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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a misogynistic man can change?

57 replies

FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:12

I’m a 37 year old woman, dating a 38 year old man for the past 6 months. It’s become more apparent recently that he has some misogynistic beliefs. He grew up with few positive female role models and his ex-girlfriend seemed to not mind or notice this.

AIBU to think that I could point out whenever he makes a misogynistic remark, pulling him up on it and explaining and educating him as to why it’s wrong?

Or is it a case of him being this way forever?? In every other respect the relationship is great.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 11/05/2019 22:15

I wouldn’t even want to try to change him tbh. Being misogynistic isn’t something someone learns imo. I’d be out of there.

Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:17

I presumed it was a learned behaviour. Do you think some men are just born that way then?

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Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:18

He’s always genuinely surprised when I pull him up on these things.

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Obsidian77 · 11/05/2019 22:19

You could try
But I doubt you'd get very far.
I'd walk away.

echt · 11/05/2019 22:19

Being misogynistic isn’t something someone learns imo

Er...yes it is, unless you think that misogyny is an inherited male characteristic.

Everyone has the capacity to change, though as he's 38 he'll be pretty-well grounded by now. I wouldn't bother, myself, too much effort. Six months into a relationship you should be head over heels, not re-educating.

Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:23

I am head over heels though!

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echt · 11/05/2019 22:25

Still........

Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:25

Yeah. I know.

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OldUnit · 11/05/2019 22:25

He'll learn to hide it better, if he thinks you're worth the effort.

It'll eek out in the future though, and you'll resent him for hiding it from you.

Sure as eggs is eggs. He's a wrongun.

MacrosomicMumma · 11/05/2019 22:26

Then maybe the question is can you live with the fact that you have fallen head over heels for a man that is "a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women" which is the definition of misogyny......?

HBStowe · 11/05/2019 22:26

It’s possible - but sounds like it will be a lot of hard work on your part. I also wonder why he is still this way - can he really be so oblivious?!

BummyKnocker · 11/05/2019 22:26

Where is the appeal in being with a man who thinks women are second class, and is surprised when it is pointed out to him?

Pringlemunchers · 11/05/2019 22:27

How many times have you pulled him up ??

Pringlemunchers · 11/05/2019 22:27

What was his reaction ?

Pringlemunchers · 11/05/2019 22:28

Your role is not of educator

Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:30

I actually wouldn’t mind so much if he made his ‘judgment’ in his head and didn’t vocalise it. I probably think some of the things he says but would never say it. For example if a colleague was dressed a bit inappropriately on a night out (i.e. boobs hanging out in front of the bosses). I would think to myself, that’s inappropriate but wouldn’t say it out loud because frankly it’s not my business and she can wear what she likes but my boyfriend would say to me she’s dressed sluttily or something. He wouldn’t think it and keep it to himself.

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Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:32

MacrosomicMumma I think he judges some women and it’s that that I’m finding misogynistic.

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Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:33

He’s totally oblivious HBStowe. He grew up in a totally male macho environment. Not trying to make excuses for him but it may explain it.

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OldUnit · 11/05/2019 22:34

He'd call out a woman for being dressed 'sluttily'.

Bye Felipe.

Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:35

In more recent weeks I think he’s no longer on his best behaviour so Pringlemunchers, I would say that he says something that makes me bristle on about every 4th or 5th date. So probably one comment in every 30 hours of talking.

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MacrosomicMumma · 11/05/2019 22:37

You need to work out where the boundary is for you. You seem to already be excusing his behaviour....

Would him commenting on your outfit or telling you he wasn't happy with what you are wearing be too much? If he defended a rape as she 'had her boobs out' too much?

I couldn't date anyone who didn't see women as an equal and not to be judged but it's your boundaries that matters so you need to know what they are.

It might get very tiresome when the early stage hormone rush of lust has died down.....

Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:38

His reaction Pringlemunchers was utterly perplexed. He doesn’t think of himself that way. He was once accused of saying something sexist by a client and he was mortified. I tried to explain to him that perhaps she picked up on the fact that he’s not exactly a feminist. He was stunned and says he absolutely does think of himself as a feminist.

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Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:41

He hasn’t commented on anything of mine yet because I think I am a close fit with his ideal of what a woman should look like and dress like. However that has reminded me that he teased me about a pair of earrings (big hoops) once. Hmmm. I wouldn’t stand for him telling me what I can and can’t wear.

I’m happy enough with how things are now but if it escalated it would be crossing a line for me. How likely is it to escalate?!

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RuffleCrow · 11/05/2019 22:41

Are you his mother? His teacher? His therapist.

Are you trying to fulfil a healing fantasy from childhood? Perhaps you got the idea early on that your role was to fix things or people?

Is there a parent or other significant adult in your life who had horrible views or beliefs you wanted to fix so that they could love you as you needed them to?

Adults are 'done'. They're not children who need guidance or teenagers who need saving from themselves. The reason this man holds appalling views is that they serve him - they perpetuate the version of reality he feels comfortable with.

In short, don't waste your breath.

Original poster
FireflySummer · 11/05/2019 22:45

Thinking about it, I once went on a date with him and wore a shortish skirt (with opaque tights) and a low cut top. I would normally go for legs or boobs but this time did both! At the end of the night I mentioned being cold (despite my jacket) and he said that’s because you’re hardly wearing anything. I don’t mind that remark as it stands but if he felt that dressing that way would be inappropriate and asked me not to, then that would be a big 🚩🚩🚩

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