Feel intimidated by DF who always falls on her feet

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

Now I am fully aware that I am being unreasonable with my feelings which is why I would never openly express them to her but I just wanted to hear from some people who might sometimes feel the same

I have a dear friend who I have known for well over a decade who I am very close to however I do admit that sometimes I am a bit intimidated by how she always falls on her feet. DFriend has recently been promoted to a role where her earnings will be not far from the 40% tax bracket, she sailed through the interview. Her DP and herself have just brought an expensive house in a popular Northern tourist town with money/trust fund from both sets of middle class well off parents. Her DP is well qualified and is getting work published by university. They have good degrees, lots of money and help from family and always seem to land on their feet for everything. Whenever I catch up with my friend she's always talking about holidays she's booked, fancy meals she's going out for with DP, promotions, how good she is at her job etc. Everything is so seemingly effortless.

No I am in a fairly alright position, however I am nowhere near as high in the food chain as either of them and suffer with depression which can hinder me sometimes. Things don't necessarily come that easy for me so sometimes catching up with this friend hearing about all of her successes, whilst I'm very happy for her and express this, I can't help feeling a bit worn down by it all ...does anyone have any advice

I think people on her saying having wealth isn't everything probably haven't been poor themselves. Even if you have health issues or divorce having money or a family that will take care of you can make a hell of a difference.

You dont know what happens behind closed doors. You’re only going by what she’s telling you, but not by what she’s not telling you if you know what I mean. I’m sure people think I have a charmed life but in reality no body would want to be me, I guarantee. We all have our problems.

@BarrenFieldofFucks I agree, is she bringing it up completely out the blue or is it part of the discussion about what she is up to?

Just on a tangent - what exactly is a trust fund? Is it just a fancy term for setting up a savings account for your DC and giving them the money when they turn 18/21?

I guess with your friend it depends on whether she's bragging or just talking about her life. Most of my single/child free friends the main topics they talk about are work/holidays/house renovating/keeping fit/dating...only my closest friends talk about more personal stuff like family issues or their health. My friends and I seem to have really different tastes in movies and music so we don't chat much about that either.

Sometimes I do feel intimidated by friends with better careers/nicer houses...but then I try to be happy about the things that are going well in my life. Also, sometimes little things that don't mean much to you, your friends admire about you. I'm an ok baker, but my two closest mum friends can't bake at all, so they always say they look forward to cake/brownies if we have a playdate at mine :)

I have a lot of luck and maybe because if that luck I’ve had the luck to confidently expect things to work out every time. I’m much ‘luckier’ and more positive than my sister who had the same luck in terms of upbringing and wonderful supportive parents. But I’ve also had a jealous friend scream at me and throw me out of her flat once because a bouncer let me in a venue with no ticket while they stopped her. I know why that happened but she wouldn’t have wanted to hear the reason. She was more beautiful than me, triply stunning, but had a cold look of entitlement about her. I grinned and bantered and he laughed and waved me in.

Anyway, sorry OP but please tell me what it is that your friend has done wrong. Is it that she talks about the normal things in her life?

Some brilliant and very useful things to take away from this thread I do completely agree with the posters who say they've been in both situations and can see it from both sides that it can be tough on the other end of the fence as well.

I love your story @witchend about making the best from a bad situation :)

people born into these kind of lucky situations have less stress and therefore will perform better in interviews, etc.

of course not

some will, but some born- less lucky will be more driven, less complacent and more successful.

I think people on her saying having wealth isn't everything probably haven't been poor themselves.
I completely disagree. The only thing that matters is health. Money you can always make, the only real hardship for me is ill health.

Some people seem lucky. I've seemed lucky at certain times, I've been very optimistic as well, but now I seem profoundly unlucky in what has befallen me and my family. I suppose what I'm trying to say is no-one is lucky for a whole lifetime. Your friend will have losses and trials and difficulties like anyone, even if she has periods of luck as well. No-one escapes life unscathed. Try to see this as what it is- a superficial jealousy, don't wish ill on her and see what you have got is good (if you live in the Western world with our access to money and medicine, you have it better than so many already, especially women).

Luck and then making it that way. I'm fully aware that to many people I look incredibly fortunate - nice job, comfortable life, naturally slim and people usually say that for someone with 4dcs I seem so cheerful.

But while I totally am lucky, on a global level, I was also born into poverty, with parents who loved us but had no interest in our schooling, then had to drop out of uni when I became ill and had no local support, had a number of miscarriages and then a few years back DH became seriously ill and then suicidal, leaving me as the breadwinner and full time carer for he and DCs. I sleep 4 hours a night to keep it all going while working full time, and am slim because I have no time to eat (but also kind of flabby because I also have no time to exercise).

My life is still wonderful in many ways, I have lovely DCs and siblings and my DH is a good man and our parents are decent if distant, and we have enough money to live in a small but nice London house. But like other pps, being an optimist often also makes people assume it's all effortless, which is certainly not true!

She doesnt 'land on her feet' OP. Being successful for most people takes a fucktonne of effort, confidence (genuine and fake) and skill. Fake it til you make it is generally what most do.

