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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think things said whilst drunk, show a persons true colours?

54 replies

BaaLamby · 13/05/2019 13:40

I Was at a wedding at the weekend and my hubby had a lot to drink. He’s not normally much of a drinker and we have been together for 8 mostly happy years! When we got back we were messing around and joking but he took offence to something he wouldn’t normally and his response was really nasty and out of character. It was in front of my Mum who was really shocked. I don’t know if I’m being sensitive because I came out of a very abusive relationship and it’s triggering me! I haven’t spoken to him about it yet. I doubt he’ll remember saying it and I’m not sure it’s even worth it but if I did and he accepted it and apologised I will still have this nagging doubt that he meant it. Does drink really lift the inhibitions and reveal a persons true colours. My friend who is a counsellor says not

OP posts:

Youshallnotpass · 13/05/2019 13:44

Drink lowers your inhibitions. Meaning he may think the things he said to you at other times but wouldn't say it to your face.

So, showing a persons true colours is sort of accurate... he sounds like a dick though

Namestheyareachangin · 13/05/2019 13:46

From myself I would say not exactly. Drunken 'honesty' feels honest at the time, but really it takes a grain of truth of something unsaid or unacknowledged and totally distorts or magnifies it out of its right sense. Similar to being in the grip of hormones - it disinhibits but it also completely skews ones judgement and sense of proportion. It also makes one needlessly argumentative ime. Thank you for a reminder of why I no longer get drunk!

However, in your case I'd be wary as you say you had an abusive relationship previously, and this means you are at risk for another unless you have done some work on your self esteem and boundaries. certainly better for you to be over-rather than under-sensitive at this point, don't let anything slide that gives you concern.

Confront him on it, be explicit about your concerns - how he responds to you asserting yourself and holding him to account when he's sober will tell you what you need to know.

Lifecraft · 13/05/2019 13:50

What you say when drunk doesn't always show your true colours. But the way people talk or treat those they have power over definitely does.

If you're with someone who is rude or dismissive to the waiter/waitress, or doesn't say good morning to the office cleaner, or talks on the phone whilst at the checkout, not even acknowledging their existence, then run for the hills.

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 13/05/2019 13:53

I don’t believe drunk people always mean the things they say, or “in vino veritas”.
I’ve been a total dickhead when drunk before, maybe only ever once or twice in 12 years.
One time I got into an argument with mum who I adore, I don’t remember how, why or what about but apparently I got very angry and told her I wished she was dead!
I absolutely adore my mum, she’s fantastic and I was vile to her. My drunken mistake definitely did not reflect my true feelings towards her. At the time I was actually really stressed out about the breakdown or a relationship and took it out on her for some reason.
I apologise profusely and didn’t drink again for a long time.

If he’s never been like this before in 8 years I would say the other 2,919 days you’ve spent with him reflect his true character. I would be cross and upset with him, but I think one drunken outburst wouldn’t be enough for me to want to end an otherwise happy relationship if he was truly remorseful about his behaviour.

Hopeygoflightly · 13/05/2019 13:55

No it doesn't. Sometimes it just shows you at your worst, and most unkind which actually isn't the real you in a sense. I wouldn't say me on my worst day is the 'real' me, shitty me is one of the many things that make up my personality, and usually thankfully a very small part of me.
I'd talk to him but give him a pass if this is out of character.

Mildura · 13/05/2019 13:56

I was once told that only 3 things do not lie:

Small children
Alcohol
Leggings

randomncftw · 13/05/2019 14:04

I talk ABSOLUTE NONSENSE when I’ve had a drink. I have hurt peoples feelings in the past ☹️ for saying things I don’t even half believe. I don’t think ‘the truth comes out when drunk’ is the case for everyone at all.

Shallowhals · 13/05/2019 14:17

No I don't think this is always the case. I'm generally a pleasant drunk (well back in the days when I used to drink before DC came along) but there were two instances in my life when I was horrible after having too much to drink. I said some really horrible things to those close to me (my then partner in one instance and my sister in the other). I didn't mean these things at all and was utterly mortified the next day. I'm crimson with shame even recalling this

On both occasions I was going through extremely stressful periods in my life and I think it was just build up anger that I let out at the wrong people.

