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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think things said whilst drunk, show a persons true colours?

54 replies

BaaLamby · 13/05/2019 13:40

I Was at a wedding at the weekend and my hubby had a lot to drink. He’s not normally much of a drinker and we have been together for 8 mostly happy years! When we got back we were messing around and joking but he took offence to something he wouldn’t normally and his response was really nasty and out of character. It was in front of my Mum who was really shocked. I don’t know if I’m being sensitive because I came out of a very abusive relationship and it’s triggering me! I haven’t spoken to him about it yet. I doubt he’ll remember saying it and I’m not sure it’s even worth it but if I did and he accepted it and apologised I will still have this nagging doubt that he meant it. Does drink really lift the inhibitions and reveal a persons true colours. My friend who is a counsellor says not

OP posts:

user87382294757 · 13/05/2019 17:10

I know some people who speak nonsense when drunk.

L1nkedOut · 13/05/2019 17:18

I think it would make me wary.

I rarely drink so much i lose the run of my self but if i d8d id have a tendency to giggle, talk too much, laugh ay nothing, flip sides; paranoia and self pity. The good and bad dtunken behavior would be exaggerated sides of me.

steppemum · 13/05/2019 17:26

No.
I think that when drunk we can be nasty, in a way we wouldn't dream of and don't mean. (not always, just that it is possible)

so, get drunk, get a bit upset with someone you love and then the effect of the alcohol makes you say something hurtful. Now, if you know the person well, then you are perfectly capable of saying the one thing that you know will hurt them, eg you are fat and unattractive. BUT this doesn't mean that you actually think that, what it means is that you know that saying that thing will hurt, and your normal restraint which would stop you from hurting someone you care about has been removed.

The 'in vino veritas' thing to me, is more about how when we are drunk we spill the beans of any secrets we know about. Out comes the truth.

Both of which explain why I don't get drunk any more!

LynetteScavo · 13/05/2019 17:56

I'm not sure I love my friends quite as much as I claim at the end of a big night out.

QueenBlueberries · 13/05/2019 18:01

No, I'm an absolute diva when I'm drunk, I cry and hate the world and my husband and my friends don't love me. I'm the one in the corner crying her eyes out demanding attention from everyone. In real life I'm a well balanced and normal person who hates attention and I have a lovely group of friends! All my friends know about my 'reaction' to alcohol and they just laugh at me basically. So I think you're wrong in saying that alcohol makes you say the truth. Maybe after a drink or two you kind of open up a bit and talk a bit more freely, but being drunk makes me say the most increadible things that have nothing to do with my actual life.

HenSolo · 13/05/2019 18:02

So glad to see other people saying that you don’t necessarily speak the truth when drunk. Had a terrible drinking problem in my twenties, couldn’t hold my drink and became a vile drunk. Said things I know I didn’t mean, however people really believe that ‘in vino veritas’ so my reputation really suffered. My own fault of course but I really didn’t mean the awful things I said!

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/05/2019 18:06

Maybe after one drink your inhibitions may drop and you might confide some gossip or tell a rude joke. But after that it’s mostly Bullshit I suspect!

EmeraldShamrock · 13/05/2019 18:28

I don't think it shows their true colours.
OK if the gave you a well thought out list of things they hate about you, Yes it could be on their mind earlier.
Though if it was a drunk reaction, not his usually form, I think alcohol can make people say and do stupid things.
Did he apologies to your DM.

Orangeballon · 13/05/2019 18:37

If someone turns nasty while under the influence of alcohol then they should stop drinking. They do say that a person who hides their nastiness shows their true colours while under the influence of alcohol. Certainly was the case with my ex.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/05/2019 18:39

Maybe different people process the alcohol differently?

weAllSingAlongLikeBefore · 13/05/2019 20:17

I've said many daft things whilst drunk and come out with "views" that I definitely don't have, it's like I become an actress. So no, I don't think people necessarily shows their true colours.

justarandomtricycle · 13/05/2019 20:20

I don't think this is the case.

I've affirmed my love for people I really don't love when drunk, it makes you talk crap sometimes.

