Feel intimidated by DF who always falls on her feet

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

Now I am fully aware that I am being unreasonable with my feelings which is why I would never openly express them to her but I just wanted to hear from some people who might sometimes feel the same

I have a dear friend who I have known for well over a decade who I am very close to however I do admit that sometimes I am a bit intimidated by how she always falls on her feet. DFriend has recently been promoted to a role where her earnings will be not far from the 40% tax bracket, she sailed through the interview. Her DP and herself have just brought an expensive house in a popular Northern tourist town with money/trust fund from both sets of middle class well off parents. Her DP is well qualified and is getting work published by university. They have good degrees, lots of money and help from family and always seem to land on their feet for everything. Whenever I catch up with my friend she's always talking about holidays she's booked, fancy meals she's going out for with DP, promotions, how good she is at her job etc. Everything is so seemingly effortless.

No I am in a fairly alright position, however I am nowhere near as high in the food chain as either of them and suffer with depression which can hinder me sometimes. Things don't necessarily come that easy for me so sometimes catching up with this friend hearing about all of her successes, whilst I'm very happy for her and express this, I can't help feeling a bit worn down by it all ...does anyone have any advice

She sounds a bit sad if she always has to go on about how great things are and talks about her work. How boring she sounds

She has built up good skills, qualifications and experience at work, fair enough.

But the big difference between you is that she and her DP have been heavily subsidised financially by her and her DP’s parents. That’s not “success” IMO, that’s luck.

Well, it's good she has this but look at howhat much help she's had along the way
The fact she goes on about how good she is would annoy me. But I think you just shouldn't compare your life to hers. Everyone is different and you make you're own life what you want it to be.

Just remember for every one of your friends who seem better off than you there will be another who isn't as well off as you too. Try not to let envy/jealousy eat you up. If you do actually like her try to let it go. If you don't like her then don't continue tge friendship if it is causing these type of feelings.

It can be a sign of insecurity for her to go on about stuff like that. also a bit lacking in awareness and empathy. Stuff isn't everything. But you know that?

Well life can be unfair. I have a friend who met her second husband almost as soon as she decided to divorce her first. He welcomed her two kids under 5 and he has a high paying job and they all want for nothing - several holidays abroad a year etc etc. And she does talk about it, not in a ‘oh look at me I’m so privileged ’ but a bit oblivious to the fact that most of us can barely afford one holiday etc and may have husband issues whatever. Plus she’s skinny!
But I’ve also found most people have some tradgedy that may not be apparent. I’m a widow. A friend has had her husband sent to prison; another a son on drugs. This woman I mentioned? Her eldest flunked out of university basically costing them £30000 in fees and accommodation for nothing. He now lives at home with no motivation. So not all a bed of roses!

I have a friend who I've known for many years (since primary.)
On the surface, she has a charmed life. Very very high up in the civil service, she must be well into higher tax bracket.
Lovely husband, beautiful house, brand new car, fancy hols etc.

What people don't know is she was adopted as a baby, she tried to contact her birth mum but she didn't want to know.
She's had multiple miscarriages / stillbirths.
She often says she would give up her 'fancy' lifestyle just to have a healthy baby.

Nothing is as it seems op.
The saying 'comparison is the thief of joy' is something to remember.

So many trust fund recipients on MN
I don’t know a single one irl

Unfortunately, it's just the way it goes sometimes.

I went to uni for 2 degrees and I'm still in a job that I could have had without bothering going to uni.

My 2 best friends earn a lot more than me, go more expensive holidays than me and both have been lucky to have had flats paid for them by parents to get them started when they were at uni. One lived rent-free for years and the other pays a tiny amount to her parents for a city centre flat.

My parents did help me out with my first car and were always generous by giving me a little something for going on holidays and moving into rented flats which I was paying for. I'm not resentful towards my friends as it's how their families wanted to do things and I'm not resentful towards my parents because they always gave me what I needed and I learned to save and budget money with a realistic view of how much it actually costs to rent, live, save and enjoy myself. I'm grateful for what I have. (Not saying you are ungrateful, btw).

I can see why it's frustrating for you but I wouldn't get too torn up over this. You could get yourself into a bit of a mess mentally by comparing yourself to others. Think about what you have achieved with your own skills, hard work and savings.

You sound jealous. I know it can be difficult when a friend seems to have everything and you don’t, but honestly what do you want her to do? That’s her life she’s telling you about. Would you rather she fell ill or had some misfortune? You are enough just the way you are, and one day your life might look like hers with lots of holidays, a big house, or whatever makes you happy.

AIBU when I see this as just another impetus to devour the rich?

Sometimes though it's attitude to life that makes people sound like they always fall on their feet.
My family accuse me of that. "I'm lucky" "People always put themselves out for you", "things always add up for you".

Actually it's partially the way I tell things and also the way I approach things. I look on the positive side, and put it that way.

I remember one time turning up to something we'd really been looking forward to and it was closed on Tuesdays, which I hadn't realised. Upset children. So I thought hard, and said "oh let's go and look at this for a few minutes on the way back, we've never been there." We went here and found they were having a community day which included free BBQ and ice cream van, a mini fair and lots to do. The children were in heaven.
I told it to dm along the lines of "wasn't it great that it just happened the first place was closed so we went to the second. It was a great day out." I didn't talk about how frustrated I was to have driven an hour to get to the place and the disappointment of the children.

