Feel intimidated by DF who always falls on her feet

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

Now I am fully aware that I am being unreasonable with my feelings which is why I would never openly express them to her but I just wanted to hear from some people who might sometimes feel the same

I have a dear friend who I have known for well over a decade who I am very close to however I do admit that sometimes I am a bit intimidated by how she always falls on her feet. DFriend has recently been promoted to a role where her earnings will be not far from the 40% tax bracket, she sailed through the interview. Her DP and herself have just brought an expensive house in a popular Northern tourist town with money/trust fund from both sets of middle class well off parents. Her DP is well qualified and is getting work published by university. They have good degrees, lots of money and help from family and always seem to land on their feet for everything. Whenever I catch up with my friend she's always talking about holidays she's booked, fancy meals she's going out for with DP, promotions, how good she is at her job etc. Everything is so seemingly effortless.

No I am in a fairly alright position, however I am nowhere near as high in the food chain as either of them and suffer with depression which can hinder me sometimes. Things don't necessarily come that easy for me so sometimes catching up with this friend hearing about all of her successes, whilst I'm very happy for her and express this, I can't help feeling a bit worn down by it all ...does anyone have any advice

Nobody has a perfect life though.

OP, what you've said here (the way you view your friend) is the same as some of my friends and depression is a common factor so I do think that's relevant. Their view on life is - similar to what you've said here - that everyone else has it easy and their life is hard. It is not true (I can think of at least two negative friends who have had way more financial help from their parents that anyone I know, not that they'd admit that!) but they genuinely don't see it.

It is to your credit, OP, that you realise you are doing this - that doesn't make it any easier for you I know, but you're not the only one to do this by any means. Don't worry about it!

I understand that it can be frustrating when people are handed a lot by their parents. They are lucky whereas others aren't so lucky and it can cause jealousy. However, the other things - the good job, her husband's success - it sounds like they work hard and they're good at what they do. Is it fair to say that they 'fall on their feet' as if they just got lucky and don't have any talent? I'd assume her husband is very intelligent and highly qualified and probably spends very many hours on his work if it's being published. She is obviously really great at her job which I doubt just comes totally naturally and effortlessly. She probably works really hard too

I have a friend like this. Born into academic royalty, everything academic as easy as it could possibly be, career floated straight to the top... married into the peerage... expensive houses, expensive holidays, expensive schools for the kids. Drives me mad at times, coming from a very different background where basically everything has been a struggle and i have failed all over the place despite working at least as hard.

But no-one sees the chronic illness, the chronic mental health issues in her husband, the constant worry about one child's lifelong health issues, the constant pressure from her DH's family of keeping up with the (lord) Joneses, the extreme pressure from her family where just haveing a high-flying career isn't enough, you need to be an FRS and win a Nobel prize as well...

I wish people would stop saying that when you’re well off and successful it’s all down to luck. It isn’t always. DH trained as an electrician but wanted to do better so went to night school after working all day. Parents didn’t give a shit. No encouragement , no money. Ended up with a very well paid job and became successful in his field. No luck involved, just hard work.

I have a friend who seems like that. She met her DH when they were both working abroad and was with him for a few years before they returned to the UK. It was really only then she realised how wealthy he was...old school wealth that is not paraded, but just is . She got accused of being a gold digger and all sorts, but she is so not that. She has a lovely little girl, and a supportive and adoring husband. But she has a normal life. She suffers from depression, has physical problems after a traumatic birth, has to look after her aging and demanding parents on her own as her brother lives a long way. Her DD has SN which her DH is in total denial about so getting therapy etc is an uphill struggle and her DH has mostly checked out of parenting altogether. All through it she remains upbeat, but has told me she is forcing herself to act cheerful all the time. She is the object of such envy from people- including people she thinks are her friends and who snipe behind her back about her charmed life. What do they see? Well-heeled professional with a career and loving family. Never judge a book by its cover.

Rachelle I love your post.

Its hard work, more so than always landing on her feet.
Some people do seem to sail through life, and appear blessed, but that really is just life.
And I'm sure she doesn't talk about her holidays etc just to piss you off.
It is your jealousy that's the issue here.

Anyway- envy is a useful tool that tells you want you want in life. Turn that to looking within and what you can do to make any changes you can.

