthermore, most specialist independent shops open something like 9-3 on a Saturday and not at all on a Sunday so it may well be that it wasn't convenient for him to go shopping during those extremely limited hours whereas the supermarket will be open long hours on Saturday and 10/11-4/5 on Sunday.

KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 13/05/2019 16:19

I think when you know he's not going to provide what you specifically want, then asking him to buy them rather than trying to provide the receipts or something, is a bit goading. Your post comes across kind of like that. Sorry for having less tact than usual. But it's quite obvious to me that not expecting something you know you won't get, is less stressful.

specterlitt · 13/05/2019 16:20

Good lord, another drip feed where the male ex is a narcissist.. apparently. I assume no diagnosis but your own.

Considering the way you're behaving on this thread, I dread what you actually said to him. If you are that particular - do it yourself you'll save yourself the hassle. Furthermore, has your son said he's uncomfortable, I'm sure his DAD communicated with him during the process, no?

Pick your battles, seriously. Hmm.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 13/05/2019 16:22

I have flat feet, my parents made sure I had properly fitted well made shoes for the whole of my childhood and scrimped and saved to afford them. DM was livid when I came home from uni in a pair of £4 Primark ballet flats 😁.
He's as much of a parent as you are and entitled to make choices, if you want them in certain shoes when you have them, buy them.

Justbreathing · 13/05/2019 16:27

You’ve just got to let it go.
You’re actually sounding slightly unhinged about a pair of shoes.
This is NOT ABOUT THE SHOES
that much is about obvious

Fabellini · 13/05/2019 16:34

Ds1 likes them because of the brand and they weren’t cheap
So your ex doesn't mind paying for his child’s shoes then, he just hasn’t bought the exact ones you think he should?

Original poster
Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 16:43

I wasn’t able to take him any sooner hence asking Dad if he could get him some fitted school shoes! I normally get them myself!
It was only school shoes that I asked he get fitted properly! Obviously I was wrong to ask 🙄 and it was an unreasonable request!

OP posts:
outvoid · 13/05/2019 16:48

YABU.

Never had my DC’s feet measured and they’re fine 🤷🏻‍♀️

OohItsTheSoundOfThePolice · 13/05/2019 17:00

Why post on AIBU is you're not open to the fact you may be BU?

CanuckBC · 13/05/2019 17:11

I agree with you! I have horrible feet and inspire wearing decent shoes as a child and adult they have only gotten worse. My children have only worn decent shoes with good support. They have orthotics from a podiatrist.

My ex has never bought them shoes, ever🙄 In the end I am ok with that as he would buy the cheapest pair from Walmart possible. I wouldn’t let them wear them🤷‍♀️

Mine does pay child support and expects it to pay for everything. It never does…

chitofftheshovel · 13/05/2019 17:14

So if I'm reading this correctly your son's shoes fell apart so dramatically in the space between your weekend and his father's weekend that it was imperative that his father buy him new shoes, at the shop of your choice. Were there no signs of wear and tear beforehand?

Original poster
Thelonewolf · 13/05/2019 17:25

I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask my ex to get school shoes that fit, the ones he bought don’t fit and he should have had him fitted for shoes as we’d always done in the past that’s all!
All I did was tell him that the shoes don’t fit and asked why he didn’t go where we normally go?
It’s been blown way out of proportion!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 13/05/2019 17:25

Your the one blowing it out of proportion!

Shoes don’t suddenly fall apart in a week (and if they do they are shit ones in the first place!) so maybe don’t leave these things to the last minute if you want to be picky

Walkingdeadfangirl · 13/05/2019 17:27

YABU.

There is nothing wrong with off the shelf shoes. Parents are able to check themselves if the shoes fit before buying them. Millions of people like myself have been doing it for decades and we don't have an epidemic of children with deformed feet.

If you have an obsession for one type of shoe then buy them yourself.

BlackPrism · 13/05/2019 17:28

@Alsohuman you can't know that that's why though... I have a high instep and always had off the shelf shoes and my feet are also 'immaculate' - some people just have good feet.