Genuinely - is this annoying or not? Lodger ate my food without asking.

[Why2]

Aibu?

My lodger, who is also a family friend, came home late this evening and finished the food that was in the pan (one portion) without asking.

Feel maybe irrationally annoyed.

I know it’s comparatively a small issue, but for some reason my blood is boiling .

She's paying £600 a month for a room? It's not even a shared house, she's a lodger with a room?

Yes a lodger but she uses all of the downstairs as if it were her own. So we do share it iyswim. The garden / living room etc... I do think £600 all in a month for a large room with a dog and use of all of downstairs is good.

I wouldn’t ask for more either, but was just saying that she feels it is a lot but I think it is reasonable for where we are.

I am not saying that London rents are reasonable in general. I know they aren’t.

Text her something friendly that makes the point. Something like this would do:

":o You ate my lunch! Not to worry, but could you run it by me before having leftovers next time, please? Not all leftovers are created equal."

As someone who has lodgers for years and endured similar

Get rid ASAP
Charge market rates for a lodger.
Get a tenant in who is will to pay market rent and happy about it.
Lay down rules from the start depending on what you are happy with.

Getting a decent lodger was honestly life changing.

On a separate note eating your food is a fucking Liberty.
When you change lodger set a clear boundary and do not feed them. Ever.

Ps bet the ex wouldn’t be feeding the lodger if it was a bloke...

You probably wouldn’t get much more the. £600 given you have a hectic and messy home situation with children, an ex who is around, and a partner.

People who get too whack for their rooms are typically single people or couples with no children.

You seem to have issues with boundaries in general tbh! Why on earth does your ex, who you don’t speak to, come to your house everyday?

Anyway, YANBU about the lodger, when I was a lodger I would never have just taken leftovers unless explicitly offered them. I didn’t expect others to eat my food so it’s common courtesy not to eat theirs.

She sounds like she’s used to taking the piss (although surely the answer to the out of date food is just to get rid of it not leave it sat in the fridge!) and will only get worse. I can’t imagine you’d struggle to replace her in zone 2 London.

@saskia

Op already said she has a dog (most private rentals won’t even allow it and if they do it costs £££) and that she has free use of the downstairs
She’s also getting fed pretty regularly from the sounds of it too...!

I charged £680 “for a room” in zone 3 which included bills and council tax and my lodger was delighted to save £200 a month to live in substantially nicer flat and enjoy a bigger room / nicer standard of living than a private rental.

#WelcometoLondonLiving

But eating your food is annoying. You can clear this up though.

Just speak to her. Say that food isn’t included in the deal, and that leftovers you leave out (unless explicitly invited) are not fair game. You know it’s confusing because ex offers to feed her sometimes, but you only have the food budget for yourself and the children.

When I lived in zone 2 (until late last year) it was a one bed flat that had had the living room turned into a second bedroom, a landlord that was AWOL, a dog the landlord didn't know about (long story - the dog pre-dated me in the flat) and I was paying £650 a month to have a bedroom there, plus council tax and electricity, and that was considered cheap.

Look on Spareroom for comparable properties. There's an argument to say that the inconvenience of living with children is matched by the desirability of having somewhere that allows a dog.

Then put her rent up to market rates and if she doesn't like it she's welcome to move elsewhere - but give her enough time to find somewhere that will take dogs (not easy) as it wouldn't be fair for the dog to lose its human.

Hmm... I think this is pretty confusing for the lodger and that will make it stressful for everyone.

If ex makes enough food for her and leaves it in the pan; and he did so today, I think you're unreasonable to question why she's eaten it. That's usual practice between them, and you being home doesn't really change it unless you make it clear that when you're home; you want first dibs on the leftovers.

But overall I can understand your frustration that you've got a lodger saving money with you and you're feeling short, and you've got a messy home situation to boot. I'm guessing that not having a lodger isn't an option, and that you can't talk to your ex to agree a new arrangement about food, so I'd fall into their system to reduce stress. Food on the hob is spare and can be eaten, food that's in Tupperware or bowls belongs to someone. That's clear and will be easy for everyone to follow.

@BlueSkiesLies is right. There are loads of rooms on websites for that price and cheaper in Zone 1/2. Yes, the dog is a plus however a lot of people wouldn't want to move in with this kind of setup (children and an ex that hangs around).