Original poster

BaaLamby · 14/05/2019 14:33

Interesting mix of responses! there’s 2 issues for me. DH is a very stoical man, he had a very Victorian upbringing! A man should be a man, not cry or show emotions etc. I’ve learnt to accept that to a degree but now I think if he normally keeps all this inside then how do I know this isn’t really what he thinks. Just for context, my abusive ex was finically abusive. I had no access to money while our son was a toddler. While I was a sahm he only gave me a little of cash for food. He sold my car. My mother helped me out with money for clothes, etc, he had total control over me and DS. My current DH knows all of this and this was what he said to me in his drunken state! After my innocuous joke about not doing something for him, he came back with ‘then I will withdraw all financial support for you!’ I have a chronic condition so can no longer work which he encouraged! The long hours and stress meant my condition was deteriorating. So this really is the worst thing he could have said to me, it’s triggered all of my fears.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2019 14:38

That sounds more like a stupid, ugly, mistimed joke. The kind of thing people say because they (drunk and stupid) think enough time has passed to joke about something.

He's an idiot absolutely but I'm not sure this is a case of in vino veritas.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 14/05/2019 14:47

having read your update it sounds like the kind of utterly ill-judged unfunny 'jest' that pissed people merrily come out with.

I understand that this has really bothered you but I would try to put it behind you, and don't read too much, indeed anything at all, into it.

thistimeofyear · 14/05/2019 14:58

I think if you are very stressed and/or unhappy already then after a few you say mean things - in my experience
I would have an honest chat with him

Catchingbentcoppers · 14/05/2019 15:03

I chat utter shite when I drink too much. It certainly doesn't reflect how I really feel.

Icandothisallday · 14/05/2019 15:04

Its possible, because he was drunk, he didnt even connect it with your past.

You said you wouldnt do something for him, so he said he wouldnt provide something for you.

Unless you have seen hints, when sober, that he is controlling with money, I would tell him it upset me and why and then let it go.

Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 15:13

I think if you have experienced financial abuse you are bonkers to allow yourself to become financially dependent again tbh. Never mind him and what he says and what he does or doesn't mean. The reason you are afraid is because you have given him the power over you you most fear him leveraging. Why?

I think you need to consider your financial position with him out of it. What would you do if he did withdraw all financial support? How would you and your son manage? If the answer is you'd need to leave him in order to claim benefits, then you need to start looking at ways you can equalise your position and secure your independence within the relationship, e.g. get yourself on mortgage papers if not already on for property you live in, ensure if savings are in joint accounts you have some in your own personal account, any benefits you are eligible for e.g. child benefit paid to your personal account etc. Don't put yourself in a position that leaves you vulnerable and frightens you.

I don't know if he was chatting drunk shite or not; you don't either. But knowing your backstory it is a sick sick joke for him to have made. The fact he has 'encouraged' you into the same dependency you were in with your abusive ex is concerning; the fact he has then used it against you in a silly drunken spat is more so. If being with him means you become dependant on his goodwill, then being with him is not what's best for you.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 14/05/2019 15:33

^^^

with respect, I think all that is a good example of overthinking this.

Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 15:43

@WeepingWillow

You do? Well looking at it from another angle, what possible harm could there be in the OP ensuring her financial independence? it would be an objectively safer position for her if things are potentially iffy, and if they're not it will allow her to be a lot more laid back about 'jokes' like this. So where's the downside?

Charlieandthechocolatecake · 14/05/2019 16:38

Alcohol definitely lowers your inhibitions. I love when DP has had one too many, he always professes his undying love for me!

That said, people aren't themselves when inebriated, you've been together 8 years, this is a one off. Don't judge him because of your past. Do speak to him though, If he's a good man he'll be more than apologetic and reign it in a bit in future x

Yabbers · 14/05/2019 16:50

Things said can be written off. Change in attitude can’t.

Knitclubchatter · 14/05/2019 16:59

Well OP let MI6 and all the other spy agency in on alcohol as a magic truth serum. Much cheaper than sodium Pentothal.
Loose lips sinks ships but I’d probably be more prone to not believe a word a drunk said.

BertsFriend · 14/05/2019 17:03

I talk complete crap when drunk. I've told colleagues I can't stand that we should see more of each other socially, and I've said mean things to people I'm fond of that I've never even thought when sober. I agree with pps that it totally skews the thought process, especially if he's not used to it. So it was probably just the ramblings of a temporary madness.

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