Lucky he was healthy enough to do all that @redbedheadd. Lucky he had the kind of personality and intelligence that helped him succeed. Lucky he was born into a society which let him have the career mobility he has had. Lucky he did well in his career too - lots of us worked fucking hard with zero encouragement and still get nowhere. Lucky he eventually met someone he loved who clearly supports him too. There's a lot of luck there, which you might also call random chance.

That's not to say your husband hasn't made amazing achievements given his circumstances - and yes there'll be some people out there who are just lazy - but don't go deluding yourself into thinking everyone else could be the same if they just tried a little harder.

I'm another one who is a "lucky" person and it really is perspective.

When I left my first husband after an abusive relationship a friend who I didn't burden with too many details as she had a lot going on but is also a massive pessimist told me I was lucky that I had got married and that she would never get the chance.

DD is also an "angel" child to everyone on the outside as she has mine and DH's positive attitude and the way we deal with things directly impacts her, my Grandma taught me to find the best in any situation, that no matter what if you find the best things are always brighter than they seem.

We have to work at being content, being happy and positive and it is bloody exhausting but it's makes us a very happy family for the most part.

A bit of jealousy is normal, but being this affected by it is not. Are you getting help for your depression OP?

Rather than using her achievements etc to put yourself down, perhaps try to see them as inspiration for what you want in life, and motivational to do what's necessary to get it for yourself.

People say I'm lucky and sail through life all the time and always have.

A former teacher of mine told me when she met one of the guys I went to school with that he said I was lucky I always sailed through exams by mere intelligence - she put him straight and said I was simply more driven and put far more effort into my work. I used to spend hours doing school work when others went out to have a life and it payed off in spades later on.

When I left school I was the only student in my year group with a firm offer from a university - and abroad at that. People thought I was lucky, but forgot that I used to do an A-level exam, fly abroad for an interview the next day, then come back and sit the next exam.

I was brought up by an abusive single mother and what drove me was the thought of getting as far away from her as possible, but very few people know this.

I got told by my sibling I was lucky that I had the money to go to university and pay the fees without incurring debts. What they didn't seem to remember was that I saved all my pocket money, money from weekend jobs and money my family saved up for both of us for birthdays and Christmases for years instead of presents to do this, while they used the money to go out clubbing, buy clothes and get a driving license.

I got told I was lucky to have landed a job straight after uni. What most people don't know is that it took 50 applications and 4 failed interviews to do this. Sleepless nights as a single mother desperate to find a job to support me and my child - it kept me going.

I got told I was lucky to go part-time and try out a different career a few years later. What people didn't see was the money I had saved up for years to do this and that I still contributed to the household bills out of my savings from this fund. And the many hours spent after a 12-hour working day completing several long-distance courses to gain the right qualifications.

I keep getting told that I am lucky that both my children are well-behaved. At the same time as getting told I am too harsh with them when they do misbehave, as children do. I have worked extremely hard on their behaviour from an early age and my second has a massive tendency to be a wind-up merchant and stubborny do as they please - I just don't put up with shit.

I will be changing careers again in a few years and I am starting to prepare for this now. There will be many knock-backs and there are already.

Luck has a lot to do with a personality that doesn't stop at the first (or second, or third) hurdle, a certain refusal to take 'no' for an answer. Like the time I needed a piece of jewellery repairing and got told by 6 jewellers they couldn't do it/ wrong material/ blah. Only to find someone willing to give it a go (and succeeding) in the 7th shop. I could easily have given up after the first, but I didn't.

A lot of luck is hard work, hours/ years of preparation and having a plan for life, then taking the necessary steps towards this. But many people only see the outcome, not the work that went into it.

I do think attitude has a lot to do with it. I have worked with 2 women who went on about how unlucky they were and others then started saying how unlucky those women were but one especially had quite a fortunate life and the other no more unlucky than anyone else

Try not to compare and just love your own life if you can. I get it must feel unfair but if it does make you more miserable seeing her then maybe cool the friendship? You aren’t obliged to spend time with her if she isn’t sensitive to how you feel or you just find it too hard.