Complainingagain · 13/05/2019 14:21

No! Absolutely NOT! Alcohol does not reflect the true person in any sense although it can sometimes make them say things they'd not otherwise say. However it can also make them speak utter nonsense. He was drunk, just let it go if it was a one off.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/05/2019 14:21

I don't think it's always the truth, more an open mouth and lowered sensibilities making sure you put your foot in it. When you're sober you're more cautious with words so as not to hurt people or to say things which might be misinterpreted; when you're drunk that goes out of the window. So it might not be the truth, just a mad version of the real you, one without filters and kindness.

In your circumstances I think I'd talk to him about it. Especially if your Mum was there and overheard enough to feel shocked. You're entitled to feel hurt by his words wether he remembers them or not, wether he's sorry for them or not. How he handles your hurt will tell you volumes about who he is.

Lifecraft · 13/05/2019 14:24

I was once told that only 3 things do not lie:

Small children
Alcohol
Leggings

And the league table (football wise).

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/05/2019 14:26

YANBU. A drunken mind speaks the truth. That's when all your hidden feelings and deep thoughts come out.
If someone pissed or a child said to me"Spider you stink". Id believe them

Namestheyareachangin · 13/05/2019 14:41

Nah that's bollocks Spider.

I think if there's any definitive evidence to disprove the old 'in vino veritas' saw, it's a drunk person sitting incapable on the floor in a puddle of their own sick insisting volubly to anyone who will listen that they're not the least bit drunk, perfectly fine etc. The mouth is working overtime but the brain has clocked off for the night!

shitholiday2018 · 13/05/2019 14:50

I don’t think it’s always so actually. My mum and my sister are both aggressive drunks. My mum, who is lovely and with whom I am very tight, once got a bit pissed and said some horrible things. She is not a horrible person and I dot think it showed her true colours. I just don’t think alcohol really agrees to her when drunk to excess. She usually moderates for this reason. I think if I were you I would be asking my husband to do that, but I wouldn’t be thinking it was a sign that he genuinely thinks the things he may have said.

daisyjgrey · 13/05/2019 14:53

I was married to someone who was absolutely obnoxious to me when he drank. He'd be sober the next day and apologise and say he didn't mean it. Repeat cycle.

My logic is if you're horrible when you're drunk and you genuinely don't mean it - as in there is not one tiny grain of truth behind it and it's just being exacerbated by the alcohol - then you shouldn't drink.
If drinking is more important than the person/people you're horrible to, I don't want to be a part of it.

Nesssie · 13/05/2019 14:55

Yes. I think the things people say when drunk or angry are things they are thinking/have thought before. The alcohol and adrenaline have just lowered their inhibitions and they say it.

ImposterSyndrome101 · 13/05/2019 16:43

When drink is in wit is out. Doesn't make it true, just means your most likely to say the first things that pop into your head. At least that's what it does to me.

TheFaerieQueene · 13/05/2019 16:45

In vino veritas.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/05/2019 16:47

What did he say?

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/05/2019 16:48

I don’t think so. Most drink makes me very merry, happy and cuddly (apart from neat gin what makes my cry). I am not a happy and cuddly person in real life.

XiCi · 13/05/2019 16:52

No sorry, people just become idiots sometimes when they're really pissed. Definitely not a reflection of who they really are. Id probably bring this up with DH the next day and expect an apology but apart from that I honestly wouldn't give this a second thought.

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 13/05/2019 16:54

No, I think most people talk a load of bollocks when drunk, me included. I don't think anything someone says when they're pissed can be taken too seriously.

Vulpine · 13/05/2019 16:58

There are nice drunks and mean drunks. They both reveal what's inside.

AliceAbsolum · 13/05/2019 17:00

No not at all. Alcohol is a nasty drug. Definitely isn't truth serum.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/05/2019 17:08

I’m a nice drunk. Can’t say that’s what’s inside to be honest.

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