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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child accessed inappropriate video on grandparents phone

70 replies

liveto · 13/05/2019 12:53

I’m fuming. Dd is 8, been really out of sorts for a while. Yesterday was particularly bad. After bed time she came through crying saying she needed to talk. A month ago while at her grandparents... she was given my stepfathers phone to keep occupied while my dm was watching tv. She says this video opened on YouTube and immediately closed the window and started crying. She said she’s to scared to tell me what’s she saw but that the man was hurting the lady’s private parts... so I think it was porn. Whatever it was she immediately told my dm and was crying... they briefly chatted then it was bed time.

I’m fuming because I feel my dm should have told me what happened. It’s obviously been playing on my dd’s mind and thinks the woman in the video was hurt.

AIBU or expecting too much? To have expected my DM let me know?
Going to address with my DM but just so angry atm.

OP posts:
HBStowe · 13/05/2019 12:55

Yanbu, your DM should definitely have told you so that you could support your DD appropriately.

Mintandthyme · 13/05/2019 12:55

Yes your mother should have told you.

Butterymuffin · 13/05/2019 12:58

Yes, they should not only have told you but apologised for exposing your child to that. You definitely need a conversation with your mum. Are you happy with her going there? What's her step grandfather like?

OrchidInTheSun · 13/05/2019 13:04

That's considered child abuse. I wouldn't let my child go round again

snowdrop6 · 13/05/2019 13:06

It’s a way to desensitise children to get them to accept abuse .
Show the videos and tell them it’s normal.

Readytogogogo · 13/05/2019 13:08

The VERY LEAST your DM should have done was tell you what had happened.

wellballstoyou · 13/05/2019 13:09

Id be onto your mum at that! she should ve told you. Plus if hes looking at that on his phone around a child Id be keeping a close eye on him. Depending on the relationship you have with them , suggest/ tell him to lock his phone!! dirty fecker.

If that was me I`d be saying no unsupervised visits after that.

barryfromclareisfit · 13/05/2019 13:11

Oh.
My child wouldn’t be left with those people again.
I think it’s abuse.

Teddybear45 · 13/05/2019 13:13

A lot of YouTube cartoons aimed at kids are fake and porn often starts playing after a few minutes. I think you just need to remind your parents of this; and not to let your DD watch anything on the internet unsupervised.

barryfromclareisfit · 13/05/2019 13:14

Have you gently asked your dd if anything else has happened at grandma’s house that is worrying her?

Sculpin · 13/05/2019 13:15

I would be furious too OP.

QueenofallIsee · 13/05/2019 13:18

You must have it out with your parents- you really cannot be too vigilant on this. If it was a mistake then they need to be told that you must be told of incidents or they will not have her again. if (god forbid) it is more sinister, it is crucial that a potential abuser knows that the child has an adult willing to protect them, that their behaviour is under scrutiny etc. I would not send DD there again for a while in any case

KnittingSister · 13/05/2019 13:19

I suggest contacting NSPCC for proper advice for this. And not to let her see these people again unsupervised.

Original poster
liveto · 13/05/2019 13:21

Spoke to dm now. She apologized saying it’s an oversight to have not told me. She assumed dd would and knew if I had an issue I would talk to her.

Her attitude is passive and she has minimized this... although she did say my dd was very upset and crying that evening at her house.

Unfortunately this emphasizes some serious issues I have with my dm. I will not allow my dd there without being present myself.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 13/05/2019 13:23

I find it hard to believe that this was an accident. I'd be really concerned about this - the fact that it's happened plus the fact that your parents didn't tell you?

Very concerning.

GabsAlot · 13/05/2019 13:26

good decision op-minimising it is a red flag to me-she thought your child would tell you-how awful

nokidshere · 13/05/2019 13:28

A bit of an overreaction here.

YouTube is notorious for unacceptable videos. And if the gps had been looking at porn then they would be well advised to make sure that the last watched video doesn't open when you access it. It's really easy to be watching something and have inappropriate material be alongside in the links. When my son was younger he was doing a nature thing at school and for his homework he was researching. He googled "Russian birds" and I don't need to spell out what came up on the screen.

Yes they should have checked the phone before giving it to your child. Yes they should have told you. Yes they should make sure anything they give to a child has proper controls in place. I would have no issue with telling them how stupid they were.

But to imply that they did it on purpose, or never to let them see their grandchild again is a bit of a stretch unless there have been any other incidents that cause concern.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/05/2019 13:28

She thought DD would tell you so didn't bother herself???

You've made the right decision there OP, no unsupervised contact. I would also be digging a bit deeper. That's a shocking response from your DM.

nokidshere · 13/05/2019 13:29

Unfortunately this emphasizes some serious issues I have with my dm. I will not allow my dd there without being present myself.

Obviously cross posted

Readytogogogo · 13/05/2019 13:31

@nokidshere A big issue here is the fact that DM didn't tell OP. Do you really think that's not concerning?

Spotsandstars · 13/05/2019 13:32

That's AWFUL!!!!! Not acceptable in any way! These things do not just flash up unexpectedly. He had obviously visited sites previously (vomit). Then to give the phone to a child without any restrictions etc is naive and frankly disgusting. You dm may be ok with that but I wouldn't be.

nokidshere · 13/05/2019 13:33

@nokidshere A big issue here is the fact that DM didn't tell OP. Do you really think that's not concerning?

Of course which is why I said they should have been told in my post.

myhamster · 13/05/2019 13:35

This is a massive safeguarding issue. If he knew he had viewed porn on his phone he should have checked it before handing it over to DD.

Your mum should have told you immediately so that you could talk to your DD about it, so the fact that she didn't means that she knew you wouldn't be very happy.

Do you have any other concerns about your Stepfather? How long has he been part of the family?

Original poster
liveto · 13/05/2019 13:36

I’ve been in a really tough emotional place lately. Anxiety and depression. Something that I struggle with on a daily basis that is crippling me and I’m left fighting this fear in my corner... is that something like that would happen to my children.

I was abused as a child by a close family friend’s oldest son. I was 10, he was 17... I told my mom the day after it happened. She did NOTHING. She told NO ONE. Not my father. Not his parents. No one. I still had to be around him because the families socialized together every week.

I’m (hyper) vigilant and don’t allow sleep overs and watch like a hawk... the only sleep over I allowed was this at my dm. We spent a lot of time talking in the past that she knows she failed me as a parent by doing nothing when I told her about what had happened to me. I thought I could trust her with my kids. I’m fuming and devastated to know I potentially put my dd is harms way...

OP posts:
wellballstoyou · 13/05/2019 13:37

well thats a big red flag there OP.

IF there was anything sinister (past or now) then your dm would be just as guilty as stepdad in allowing stuff to go in her knowledge. My own dm did this. And stood by him!