Genuinely - is this annoying or not? Lodger ate my food without asking.

[Why2]

Aibu?

My lodger, who is also a family friend, came home late this evening and finished the food that was in the pan (one portion) without asking.

Feel maybe irrationally annoyed.

I know it’s comparatively a small issue, but for some reason my blood is boiling .

I think she sounds like a good fit with your set up OP. Not perfect, but approachable.

Yes I think so too generally.

She doesn’t have an agreement but she is here while she is doing a course and is deciding month by month if she wants to stay longer. She earns money by working from home freelance.

I hope I am not uptight. Am I asking for too much money.

Yes my issue is partly with ex and being sort of jealous that she gets to talk to him sometimes and I don’t.

WTAF and what a mess. Am on my way to work where at least things are clear for a bit of respite.

In this house if it’s left out it’s up for grabs. I leave it out in the hope that someone will eat it rather than it go to waste )or clutter up the fridge until it goes off and then go to waste). If it’s intended for a lunch or to be eaten another day it goes in a covered box or bowl in the fridge.

As other people have said, you need to start being clear with the lodger and your ex about house rules.

Ah, I get you OP.

Just ask the children to put leftovers in a Tupperware box marked “mums” after the food has been plated up, problem solved.
I wouldn’t say anything tbh as she probably thinks it’s ok since your ex lets her, if the kids box it up before she has a chance then problem solved, if dad objects kids tell dad that’s mums dinner. I think it’s more hassle than it’s worth getting rid of her and getting another lodger, if she’s paying close to market rate (as pp has confirmed) then it doesn’t sound too bad, you know her, you know her quirks etc and she honestly doesn’t sound too bad, your next lodger could be a smelly, noisy pain in the arse so maybe better the devil you know?

You need to sort out boundaries op.
In all areas of your life.

Where your ex sees the kids isn’t your problem.

This seems an awful lot of hand-wringing over nothing much. Food left out in a pan sounds grim anyway. Ask your ex to put leftovers in a tub in the fridge. Ask your lodger not to help herself to food. Think about if the ex set-up is working.

I wasn’t unpleasant about it. I asked because I had been looking for it.

I do want to know kind of where I stand with food, and I guess a lot of this is because she paid so little at first. Which is what I asked for so she wasn’t going to say no I’ll give you more.

I take your point. However isn’t it just polite to ask if you can have the food someone else has made. I would never just help myself to someone else’s food without asking. Whatever the set up.

I'd be having the conversation that her rent does not include food and the she needs to buy her own and not just help herself.

600 a month sounds a bit expensive, to be honest. I know people in zone 2 who pay 650 for a room in a shared house with the protection of a tenancy agreement and not having to put up with the owner living with them.

Having kids I doubt you'd be able to get a better deal. And don't you think paying 600 a month is insane anyway, considering salaries? I know London prices are ridiculous, but isn't she supposed to be a family friend??

Have a talk with her and set the boundaries you deem appropriate, but sounds to me like you really dislike her so may be best to ask her to find somewhere else.

It is her dog not mine.

I did not make a fuss with her, I asked. I might be uptight and will work on that.

She doesn’t have to put up with me, we get on generally and talk quite a lot. Both of us the survivors of traumatic break ups. She is free to stay here as long as she likes and she has her very present dog with her as well as a large front room downstairs that we now don’t use because it’s hers.

My question about the food yesterday was because for some reason it really triggered me.

Is £600 too much, all bills included (and I have lost my single person discount on the council tax) all she does is pay for her food that she buys, and trips she goes on (and any personal expenses she might have that I don’t know about).

Genuinely and without attacking me please, is £600 too much? Should I ask for less?

Am feeling shit about this now .

£600 isn't too much. If it was, or she was unhappy, she would be making efforts to move on elsewhere. There are good reasons why she hasn't - presumably primarily the dog and the rent being cheaper than she'd get elsewhere.

She is paying you a significant sum of money and lives with you, your kids and your dog, plus your ex coming in and out of the house.

The dog belongs to the lodger, not the OP.

I think the food thing is easily sorted with a quick chat. It's the ex that needs more work. I think you really need to stop him being there so often (or at all, ideally). Let him sort his own accommodation, or take the kids out, or whatever. Your whole household is being controlled by him and you sound a bit scared of him. At the very least, the household is thrown off balance by him letting himself in all the time.
It's totally fine to tell your kids and your ex that you need him to stay out of your space. What he does after that isn't your problem, just make sure you change the locks.

I’m wondering if your ex had text her or in some way let her know to help herself to the food from the pan. You’ve got very blurred lines in your house and I think a lot of it has to do with your ex coming over and cooking for the children. Maybe you think she takes advantage with food but equally the situation must also be very confusing for her. So to resolve this I think it would be useful strict boundaries from now on. Not worth getting upset about what has happened although I think it’s disrespectful to eat the food and not clean the pan.

600 is fine.

Just explain calmly, and ask her not to do it again.

How are you with cake? That seems to be many people’s line!

Does your ex cook food which he purchases seperately or do you pay for it?
If you pay for it, then ne has no right to regularly share it with your lodger.

I think there needs to be house rules for both the lodger and ex.

I guess a lot of this is because she paid so little at first.

You need to let go of this. It can’t be a factor in the current arrangements.

Honestly? It sounds like a very easy me simple misunderstanding to make. It was the left out in a pan and sh is often offered left overs. If it had been in a Tupperware in the fridge that's a bit different.

£600 sounds fair given your slightly messy arrangements, it would be harder if someone you didn't know.

Don't ask for less, it works for both of you. She can have dog etc. Your issue is with the ex really. And don't feel shit, you are juggling and learning as you go. Perhaps say anything in a tub in the fridge is ask first, but she's welcome to join you on stuff left out.

(And if she wants to eat the out of date food or give it to the dog let her go for it, saves on waste.)

I think you're projecting a bit, and this is why it's eating away at you. Your problem is the ex, who seems to think he can treat you with absolute contempt and (quite probably deliberately) encourages other people to do so - 'Oh, never mind about Why2, she's a mug, ignore her, eat her food, will do her good, the tight-arsed bitch' etc.
Does the ex still have any legal right to enter your home eg divorce not through and his name still on the mortgage/tenancy? If not, what do you think would happen if you change the locks and tell him he is no longer allowed on the premises? Would he stop seeing the DC (as a way of punishing you)? Smash the house up? Withold maintenance? Run whining to everyone you know to get them to pressure you to obey him again?

600 is reasonable.
And I’m not exactly sure why there is so much emphasis on your ex Partner when the original question was regarding the lodger

Typical