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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child accessed inappropriate video on grandparents phone

70 replies

liveto · 13/05/2019 12:53

I’m fuming. Dd is 8, been really out of sorts for a while. Yesterday was particularly bad. After bed time she came through crying saying she needed to talk. A month ago while at her grandparents... she was given my stepfathers phone to keep occupied while my dm was watching tv. She says this video opened on YouTube and immediately closed the window and started crying. She said she’s to scared to tell me what’s she saw but that the man was hurting the lady’s private parts... so I think it was porn. Whatever it was she immediately told my dm and was crying... they briefly chatted then it was bed time.

I’m fuming because I feel my dm should have told me what happened. It’s obviously been playing on my dd’s mind and thinks the woman in the video was hurt.

AIBU or expecting too much? To have expected my DM let me know?
Going to address with my DM but just so angry atm.

OP posts:

Original poster

liveto · 13/05/2019 16:00

Dm does not humiliate others imo. She does have boundary issues and she has enabled abusive people in her life which has impacted my life in a big way.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 13/05/2019 16:06

For everyone on this thread saying its must have been intentional or he had been watching porn have any of you done a cyber course for children?

If not I suggest you do. You tube is full of children's videos that have porn embedded, were the talk over doesn't change and the video turns to pornagrapic content and then switches back to children's content.

She absolutely should have told you and with your back story I would leave her again.

Nesssie · 13/05/2019 16:10

What Divebar said. And I think telling the police and going nc is a big overreaction.
The fact that it happened seems to be an accident and you acknowledge that - I bet your dm and stepd were mortified, and I don't think you need to be concerned about grooming/sexual abuse.

The issue is your dm didn't tell you. Maybe she didn't think your dd would remember and be that upset? Maybe she was too embarrassed? However, you feel let down by breach of trust and you have every right to. Its up to you how you proceed. If you have never had any reason to not trust them looking after your daughter before then I would be inclined to make your feelings known about this but still allow them to look after her.

TixieLix · 13/05/2019 16:15

Your DD said a video opened on YouTube. I wonder if it was YouTube? There's a porn site called Red Tube that an (ex) male friend of mine would watch that shows some pretty explicit videos. Some of things on there could be interpreted by a child as the woman being hurt, especially if the woman was being a bit vocal at what was being done to her.

BrendasUmbrella · 13/05/2019 16:36

There's a porn site called Red Tube that an (ex) male friend of mine would watch that shows some pretty explicit videos. Some of things on there could be interpreted by a child as the woman being hurt, especially if the woman was being a bit vocal at what was being done to her.

And sometimes the woman is acting hurt because she's literally being hurt. It's "normal" for porn to include aggression, humiliation and violence these days, so it's not even possible to do the "when two adults love each other" bit when a child accidentally sees it.

Honestly I have a lot of empathy and understanding for why so many girls and young women decide they're going to nope out of being female, the future must look horrendous...

BrendasUmbrella · 13/05/2019 16:36

I don't know why I put normal in quote marks. It's just normal.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 13/05/2019 16:36

I second what TixieLix said above, I wondered if it was Red Tube she saw rather than You Tube too. He may even have it as an app on his phone if he's very keen on it and not very tech savvy

EmeraldShamrock · 13/05/2019 16:37

I doubt very much it was intentional. I would talk to him about it, if he has been in your life for 20years with no previous concerns, it seems like a mistake, he probably was watching porn and forgot to shut the page, it may have been just YouTube.
My DS was watching peppa pig, the pancake episode, it had a voice over for cooking cocaine, thankfully I caught it early, when I heard the voice change.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/05/2019 16:41

Can you check the internet history for the date in question, your DM should remember the time, tell them you need to see what she viewed. If he is not tech savvy, he wont have deleted the internet history.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/05/2019 20:08

Again, there is a lot of unjustified panic and bullshit on this thread. We don't know what the kid saw and neither does OP, but there are people screaming that the step-grandad must be a nonce or a pervert with porn coming out of his ears - on no evidence whatsoever.

OrchidInTheSun · 13/05/2019 20:48

SGB I doubt it was intentional. But it demonstrates that a) there is poor understanding of the internet and b) that the OP's mum lied by omission and then minimised.