I worry about this sometimes as I’m possibly the one people feel like this about. No financial worries at all, lovely husband, healthy happy kids who are no trouble at all, job I love, family I’m close to.
But am I supposed to sabotage all that in order to level things up? I certainly don’t talk to friends about things and don’t boast IRL but it must be strikingly obvious to people close to me.
But you know who knows what’s round the corner? Something catastrophic could happen to me or your friend any day and then the table would flip and you would feel sorry for them.

So try and focus on yourself if you can. Enjoy life as best you can.

Sadly things don’t get dished out equally.

It’s pretty shitty how this whole thread is about people being relieved that ‘charmed people’ actually have it shitty too. Like they can be forgiven for their seemingly nice lives as long as there’s some real crap there hidden behind it.

I’m charmed and literally have nothing shitty to complain about. I don’t know the future but every day I get through with no tragedy is a gift. And for 38 yrs I’ve had a wonderful life. So hate me.

@namk hey not sure you meant to tag me? I didn't mention my partner...

OP, I can relate to what you are saying. Almost all of my friends are much better off than us. What I find is with some friends it doesn't bother me at all (think multiple properties, house bordering a desirable London park, horse etc) and others I always walk away feeling much worse. I know I'm not a person prone to envy but when 'friend' constantly brings up the fact her husband is about to get a huge payout and move to 'x' and then suggests ways we could remodel our flat it leaves me feeling pretty low. I think it would be odd to feel otherwise! Basically you need to reflect on why they might be making you feel like this. There are parts of my life that are enviable, but I'm pretty modest and quiet about them because I know not everyone has the same opportunities.

What I've definitely learnt is you don't have to have 'x' to feel grateful.

@redbedheadd No, sorry! The app auto filled. I meant to reply @Reddedder.

my dsis is like you op she goes on about how everyne she knows is so lucky and been given everything she just sounds bitter and jealous-instead of trying to make things better for herself she just brings it all down to other peoples wealth/lifestyle-of course weve been through tough times together but its very draining to hear it day in and out

It’s pretty shitty how this whole thread is about people being relieved that ‘charmed people’ actually have it shitty too. Like they can be forgiven for their seemingly nice lives as long as there’s some real crap there hidden behind it.

Yup. Quite sad people had to kind of put down everyone so they feel better.

I think what some people see as ‘lucky’ is mainly to do with having an optimistic nature.
On the surface, I appear to be ‘lucky’
I have a wonderful husband, lovely children and great siblings.
There have been some terrible times in my life, loss of home ,loss of money and the loss of close friends and relatives , I
remained optimistic. I always try to see negative experiences as a way to learn something. It’s not easy, However , having this attitude means that I am pro active which means that positive things are more likely to happen

Tessa- totally agree with your post.

When I'm with friends I talk about my new relationship, my work, my dad and mother in law, the dogs and things that I've been doing - recently it involved presenting at a conference in a very swanky hotel in Switzerland, going to a premiere with my partner and taking my eldest niece to Paris for the weekend for her 21st.

It's nit bragging, it's just talking about my life and what I've been up to. Same as they do with me.

If you don't enjoy spending time with your friend for whatever reason then just stop. Friendships are supposed to be enjoyable.

I think it's okay to be a little envious in this situation. The key is to not dwell on it.

I disagree that everyone has shit in their lives. Some people really are just lucky. And I don't think we should console ourselves by seeing someone happy and wealthy by thinking "they probably have some shit in their lives". That's not fair, let others have good lives.

In the career I do, I see a lot of people who will say "I got here by sheer determination" but that's not true, a lot of it is wealthy parents, intelligence and a bit of luck. With quite a bit of hard work thrown in sure, but some of my friends from back home would never have made it into this career no matter how hard they worked because they didn't have the kind of support that most people have. I didn't have financial support but I did have an awful lot of emotional support, support with my education and a stable home life. Which lots of my friends at school didn't have, all the shit that happens in life has happened to my work friends and home friends equally. But lots of my work friends are lucky because they had the stable, mostly wealthy foundation to begin with that the first group didn't have.

The thing is is theres absolutely no point in being jealous or intimidated. You can't go back and magically get yourself a trust fund. You just have to work with what you've got. If their life was shit, it wouldn't make yours any better.

I think a lot of what happens to us in life is luck, but we can't change it so we just have to be positive about our own lives. You can only work with what you've got.