It doesn't really matter anyway, you've said you don't want to charge more however to me it sounded like you were doing her a favour giving her the 'cheaper' rent and I don't personally think that's the case.

The food is a problem for you and you need to tell her that, it will only get worse without talking to her. I don't think your ex is helping the matter either.

Seeing as she's a family friend and is paying you 600 quid a month I wouldn't begrudge her a bit of left over food to be honest. I'd be very happy for her to eat the food that's past it's sell by date too,rather than waste it. She sounds frugal rather than tight,whereas you sound a bit (up)tight.

Is your ex making himself dinner with your food too? Are you paying to feed him?

Your frustration sounds like it's stemming from your ex - he's the one that's causing confusion.

If your kids are teens why is he in your house every day? Can't he meet them somewhere else?

Scoping for left over or out of date food would be a bit annoying, but, not worth this level of upset because it should be easily fixed with a conversation. I think you have an ex problem, not a lodger problem

She is frugal yes. But does take advantage of invitations too.

I did really try to help her the first three months when she paid £100 a month. She was delighted and said she would be able to save more (initially it was £300 a month but I brought it down).

Now she is here for £600 all in large room / dog / use of downstairs. But yes messy situation. My sister wound me up by saying that someone on her street is paying £750 for a tiny room. My sister often winds me up.

The money is a red herring. It was the food issue really.

Maybe I am uptight. In fact it turns out she was not here when ex cooked that food and he did not offer it to her, so as far as she is concerned when she came in, I had cooked it.

Anyway I did ask her about it casually saying that I had been looking for it (which I had), and she said that yes she had eaten it, had I wanted to keep it? I said well yes. She then said that she had wanted to wash the pan it was in and had half eaten it and half thrown it away (even worse ). We just left it at that. Probably a misunderstanding, and yes the boundaries are blurred.

Food for thought for me regarding running a more organised home if I can, also for the sake of the lodger.

And yes a lot of this is connected to my ex. Long story but when we split, his half of the settlement needs to be consolidated in order to accommodate the dc. Where he is is unsuitable for them and he is now building a house.

He half pays for the food, some is mine.

Bloody talk to her! Tell her what your boundaries are around food, lock up food when your ex is there. Or get rid of her!

I think she sounds like a good fit with your set up OP. Not perfect, but approachable.

I realise London rents are high, but £600 a month (and the OP says she could get £200 more ) for a room as a lodger is ludicrous. It's not the same as a flatshare, lodgers don't have anything like the security of tenure someone would have if it was a proper sharing arrangement. To put it in context, my son (in London) lays £650 to share a really nice flat with a proper tenancy agreement and the use of all facilities.

This is off-topic though so I won't labour the point.

When did you split up, Why?

Have the needs of the children changed? It's really not reasonable for an ex to have access to your home like this. You have the right to privacy.

Just because things have always been done in a certain way does not mean they have to carry on in the same fashion forever.

Have you thought about what YOU want? You want your lodger to not eat stuff that's yours - that's a conversation and she'll comply with your request because she's got a good deal. You don't want to lose the lodger because she's paying a reasonable sum, tolerates the difficult home situation and has a family connection - all fair enough. The lodger is a manageable problem.

The ex, in your home, cooking, shopping, blurring lines every day? Stuff that.

If they are teens they can cook their own tea, travel to meet him, whatever you need to make your home work for you.

What do you want to be able to do in your own home?

Can you believe what ex says?

Might he mess with you?

I can easily see the situation where one of the apparent grown-ups of the family tells a lodger "just take leftovers if you're hungry" and the lodger takes it at face value.

I can also see a situation where he spends a lot of time there and talks to her a lot, and wouldn't mind at all if you were a bit unreasonable to her.

Read Anne Dixon on assertiveness, a woman in your own right.
You just need to get your boundaries clear. Say you left the food out to eat later, agree some rules with her, you can offer outdated items but don't want her hovering or anticipating. Be clear about hospitality, she is paying, not a guest. Sometimes you may invite her but it's not assumed. Does she do you favours, mind kids etc? It's always a problem with mixing friendship and money, but you need to bring it up in an unconfrontational way.
Your ex is a whole other issue. Why doesn't he take kids to his place?

Wow op...your so nice your being walked over ..get the ex out of your house and life.move if you have to..why is he in your home ...as the the parasite you have living with you....get rid and get a nice proper lodger in paying correct rent