The combination means they are unsuitable to care for children.

Kittykat93 · 13/05/2019 21:03

I would be furious. Why are they giving her a phone to play with in the first place, especially without checking it doesn't have inappropriate material on it?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/05/2019 23:10

Some posters are missing the point - it's not that the child accidentally saw, or may have seen, pornography, ick though that is. It's the OPs DM who has form for being completely shit round sexual matters, took it upon herself to not tell the OP. Her priority in that situ should have been protecting her DGD and - actually - being open and honest would also have protected her DH from the sort of accusations on the thread.

As always with safeguarding, speaking up is the number one rule.

OP, again - you are completely right to not allow any unsupervised visits. You can't trust your mum - but, sadly, you already knew that. Don't give her the benefit of the doubt again.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 13/05/2019 23:39

I doubt it was intentional, I get some horrendous pop ups on my phone and I don't watch porn. There are also lots of YouTube videos with inappropriate sexual or violent content embedded in them, also MOMO etc.
Whst would worry me is that your DM isn't tech savvy enough to know this and just freely gave a child a phone unsupervised, this happened and then she didn't tell you!!!

Original poster

liveto · 14/05/2019 04:10

Thanks for your responses.

It’s comforting to know that most people would agree that when safeguarding and protecting kids when mishaps like this occur- it’s important to speak up and share the details with their parents. It goes without saying that it’s a difficult convo to have but you put the child’s needs first and have the convo anyway.
I have my way forward. Thanks again.

OP posts:

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 14/05/2019 06:19

Something I learned last year is that no matter how much you think your dc know to tell you about anything that upsets or worries them, the reaction of the first adult they told may mean they don't tell you immediately or at all . I think your mum minimised it during their chat and she won't have needed to tell your dd not to tell you - her reaction or lack of was enough that dd didn't confide in you for a month.

Last year there was a comparatively minor incident while my mother had 4 of her gc out for an afternoon. Girls 10.5 and 9 and boys 9 and 8.5. Some inappropriate comments in the gents toilets from a young man to the two boys.

The boys told the girls and they all went back from the toilets to tell their gran. As children often do when talking about these things, there was some giggling and snorting behind their hands while telling her. Her immediate reaction was to roll her eyes and tell them they were making up stories and to stop being silly . They protested that it was true and honestly anyone taking half a minute to clarify what happened would have known it was but she insisted they were just being silly and it was "rude" to make up stories.

She didn't tell any of the three sets of parents and nor did any of the dc until my dn said something to dsis @ 6 weeks later . When gently questioned all the dc knew immediately what we were talking about so it wasn't nothing. Yet when reminded (again gently) that they need to tell us if anything inappropriate happens, they all responded yes but gran said...

Furious with my mother needless to say but my point is that these are children who have all been brought up with lots of awareness and encouragement to always tell us yet the dismissive response from just one "trusted adult" was enough to make them think they shouldn't bring it up again. It was a real eye opener for all of us and we've had some careful conversations with the dc since (and some very firm conversations with their gran ).

TheCanterburyWhales · 14/05/2019 06:27

Obviously, the mother of the OP should have told her.
But...when my dd was (iirc) about the same age, we discovered she and her friend had been googling "naked ladies" and finding all sorts of stuff.

Other than that the video showed a man hurting a "lady's private parts" what did she say?

SaltSpoon · 14/05/2019 06:34

Ah that's very upsetting. I can see how it would happen - I've heard that porn vids sometimes load on Youtube after watching for a while. An upsetting accident.

KinkyFink · 14/05/2019 06:42

I've watched far too many hours of YouTube and never once has anything remotely dodgy come up. Not saying it doesnt but surely it's not as rife as people are suggesting.

I'd be wanting to clarify exactly what it was she saw and by what medium too.

chestylarue52 · 14/05/2019 07:54

I had a situation where my 8 yr old niece saw something on my phone that she shouldn't have - she'd picked it up without permission and I hadnt noticed.

We went together to my sil and showed her and talked about it together. I was embarrassed but it was the only right thing to do.

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