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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told my boyfriend I might be pregnant by text - I have already taken a pregnancy test

91 replies

Notsoquietlyfreakingout6000 · 13/05/2019 10:53

I am 38 years old, I have been in a relationship/seeing someone since September last year. Things are pretty difficult with us right now, we both have a lot going on. Both have careers, his is going great - mine is going terribly right now.

I have been on the mini-pill for months. I came off it for a month as I bled for 4 weeks and was anaemic after emergency surgery wherein I went under general anaesthetic twice. It was around this time I think I had a break from the pill.

We had sex but I was going off an app that showed when you are fertile (and we did not have sex on the fertile days).

Anyway, today I took a pregnancy test, just to assure myself that my period was late and there was nothing to be concerned about and two red lines have come up. One is more distinctive than the other, but it is very obviously there.

We aren't even living with each other at the moment. In fact, I am living with my family because I had to go part-time at work due to sickness. I knew I had fertility issues in the past - suspected PCOS (I only got my periods 4 times a year).

I guess my AIBU is I just sent him a text message and eased him into it by saying I am still late. What I haven't told him is that two red lines showed up (if I knew how to add the picture here I would).

What on earth should I do??

I have always been so careful. Around Easter I was really sick and this is when I suspect this might have happened as we weren't having sex for the 4 weeks I was on my period.

This is the worst time for me, I don't know what I am going to do or how I am going to get through this. Lately I have had some right sided pelvic pain and thought that perhaps I was going to need my appendix out.

Has anyone been through something like this? I am very much freaking out.

OP posts:
Abagisforlifenotjustfor · 13/05/2019 12:12

OP - An Ectopic is NOT a MISCARRIAGE. They are serious and need immediate medical attention. If any of the following rings true seek medical attention asap.

As others have said, speak to your other half. You might be surprised, having a child is never straightforward, and its never the "right" time. Whatever choice you make look after yourself.

Pain is usually the first symptom of an ectopic pregnancy. The pain is usually sharp and stabbing. It is often on one side and may be in the pelvis, abdomen or even in the shoulder or neck (due to blood from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy building up under the diaphragm and the pain being "referred" up to the shoulder or neck). Weakness, dizziness or lightheadedness, and a sense of passing out upon standing can represent serious internal bleeding, requiring immediate medical attention.

Everydaypeople · 13/05/2019 12:12

If you can’t afford scans how are you going to afford a baby never mind scanned later in pregnancy.
It does sound like you planned it. You threw caution to the wind. Hopefully things will work out but be prepared to go it alone if they don’t.

LagunaBubbles · 13/05/2019 12:15

You need a scan to rule out an ectopic pregnancy as people have said.

NauseousMum · 13/05/2019 12:25

You can become seriously ill from ectopic pregnancy, or worse. You need to go to the hospital and get an early scan. Only that can determine where the embryo is and that it's viable right now.

You may not want to spend the money, but if you call your gp they will send you to hospital at the notion of any pain especialy one sided. This won't just go away.

whippetwoman · 13/05/2019 12:27

Hey OP. If I were you I would ask to have this moved to Relationships. People are genuinely helpful and kind there and if you stay on this board you'll get a lot of people telling you how you 'planned it' and not offering any constructive advice and generally being very negative and unhelpful.

It sounds as if a pregnancy might not be the very worst thing to happen given your age and as a poster said above, there's never a right time. So, so many women have fallen pregnant unexpectedly over the course of history. It's a stressful time so take a moment to think things over. If you are able to somehow get medical attention for the pelvic pain then try and do that - you could potentially be very ill otherwise. Think about what YOU want to do, don't worry about anyone else for the moment.

howlongcanausernamebebeforeits · 13/05/2019 12:30

Jesus Christ leave her alone. She's not the only one responsible for contraception. He could have used a condom if he was worried. She's pregnant now what do you want her to do? It's not a mess she's created either ffs. She's a 38 year old woman. If she wants to have the baby it's perfectly acceptable and not a mess, she'll get through it and they'll work it out. And if he doesn't want to be involved, which it sounds like he does, she'll still be ok.

Op I had sporadic pain on the right side with my pregnancy. It's an ovarian cyst. But I did need a scan to rule out it being ectopic. You'll also need bloods done to see the hcg progress.

EggAndButter · 13/05/2019 12:34

One thing first.

The fact you are pregnant is not YOUR fault.
It’s YOURS TOGETHER fault.
He could have used a condom for example. Esp knowing that you had an issue with the pill so things weren’t as straight forward.

Contraception was BOTH your responsibility and it’s certainly not just yours as a woman.

Having said that, yes you need to tell him and giving him some heads up is probably a good idea.
The next step will be to decide what to do next. And what YOU really want.

powershowerforanhour · 13/05/2019 12:48

I'd say- tell him, over the phone in the evening if he's working away, and get ectopic ruled out first. Doesn't matter who pays just get it done as soon as you can. That's the only thing that has a significant chance of potentially killing you.