Some people are just better equipped. It doesn't mean you can't learn to be too 🤷

I will disagree with some.

I don't think friend is bragging. I think she is talking to her dear friend and can talk openly. She doesn't have to hide she is going on holidays or has fancy meals or downplay it all. That's what she does, what her stories are about and so she will talk about it. 🤷‍♀️ Should she pretend she doesn't do any of it? Or that she is not excited about it?
Op, you may feel dishartened or intimidated (envious in reality and who wouldn't be a little), but you are her friend and if she can't speak about her things with you, then you might want to just put distance between you. For both your sakes🤷‍♀️

Into each life a little rain must fall.

Years ago my DM told me that at some point Everyone gets some shit in their life, be it a disabled child, a divorce, losing a close family member young, caring responsibilities, losing a child, cancer, anything at all, just shit.

It’s true, be happy for heras you don’t know what’s round the corner.

Everyone has always said I am so lucky and in many respects I am. Hard working DH, children both Oxbridge, v comfortable life style, two successful careers (for me).

What people don't see: my narcissistic mother, both parents married thrice, no emotional security, my steely discipline - being at work at 7.30 in my 20s when friends were clubbing and not going out. Totally supporting DH's early career when he worked 14-16 hours a day when dc were under 7. The fact that DH can be a bit difficult by virtue of his drive, ambition, etc. They don't see dd's mh issues, they don't recall ds2, buried 10 days after his birth.

They just see the houses, the lifestyle, the privilege. No cognizance that whilst above water I glide like a swan, below water the activity to keep it all afloat is sometimes super human.

I appreciate that if one is stretching minimum wage and dealing with illness what goes on below the surface is massively more strenuous and daunting because there is no fucking choice

Only you can say for sure Op but I also wonder whether she's actually bragging and trying to make you feel bad or is it more about what's going on in your own head? It's perfectly normal to compare ourselves with our peers but it's not their fault if we (harshly) judge ourselves because we tell ourselves we don't measure up.

My sister for example tends to think that almost every woman she meets is "a bit full of herself" or "talks too much" or "is a snob" or some other negative comment. They're truly not, they're just women who have more confidence and better social skills than dsis. She definitely feels a bit inadequate by comparison and I think she gets defensive and has to find fault to make herself feel better, probably without even realising that's what she's doing.

OP I’m probably in a similar situation to your friend, although not as wealthy.

The difference is that, when you know yu have a safety net under you, (like parents) it’s much easier to take risks.
It’s also easier to go for that placement that doesnt pay much (if it does) to improve your skills etc...
And when you arrive to the interview, you EXPECT it to go well, because, well, it always does at some point.

What some posters seem to forget is that the OP is talking about a friend, not an acquaintance.
I would have thought that if there was things as bad as a child in drugs, a very unhappy marriage etc... the OP would have known about it.

not everybody tell every single detail to their friends.

In the worst case scenario, and not saying this is the case here at all!, but abuse women do not tell their friends about it!

you don't always tell everybody about baby loss or childhood trauma.

Bragging is not a good sign. Its definitely unfair but it is life - some people get more than others. However if all she talks about to you is her holidays and how good life is for her - take that as a sign that not all is perfect.

Even if friend has never had anything "big" go wrong in her life, it still doesn't mean she's bragging or trying to make Op feel bad. Not that Op herself has actually accused her of that but some posters have jumped straight to that conclusion.

Generally people are just talking. If I ask someone what they did over the weekend and they tell me that they went on a city break and had a ball they're not bragging even if "I did laundry, shopping and watched Netflix" makes me feel a tad boring by comparison!

Not everything is as it seems. Maybe it is with your friend and she's 100% delighted with life, but with most people it isn't.
I have two particular friends that appear to "have it all" but they just do a good job of painting a positive picture to the world, both have had upset/stress/mh problems that they just haven't let on about.
As previous posters have said, there are also plenty of people worse off than you.

Rich parents = not success.

People higher up the social scale have better lives.

comparison is the theif of joy

I've never heard that- very apt.
Some people ARE just lucky.

Honestly though, there's always someone worse off and always someone better off.

I remember being in an awful state awhile back. Every night I would be grateful for my kids, my job, my dogs and my house.

Everyone is lucky in some way...

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
Her life may seem perfect but it might not be

Be happy with what you've got and don't compare yourself

Is there not a difference between "going on" about something and just telling a friend what you've been up to. It would be strange if she didn't mention being in Bali or Barcelona or whatever or a nice restaurant they went to? Would you want her to not mention those things?

I'm sure she would be upset if she knew how she made you feel. ☹️

I'm seen as someone who has it all together despite a ds who suffers from developmental trauma. I'm generally pretty happy go lucky.

What people don't know is my dad died of a drug overdose when I was young, and my mother is a drug addict still. She constantly comes to me for money.

I have a lovely home, great dh, and incredible ds. I've worked hard for all those things, and I'm very proud of them. I also have amazing friends.

Very very few people know my background. I don't often open up about it. However I will say because of how challenging parts of my life have been, it makes the successes all the sweeter. I have been very very lucky, but not in the way most people consider.