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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told my boyfriend I might be pregnant by text - I have already taken a pregnancy test

91 replies

Notsoquietlyfreakingout6000 · 13/05/2019 10:53

I am 38 years old, I have been in a relationship/seeing someone since September last year. Things are pretty difficult with us right now, we both have a lot going on. Both have careers, his is going great - mine is going terribly right now.

I have been on the mini-pill for months. I came off it for a month as I bled for 4 weeks and was anaemic after emergency surgery wherein I went under general anaesthetic twice. It was around this time I think I had a break from the pill.

We had sex but I was going off an app that showed when you are fertile (and we did not have sex on the fertile days).

Anyway, today I took a pregnancy test, just to assure myself that my period was late and there was nothing to be concerned about and two red lines have come up. One is more distinctive than the other, but it is very obviously there.

We aren't even living with each other at the moment. In fact, I am living with my family because I had to go part-time at work due to sickness. I knew I had fertility issues in the past - suspected PCOS (I only got my periods 4 times a year).

I guess my AIBU is I just sent him a text message and eased him into it by saying I am still late. What I haven't told him is that two red lines showed up (if I knew how to add the picture here I would).

What on earth should I do??

I have always been so careful. Around Easter I was really sick and this is when I suspect this might have happened as we weren't having sex for the 4 weeks I was on my period.

This is the worst time for me, I don't know what I am going to do or how I am going to get through this. Lately I have had some right sided pelvic pain and thought that perhaps I was going to need my appendix out.

Has anyone been through something like this? I am very much freaking out.

OP posts:
givemesteel · 13/05/2019 11:31

Try and take a few deep breaths and not worry too much about telling him right now, rather just have a think about what you you want to do about the pregnancy.

Do you even want kids one day? I probably don't need to point this out but at 38 you've only got a few more years of fertility left so if you do see yourself having kids one day it may not be a disaster.

Your work situation may have to wait to be resolved. It probably wasn't the best idea to take the test at work but it's done now. If you're able to slope off to work from home this afternoon or go home sick then I probably would as this is all best dealt with away from the work environment.

Original poster
Notsoquietlyfreakingout6000 · 13/05/2019 11:32

The pain is sporadic. I have weighed up going to emergency and basically, I don't have the money to do that. There's a private hospital near where I am currently living, but I know it will be expensive. The public hospital is overworked and will tell me to see my GP in the morning (which is after I have waited hours and hours). I went to the public hospital recently via ambulance and was misdiagnosed, I ended up driving myself to the private hospital and having emergency surgery.

There has really only been a couple of times where I might have gotten pregnant and that's over Easter. We stopped after that because I said the rhythm method wasn't reliable and I was worried about the pill not working as I had stomach problems.

OP posts:
RumerGodden · 13/05/2019 11:33

FFS you can't measure your "regular cycle" on an app straight after coming off the pill...their is no saying when you will return to regular. 4 periods a year is not regular. It's "shit I should probably have this investigated by my gyno - a 90 day cycle is not regular"

Sorry, you just threw contraception out the window, what were you expecting? A little bit excited? Yes, subconscious scheming is a good description of your behaviour.

Also, don't use the rhythm method unless you are "not trying but fine if we get pregnant"..

MrsSpenserGregson · 13/05/2019 11:35

OP. Please sort your priorities out.

Are you not in the UK? - you mention that you can't afford to go to hospital....

Basically, if you are having one-sided pelvic pain and you are pregnant (which you obviously are!) you NEED to get it checked out. Ectopic pregnancy is life-threatening.

Sod the massage, sod his reaction, you need to prioritise getting to a doctor. Everything else can wait.

good luck!

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 13/05/2019 11:35

You need to listening to everyone saying- pain could equal ectopic. You need to see a Dr/A&E asap.

Original poster
Notsoquietlyfreakingout6000 · 13/05/2019 11:39

@plunkplunkfizz
Unconsciously meaning that I did not orchestrate this on purpose. But I entertained the notion that maybe it was possible because this mother's day (and since turning 38) I wondered if I had missed any opportunity to do this because of my age and because my relationship was not going well.

OP posts:
Monr0e · 13/05/2019 11:41

OP, does your hospital have an early pregnancy unit? If so you need to contact them now and discuss the abdo pain. They will tell you to go in. If not, its a&e. You really need to get it checked out. Good luck

Original poster
Notsoquietlyfreakingout6000 · 13/05/2019 11:44

@RumerGodden

Settle down. I was back on the pill and had calculated that I wouldn't be fertile anyway, based on when I had last stopped bleeding. After that, we stopped with the sex. Which is why I think it happened over Easter... when I was also sick.

Why are you angry at me?

