To think a misogynistic man can change?

[FireflySummer]

I’m a 37 year old woman, dating a 38 year old man for the past 6 months. It’s become more apparent recently that he has some misogynistic beliefs. He grew up with few positive female role models and his ex-girlfriend seemed to not mind or notice this.

AIBU to think that I could point out whenever he makes a misogynistic remark, pulling him up on it and explaining and educating him as to why it’s wrong?

Or is it a case of him being this way forever?? In every other respect the relationship is great.

Depends what you want from the relationship. If you aren't planning to have DCs and plan to retain your financial independence then I'm sure you can get him to stop making certain remarks in your presence. He may well still think them though but I guess recognising that a remark might be offensive is a start.

If you want DCs then run for the hills. These attitudes are ingrained and there will be no incentive for him to change.

If he's a misogynist then I doubt he's listening much when you tell him things. You're just a woman correcting him. Give it a go but don't get too attached.

A very common misapprehension is

"If I can just explain to him WHY his opinions/assumptions/actions are wrong, he will stop"

So the woman wastes so much of her time trying to make the man understand her point of view, convinced (in the teeth of all evidence) that this is a simple issue of her not saying it right. Surely once he realises how upsetting he is being, he'll stop, right?

Nope. It's not that he doesn't see, it's that he disagrees. You are asking him to change a strategy of behaviour that has a lot of benefits for him, and he has no intention of giving it up.

You might wonder what benefits he gets from calling women sluts if they wear short skirts - he has the benefit of feeling superior, the frisson of sexually degrading someone, freedom from engagement on issues of women's safety (sluts deserve rape, so assault isn't a man problem its a woman problem, and he doesn't have to worry about it happening to a woman he cares about because they aren't sluts), reinforcement of the idea that a man's opinion of a woman is more important than her view of herself, that all women desire "the right kind" of male attention above all things, etc. You're asking him to give up something he really gets a lot of pleasure, identity and affirmation from, and he is unlikely to be that willing.

Exactly what @finewordsforaporcupine said.
This was me with my ex. In our 20s he claimed to want to change, that his father's attitude was outdated, but by our 40s he regressed into this misogynistic bully that I recognised as his father 20 years previously.
I held onto the belief that if I could just explain well enough he would go back to his younger viewpoint, until he spilled over into abusive behaviour to promote his viewpoint.
Divorced now, wary of men, planning to stay single.

You can certainly educate a thoughtful, decent, generally kind and good man to be far more understanding of women’s needs and why their protections are so vital, and why feminism is needed and will continue to be needed. Men often have lots of unconscious misogynistic views which they will have absorbed from family and society. Women do too, so I wouldn’t take the presence of such ideas as proof that the individual is beyond redemption. They need to be willing to listen, be accepting and not to be constantly on the defensive of their malehood. I’ve done a lot Of work over the years to get my OH to see in much greater depth what women face and the ways in which misogyny is everywhere. He understands much more now than he did. But he is fundamentally a good man.

At his age you'd be working on this for a long time. Life is too short for this crap

A friend of mine is married to a misogynist. They’re 24 and have three children. In her case I support her efforts to change his opinions - it seems to be working, getting him to change his perspective after growing up in an extremely misogynistic environment.

If they didn’t have children and / or weren’t married and / or were only dating for six months / he’d got to his mid 30s without ever challenging his beliefs, I’d advise her to get rid of him.

Also this: He was stunned and says he absolutely does think of himself as a feminist.
Hahahahaha! Honestly, the complete lack of self-awareness is as much of a concern as the misogyny if he thinks that being a feminist can co-exist with calling women sluts based on their clothing (or anything, actually).

Head over heels? How can you be attracted to a man who has no respect for women? I’ve only become more of a feminist as I’ve aged - I couldn’t put up with this.

My DH has definitely become more feminist in his thinking during the many years we’ve been together but he wasn’t a misogynist in the first place.