Dm told me I always fell on my feet and told me that similar had happened to my dsis and how dreadful it had been, and she couldn't face going anywhere else and the children were so upset and what a waste of time it had been...
The situations were almost identical. The difference was how I approached it-thinking of something else to do, and how I presented it, which was focussing on the good that came from it rather than how upsetting it had been.

I'm an optimist in a family of pessimists. They think I do such fun things. I remember being marooned down south with floods, and my dbro complaining that I always got all the fun. If he'd been in that situation the world would have stopped moving.

Another thing is that often they don't see what work goes into being "lucky". Often when they're saying that I'm so "lucky" I'm thinking "yes, hours of work/effort have gone into that "lucky"."

But I don't talk much about the failed job interviews, the time sitting in A&E with a suicidal dc, the water leak, the car prang... That's what they will tell me about. Often they're telling me how lucky I am that I've never had to deal with such things, when I have. If I say I have, theirs was much harder/bigger/more of a disappointment.

@LittleMissUnreasonable, I get this OP. I have experiences being you and your friend. It's hard on both ends, but I can promise her life isn't all sunshine and daffodils like you think. Yes she has support but you have the ability to say I've done this and I've done it without help.

I am autistic, have mental health issues and other disabilities. I'm from a low income home and studying (struggling) at uni and making friends. I can see how privileged my friends are and how many opportunities that they have and how well supported they are both financially and emotionally and I'm out here clinging to a rock and trying not to drown. While providing financial and emotional support to my family in my hometown.

Yet if you ask my best friend at uni, I'm sailing on clear waters because I have an eidetic memory and can pass exams, 'charm people' and always manage to land ok no matter the risk. She doesn't understand the pressure I'm under to do well because if I fail, I have no back ups. I have no trust fund or money in a savings account and my mother cannot afford for me to go home unemployed or with debt.She doesn't understand that to land on my feet I take lots of calculated risks in the hope at least one will pan out ok. And makes me feel like shit for talking about things I do well or opportunities I get because she is so jealous but I'm expected to sit and listen to her.

YES @Witchend. This is totally it, going into things with a positive outlook and a smile and (some degree of common sense) and most things work out. If they don't you brush them off and try something new next time.

'Comparison is the thief of joy'

I’m another optimist in a family of pessimists. My mum says if I fell in a bucket of shit I’d come out smelling of roses . Things always seem to work out for me but its often my ability to make the best of a bad situation.

I used to look at a new group I'd joined and see people who had nice trouble-free lives. When I actually got to know them I saw beyond the surface to the worry about ill husbands, children divorcing, looking after children with additional needs. It was a eye opener to how very few people actually have easy lives.

she's always talking about holidays she's booked, fancy meals she's going out for with DP, promotions, how good she is at her job etc

if it was right, she wouldn't need to go on about it. Bragging is not a good sign.

But even if it looks shiny and bright, you don't see the efforts behind all that, the hours of work, the stress. It might look easy, but it never is.

I also doesn't sound like they are landing on their feet, but that they are making the most of what they have. Some people with family money have become spoilt brat and achieved nothing, your friend has clearly been working hard to get a degree, a good job and is being sensible with money.

You can't change what help you've been given, but you can focus on your own goals, what you want to achieve and ignore others.

@Witchend I agree
Positive attitude , positive life .
Some people enjoy to dwell on the negative things .
It's easy to feel some jealousy to people but you honestly don't know what goes on . As I say always someone worse off than you .

But is she bragging or is she just telling the OP what she is up to?

She just sounds lucky. Lucky her parents help her out, which has certainly helped put her in a better financial position. I heard someone say once that “you make your own luck” it’s the most bullshit saying I’ve ever heard and I equate it to blaming the person when things go wrong in their life.

I heard someone say once that “you make your own luck”

it's partly true though.
For example, you can give the same trust fund to 2 people and one will fritter it away on the beach whilst the other will develop a successful hedge fund, and be in competition with someone who was raised in poverty.

Some people have a push, but it's not all down to luck and wealth.

If you look at someone like the Ecclestone sisters, unlimited resources doesn't seem to bring happiness and success either. I'll take their cash, but I wouldn't take their life.

Because people born into these kind of lucky situations have less stress and therefore will perform better in interviews, etc. They don't have the underlying stresses other people have.

Yes I am jealous of people like that as well as I have had no family support financial or otherwise my whole adult life. It has made life so much harder and it wears you down. Whereas the people with all the support that 'lucked out' are not so worn down and can achieve more simply because they haven't been knocked down fifty times already.

You just don’t know or can’t judge on the surface. We live in a lovely house, have good jobs and go on several fancy holidays a year - the reason is as we haven’t managed to have kids yet so we get away on holiday to distract ourselves and we have plenty of money as DH parents died young and we inherited. The amount of times people tell me I have gorgeous hair and always look so glamorous - I have hair loss and wear a wig. I guess though all my close friends know both these things about me! So maybe your friend does have it all coming up roses! I can see how work people would think I have a fab life when the reality is different.

Success is a mixture of luck and hard work imo. Very few people truly do it on their own. Also be aware that you only ever see the outside of people’s lives she will have her own worries and sadness to deal with.