Then you can think about all the ahhh pregnant fuck what will we do, his job, my job blah blah. There's no point in planning for this that and the other until you know that it's potentially a viable pregnancy and your safety is #1 priority.

HBStowe · 13/05/2019 12:53

It’s no more your fault than his OP - he made his own decision to have unprotected sex. So don’t feel exclusively responsible.

You need to tell him ASAP, and then you need to take the time to decide what to do. Whatever happens, it will ultimately be ok Flowers

wellballstoyou · 13/05/2019 12:55

OP google eptopic pregnancy. Thatll explain why everyones wanting you to get seen/ scanned. A scan will also show how far along you are which if you terminate shows options for this. Eptopic is a medical emergency full stop, wont get better!

If the scans fine then decide together (hes half to blame as he must have realised tracking wasn`t a good idea in your case?) what to do next. eptopic can and does kill women.

outvoid · 13/05/2019 12:59

He can’t blame you for this, he knew he was having unprotected sex with you and you’re both almost forty so far from naive teenagers! Just call him or ask to see him in person, this isn’t going away...

Worth noting for future reference that the rhythm method only works if you have not previously being taking hormonal contraceptives and if you have a very regular cycle. Your fertile days could have literally been any time during that month because you had just come off the pill and also have PCOS.

Abbazed · 13/05/2019 13:04

Op do you have shoulder pain?

wellballstoyou · 13/05/2019 13:05

if you are going to test again get a digital one that says it in words and give this to the boyfriend. Then he cannot doubt it. Do it first thing tomorrow morning, first urine of the day as its strongest.

Omzlas · 13/05/2019 13:08

You need to get checked over. I didn't go to the Dr until I was doubled up in agony. I almost died when my tube ruptured due to an ectopic pregnancy. I lost blood and a tube. Stop stalling and get looked at.

And tell him face to face, not by text, that's unfair.

Prequelle · 13/05/2019 13:09

wellballs he hasn't doubted her so far why would he need a pregnancy test 'with words' Confused

wellballstoyou · 13/05/2019 13:11

makes more real doesn`t it! like the clear blue ad?

Prequelle · 13/05/2019 13:11

I think it's real enough tbh 😂 the ad has done it's job though I suppose

PregnantSea · 13/05/2019 13:11

An ectopic pregnancy, if left untreated can kill you very quickly, and even if you don't die it will destroy that half of your reproductive system (your tube) meaning that it will be very unlikely that you would ever get pregnant again, given that you're saying you are 38 and already have fertility issues. That's why people are so concerned about this pain and you not going to speak to anyone about it.

Please go and seek medical attention.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 13/05/2019 13:15

OP an ectopic is a lot more dangerous than a miscarriage, my cousin almost died and lost an ovary and fallopian tube in the process, she needed a blood transfusion too , it was very very scary. She didn't know until her fallopian tube ruptured, you've got the chance to get seen to before it gets to that stage

BaaLamby · 13/05/2019 13:22

Your BF had sex with you without a condom! He took the risk as much as you that it could result in a pregnancy, nobody is trapping anyone here here!

BlingLoving · 13/05/2019 13:30

You should see a doctor. However, with both of my pregnancies I experienced pain on one or other side (cue frantic googling of ectopic pregnancies) and was told it's quite common in the early stages (and off and on throughout) as it's things stretching out. I also had PCOS so possibly there's a connection, but honestly wouldn't know. So while I think you should check and go see your GP, if the pain isn't constant, I'd wait until you can make a regular appointment.

resisterpersister · 13/05/2019 13:37

Huggybear16 WTF? The OP is vulnerable right now, and does not need posts like yours. We do not know her full financial circumstances nor that of the father.

Whatever she does must make her own decision, not be pushed into anything by her DP her family / friends and certainly not by judgemental people on the internet who make a sport out of kicking others while they're down. Despicable behaviour.

Huggybear16 · 13/05/2019 13:55

Her question was What on earth should I do??

I gave her a (sensible) suggestion. As did others.

Yes, of course the responsibility for contraception is not just the OPs. However, if her financial situation is so bad that she cannot afford urgent and necessary medical treatment, then bringing a child into this is surely going to make things a lot more difficult.

She is showing alarm symptoms for an ectopic pregnancy - her response was that she cannot afford a scan. We're not talking about a sexing scan or bonding scan, we're talking about a medical emergency. OP cannot afford to deal with this medical emergency, therefore it is worth considering whether or not OP can realistically bring a child into her life.

JonSnowsFurCoat · 13/05/2019 14:02

What a mess you've created

I don’t think SHE’S made a mess at all jemima

She’s 38 yrs old. Seems quite happy to carry on with the pregnancy. Where’s his responsibility in all this. She didn’t make that baby on her own. He took a risk as much as she did.

Op, get yourself to a doctor and get checked out. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

hellenbackagen · 13/05/2019 14:07

Master class on how to see off the OP.

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