Child accessed inappropriate video on grandparents phone

[liveto]

I’m fuming. Dd is 8, been really out of sorts for a while. Yesterday was particularly bad. After bed time she came through crying saying she needed to talk. A month ago while at her grandparents... she was given my stepfathers phone to keep occupied while my dm was watching tv. She says this video opened on YouTube and immediately closed the window and started crying. She said she’s to scared to tell me what’s she saw but that the man was hurting the lady’s private parts... so I think it was porn. Whatever it was she immediately told my dm and was crying... they briefly chatted then it was bed time.

I’m fuming because I feel my dm should have told me what happened. It’s obviously been playing on my dd’s mind and thinks the woman in the video was hurt.

AIBU or expecting too much? To have expected my DM let me know?
Going to address with my DM but just so angry atm.

Depends what the 'previous issues' are, really. As PP have said, careless search terms can bring up adult sites, and there are bits and bobs on Youtube which start out as harmless and childfriendly and then suddenly up pops a bare bottom or something worse: these are either unpleasant pranksters or occasionally something more sinister.
The point is that a DC might see such a thing and it be no one's fault, at least not the fault of anyone in the family/household.

Mind you, it's not entirely impossible, by the sound of it, that what your DD saw wasn't porn. It could have been something about FGM, or surgery, or even a video of birth (to a child, footage of an episiotomy, for instance, would be pretty distressing.) Do the GPs have any interest or professional connection with medicine, or campainging against FGM?

Your mum is not capable of outing your daughter first. Don't leave your dd with her.

Putting

My stepfather has been in our lives for 20 years. I have had no concerns till now.

Wow... she should definitely have told you. Eurgh too for now knowing your SF uses porn... it's the kind of thing I know every man must do, but never think about, and it's bloody horrible when the fact is shoved in your face.

It's a bit like giving a kid matches to play with - older people haven't grown up with tech and so are often far less savvy about screening children from accidentally turning this stuff up in browsing history or whatever.

Jesus, I'm so sorry, it's horrible that this has happened OP.

Firstly, it's very reassuring that your DD has come to you and told you. Make sure you keep the dialogue open and give her lots of love, she's done nothing wrong.

Secondly, you would know better than anyone here if this could have been intentional. If you think it could have been, your reaction needs to be incredibly strong and leave no possibility that this could happen again.

The best case scenario is it's accidental and you know now that they cannot effectively look after her.

Absolutely no more smartphone access. Yours or theirs. They are not for 8 year olds.

so your dm hasnt learnt?

then your descision for supervised visits is a good one. She obviously cannot be trusted given your talking to her about the past events! Watch step dad like a hawk.

I think OP mum thats all very understandable and good for you protecting your Daughter but it seems these days porn and dodgy youtube and webconternt is getting harder to avoid.

Some years ago when we first had cable TV my daugher and her mates found a few porn chanels on there which I didnt even know were there, they were blocked out the very next day only problem is now its not just the net its phones too, tho i believe some of them can be asked to block adult sites but not sure that youtube comes under that but as best I know for some you tube content you do have to sign in.

I think you can only do your best but it seems your fighting a tide these days:(

FFS I would be fuming, I never let DD use dad's PC, although he is near 70 I know he has adult content on it.
Your Sdad is a idiot, I bet he'll blame a random YouTube ad.

It’s only abusive if it’s done deliberately ( with some degree of intent) and there doesn’t appear to be any evidence to show that. I’m not saying you’re wrong to be upset though. Without knowing the history of your family it’s hard to make any sort of judgement but I can easily see how an older person with less IT savvy might think an internet page is closed when it is in fact minimised. I should imagine your DM felt exceptionally embarrassed about the whole thing unless she truly is a vile person. That doesn’t mean I’d let my DD go and visit again unsupervised any time soon - but similarly I wouldn’t go NC over that alone.

OP, I was already concerned that there could be more to it than her having seen porn before your post about your DM enabling your abuse/forcing you to be around your abuser.

I think you need to get some advice from social care or the police and explore with your DD why this upset her so much. Why would she assume that the woman was experiencing pain? Young children don't always feel able to tell everything.

It's good that you won't allow them unsupervised access to your DD but I think you need to do more than that.

Exposing a child to pornography is a form of sexual abuse.

You are right to never leave your daughter there unattended again.

