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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He dated someone much younger...thoughts?

92 replies

cactuslady101 · 11/05/2019 16:21

Just found out my partner of a few years dated an 18 year old a few years ago. He would have been 27 at the time. Apparently it didn't last very long at all but I know that they slept together. AIBU for feeling weird about this?

OP posts:

Regret2019 · 11/05/2019 19:58

I went out with a 36 year old for a couple of years when I was 18 (obviously neither of us stayed those ages). His previous, very loved wife had died, and his friend group had coupled up by the time he'd moved on enough to see someone else.

On one level it seemed like a healthy, happy relationship with lots of laughter and political chat, on the other hand he was pretty insecure and I definitely had issues. We broke up because he wanted more than I could give at that age and wanted to live abroad, live my own life. He let me behave worse than any man since, theres a lot of power in being the one who cares less. Now I'm in my early 30s and I feel weirder about it. I meet 18 year olds and just don't have anything in common with them.

I get why it's getting you

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/05/2019 20:05

My mother was 19 when her and my 29yo father met. They married less than a year later.
They were also both serving in the army.

YABU.

Marchinupandownagain · 12/05/2019 08:33

@NameChangeNoImagination

Tbh I would be disgusted

Then you are very narrow-minded indeed. Let me revolt you further with my DH and I: met when I was 22 and he was 37. Still married after 34 years and lots in common. Jog on.

TheSheepofWallSt · 12/05/2019 08:41

I was just 17 when I started dating a 25 year old. I’m hindsight that relationship was not okay, in any level. It went on for 18 months and I remain appalled my mother didn’t intervene.

At 28 I met the 49 year old who is now the father of my son. That relationship was like any other- and the power dynamic totally healthy. Age didn’t factor into our separation at all.

It’s context isn’t it- by 28 I’d had actually far more “life experience” and was more worldly than the 48 year old.
At 17 I was very much 17, albeit bright and intellectually able to pass as far more mature, I was very much a child.

It’s context- but I can see why it would put you off...

Pinkarsedfly · 12/05/2019 08:41

My DH is 15 years older than me.

If I’d met him when I was 18 and he was 33 I’m afraid I’d have climbed him like a tree and ridden him like a Blackpool donkey.

If you’re old enough to vote, get married, drive, etc etc, I can’t see what harm a relationship with another consenting adult can do unless you’re with an abusive prick - which is crap no matter what your age.

ooooohbetty · 12/05/2019 08:44

Yabu. Both adults. Not weird at all.

cranstonmanor · 12/05/2019 08:45

I was a bit when my friend, 19 at the time, slept with a 31 year old man. She married him, finished her studies, had 3 children and they are very happy together 20 years later. For some people age differences work. As long as they are adults it's fine.

limpbizkit · 12/05/2019 08:46

God... I was 22 when I started dating my now husband who was 38 at the time. Together 8.5 years 2 kids later. I had a thing for older men and dated a couple of guys who were in their 30s when I was 17! If it was my daughter I wouldn't like it at 17 so I guess that makes me a hypocrite

LettuceP · 12/05/2019 08:51

I was with a 26 year old when I was 18, hes now my dh. I was very mature in my late teens anyway so it never seemed weird.

Teddybear45 · 12/05/2019 08:51

Depends on what the 18 yo looked like. If she looked like a young teen (13-15 which is very possible at that age) then that would definitely ring alarm bells for me.

limpbizkit · 12/05/2019 08:51

I have a feeling you feel threatened by her youth. Its kind of understandable but I do think it's probably routed in a touch of jealousy/bitterness rather than the age gap. I think you're trying to justify your feelings on it and make it seem rational. I'm sorry. It's just my honest opinion. I'd try not to let his past ruin your present and future. It'll end up being a relationship destroyer. Don't mention it again and don't give him grief over it either. It's unhealthy

motherheroic · 12/05/2019 08:53

Yeah I'm 26 and absolutely could not date anyone under 23. Let alone 17. And I only date women so the 'girls are more mature' stuff doesn't wash with me.

bluebeck · 12/05/2019 09:06

YABU and a bit weird. It's a nine year age gap between two adults.

Pppppppp1234 · 12/05/2019 09:07

I met my now husband when he was 29 turning 30 and I was 21! Nothing creepy there Op...

Cattenberg · 12/05/2019 09:13

When my ex was 28 (which was long before I met him) he dated a 16-year-old colleague. He wasn’t her first boyfriend, but I felt very uncomfortable about it when he told me. It did sound as though he was quite immature at that age - he proposed to her after a short time and they were briefly engaged, before she left her job and their relationship just fizzled out.

Collaborate · 12/05/2019 09:27

You should tell your partner how you feel about this. You know, give him a chance to reconsider whether he wants to be in a relationship with someone who gets freaked out at such stuff.

Utterly bonkers.

SoyDora · 12/05/2019 09:34

The 'socially acceptable formula' (introduced to me by my DS) says to halve the older person's age and add 7. If the younger person's age is equal or greater than the formula result, all is ok

That is completely nonsensical

ItWentInMyEye · 12/05/2019 09:36

When I was 18 I went out with a 27 year old and at the time felt it was totally normal. Looking back and once I got to 27 I don't think I could've been with an 18 year old. My DP at 27 said he couldn't begin to imagine having anything in common with someone so young.

HowardSpring · 12/05/2019 09:44

Some people seem unable to understand, and therefore like to insinuate something creepy or worse, any behaviour that isn't their own.

Age gaps in relationships are universal. This subject regularly comes up on MN and loads of posters met at X and Y ages and are still together/had fun while it lasted etc. Some unpleasant people think that anything other than a 2 year age gap, maybe 5 if the couple is older, is unacceptable. The same people have weird rules on children, in-laws, friendships, who their partners talk to, housework and probably sex!

That's fine - until you start spreading lies and making evil judgements about people who do it differently.

Oh and my three big relationships - including my DH, were +7 years, +12 years and minus10 years. It is the person that counts.

justarandomtricycle · 12/05/2019 09:46

There's nothing even vaguely wrong with this YABU. I was with someone in their 40s at that age and it was just two adults having a relationship.

I've seen it seriously suggested on mn, I forget where, that a 27yo is too young and there's something untoward about that, I think for some people their own age minus 15 years is where they would like to draw that line, for whatever reason.

Unless there is some grooming involved (in which case you're still an exploitative pervert when dp is 50), this is fine.

nrpmum · 12/05/2019 09:47

18 years between my Uncle and Aunt. By my calculations he would have been 35 and she 17 when they started dating. They've been married for 42 years now, and have two grown up kids although aunt told me they're really the ski instructors

HowardSpring · 12/05/2019 09:47

Pinkarsedfly - Spot on!!

justarandomtricycle · 12/05/2019 09:49

When I was 18 I went out with a 27 year old and at the time felt it was totally normal. Looking back and once I got to 27 I don't think I could've been with an 18 year old.

I feel the same looking back, older ex was a bit immature I think.

WatchingTheWheels85 · 12/05/2019 09:51

My mother moved a 17yr old in the day after she met him when she was 35. I lnew even as a child it was wrong because my brother was the same age as him.

Iamnotagoddess · 12/05/2019 09:53

Flipping heck!

I dated a 26 yr old when I was 16 and - 45 year old when I was 30 (still friendly with both and am now in my 40s).

If it’s legal and both consent and three is no coercion or control what’s the big deal?

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