I am 38 years old. It's hard getting pregnant at this age for someone without fertility issues. It's not like I have been at it like a rabbit in heat. He works away, we stopped having sex for a while and can only have sex once, maybe twice when he is back.

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 13/05/2019 11:46

Yes, we get that it happened over Easter. Are you understanding that pain plus positive pregnancy test needs checking out ASAP?

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 13/05/2019 11:46

Look it doesn't really matter if you planned it subconsciously or not, you're pregnant now and your partner agrees that what's done is done. I'm afraid the work situation is going to have to sit on the back burner for a while and tbh this is just the beginning of this child scuppering your plans. The universe does what it wants regardless of your employment contract. If your partner can afford a massage he can afford to pay for you to be seen by a doctor to check you're not having an ectopic pregnancy. Talk to him.

Original poster
Notsoquietlyfreakingout6000 · 13/05/2019 11:47

I am not in the UK. I have private health insurance and there is no pregnancy unit in my country. The public hospitals tell you to see your GP, even if you're miscarrying. Or you do it in the waiting room in front of everyone. I don't have the money to pay for the blood tests/scans, they are subcontracted out and that is where it gets expensive. The actual hospital admission is actually fine. I can afford that, it's the extra stuff. If I was in pain still, I would go to the private hospital. It was more yesterday like I was being stabbed. Today has been ok. I am fine.

OP posts:
Prequelle · 13/05/2019 11:49

Why do you keep talking about being sick over Easter btw? I'm genuinely confused about the relevance

OP this is my area, if you rang our emergency clinic I would be advising you to come in to have a scan to check the pregnancy, we would want to rule out ectopic. I'm not saying that it absolutely is, but it's not a risk I would take personally. I myself had an early scan for the same reasons, luckily mine was a cyst.

IHateUncleJamie · 13/05/2019 11:50

So if you can’t afford scans, how are you going to be scanned later in the pregnancy? Confused

Missingstreetlife · 13/05/2019 11:50

Sounds like he is going to be sensible. Take your time. Do another test and go to gp. Ectopic is medical emergency so make them aware of pain. Then you have some talking to do. Good luck.

happytobemrsg · 13/05/2019 11:50

Agree with PPs you definitely need to be checked out to rule out an eptopic pregnancy- that is the priority right now.

Damntheman · 13/05/2019 11:51

OP using the app wasn't smart, but this is in no way entirely your fault! Your DP wasn't exactly using condoms was he, prevention should not lie entirely on the woman.

He sounded pretty accepting OP to me. Good luck! But please do get that pain checked out by a doctor. Ectopics are no joke.

Prequelle · 13/05/2019 11:51

If you're miscarrying you're sent home because there's nothing anyone can do. That's completely different from a query ectopic.

adaline · 13/05/2019 11:51

An ectopic pregnancy could kill you OP.

You need to go and see a doctor.

Jemima232 · 13/05/2019 11:52

Of course you planned this. You sound intelligent and must have known perfectly well that the rhythm method is not safe and also that your body clock is ticking at the age of thirty eight.

What a mess you've created.

However, the first thing is to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, so go to A & E or your local EPU for assessment.

Missingstreetlife · 13/05/2019 11:54

If you get pain in your shoulder and bleeding this is more red flag for ectopic. Don't ignore it whatever the cost. Gp first for reassurance, hopefully.

SapatSea · 13/05/2019 12:01

If you can afford to have an early scan do that, either at the private hospital or after seeing your GP and getting a referral.

Then breathe, sounds to me like you want this baby. Will your family support and help you?

VladmirsPoutine · 13/05/2019 12:02

I don't understand why people think Apps are in and off themselves a form of contraception. A bit like tracking the moon.

But in anycase - congrats if it's what you want. Given the circumstances this might be your only/last shot at it. Even couples ttc get a shock when presented with a positive result. Good luck. It's your body; therefore your choice.

SoupDragon · 13/05/2019 12:07

Do people really think berating the OP about the approach to contraception is at all helpful?

Huggybear16 · 13/05/2019 12:08

OP - if you can't afford a scan to rule out a possible ectopic (serious, dangerous, important) then you probably can't afford to have this baby.

Ellisandra · 13/05/2019 12:11

My guess would be that yes, you did subconsciously use a rubbish method because you wanted to be pregnant.
But, meh, dwelling on that now isn’t going to help anyone. Even if you did, even if you CONSCIOUSLY did, he’s just as responsible for the crap method. (unless he asked how effective it was and you lied to him)

First - take the bloody advice about checking out ectopic. At least speak to a GP or do whatever the first step is at a public hospital in your country.

If you can’t afford one scan to check something critical, can you afford to continue the pregnancy?

If you can’t afford the scan to check for ectopic, your boyfriend needs to pay.