I would be screaming at your stepfather. I would consider reporting to the police.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you as a child and the fact that your mother not only failed to protect you but now your daughter as well. I hope you're able to access counselling.

Ok so that's just one too many coincidences isn't it?

So you were abused as a child and your mother made it crystal clear that her choice was, at best, to fail to support you: at worst, to then knowingly continue to leave you in harm's way.

Now you have your own child and your experiences have made you vigilant - surprisingly however, the one person you will leave your child in the care of is the one person who has demonstrated how skewed her boundaries are on this and how little she is to be trusted.

And lo... the very first (I think you've said it's actually the first) time you allow a sleepover situation, something like this happens involving the man your boundary-skewed mother has chosen to be with. Right.

Either this is a troll thread (apologies, I say this simply to underline how eyebrow-raising this situation is: I have no reason not to believe your story) or there are one too many coincidences here and I would have a real problem passing this off as some sort of mistake.

Your mother thinks child abuse is no big deal.
Your stepfather, her choice of man, leaves porn open on his phone and hands it over to an 8 year old by mistake
Your mother chooses not to tell you that your child was exposed to her husband's porn and shrugs it off.

You need to draw a big fucking red line here and start asking some hard questions on whether it is a good idea to have this woman (and her choice of man) in your life.

This is no troll thread.

This is my life. I have had extensive therapy but reaching out for more now to help process this.

AND obviously be whatever support my daughter needs.

I’m sorry for what happened to you as a child OP and for this situation with your daughter. I’m not one to leap to the conclusion that a child is being abused, but when you updated to explain about your mother’s reaction to your childhood abuse, I felt quite sick and very worried for your DD. I agree with the crux of what FizzyGreenWater says - your mum has massively skewed boundaries, she has chosen your stepfather and together they have exposed DD to sexual imagery. She didn’t care about protecting you as a child and I very much doubt she cares about protecting your DD. In your shoes, I would be highly concerned that this was not all that has gone on.

Your mother totally failed you when you was a child, and now she is doing it again.

You can not trust her ever again with your child. She enables abusers by allowing them to continue to operate, and staying quiet.

I am worried why your dd is talking about pain too. Maybe it was the noises. Have you asked her deeper questions about her own body? Although you would expect a certain amount of confusion and even sadness at seeing porn for the first time, she does seem very upset.

I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be very triggering for you.

I think you need to speak to your DM and find out what it was your DD accessed, most people would check the phone to see what it was that had caused their grandchild to be so upset. Apart from anything else it will help you help your DD.

she was given my stepfathers phone to keep occupied while my dm was watching tv.

So who gave her the phone ?

It was probably an accident but only you know your SF. For example, if it was my SF, I’d be as certain as I could be that it was an accident. Only you know how sure you can be that it was just a mistake.
I’d be really upset by it mistake or not but I think you’ve handled things well OP.
BUT, based on what you’ve said about your history and your mother, I completely understand why you’d be feeling so distressed by it.

I do think it's important to find out, if you can, what DD saw, because that's relevant to how badly in the wrong her grandparents are.
She said she’s to scared to tell me what’s she saw but that the man was hurting the lady’s private parts... Yes, many people, particularly those who have been exposed to the idea that porn is the root of all evil and that anything alarming a child sees on line must be to do with the evil world of porn, might have jumped to such a conclusion - and then on to the conclusion that your stepfather has evil intentions and is a sexual predator.
But you mention you have known him for 20 years and never had any concerns before; it was your mother's previous partner who was abusive and she failed to step up at the time. It's possible that your DD saw something other than porn, as I said in my previous post - a video of the birth process would be pretty scary to a young child who has not yet been told about how babies get here, and there are other things that might frighten a child but are not porn, as such, and their appearance on this mobile phone either a reflection of the step-grandad's other interests or a mistyped search term of some kind - and this could also explain why your mother wasn't instantly phoning the police and throwing her partner out of the house.

Have their been other times in your life where your mother has been happy to humiliate you or others?

*there

Have you got exact clarification of the video that she saw ???

I would nEver allow my child there again

I asked about the video but my dm does not seem to know what she accessed. My stepfather was asleep when my dm gave my dd his phone to keep her occupied while dm finished watching a tv programme. I do not believe my dm or stepfather would intentionally expose my child to explicit images or videos but it’s happened and I’m really upset because my dm did not tell me and give me an opportunity to address it with my dd, before it played on her mind and has distressed her the way it has.