AIBU - sister is pregnant?!

[Nemo1189]

AIBU?

So here’s to not drip feeding, I’m a lesbian women with a wife, we are currently under going IVF, which anyone who has been through this, will appreciate is a hard and emotionally draining process. My problem lies with my twin sister and her husband who are currently pregnant at 23 weeks with DD. My sister had a miscarriage at 6 weeks last year and then 8 weeks later got pregnant with her DD. I’m so happy for her, I am, but I’m finding it so hard.

All she talks about is baby, how amazing it all is, how lucky she feels, how easy it was for her to get pregnant, all the little things I long and wish for. I understand how lucky me and my wife are to be having IVF, however it doesn’t make it any easier. The chances of it working first time if we are being totally rational and honest are slim, so the likelihood of us having a baby in the near future is slim.

I have been to my sisters 4D scan, I have been there buying baby clothes and helping her choose the pram. I have tried to be involved as much as possible and as much as she wants me too, we are so close and have an amazing bond usually but it’s really starting to get to me.

When I try to open up to her and just explain how I’m feeling, she just shuts me down. She’ll often say I’m acting jealous (I am I suppose) or I’m being pathetic, that I’ll have a baby soon, it’s easier to say that when you are 23 weeks pregnant and so blessed to be in that situation.

She also said if you were with a man you’d be pregnant too, although that’s wrong as both me and my wife have fertility issues so without the intervention of IVF and modern medicines, even if we were in a straight relationship we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant naturally. I know she is so happy after her miscarriage to being having a baby but it feels like she’s almost rubbing it in my face at times, going out of her way to tell me how amazing it is to be pregnant and how I should experience it sometime. When we see each other, the conversation is nothing but baby talk when she knows how I feel about it all when I’m so churned up inside with my own fertility issues and worries.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get from posting this, I just need to get it off my chest I suppose, I’m 3 glasses of wine in, the wife and the dog are in bed and I just needed to vent. So any mumsnetters got any advice?

I don’t really have any advice but I hope it happens for you soon. It must be so difficult for you. Having a baby after a miscarriage is hard and amazing so she’s probably battling with that too even if she’s not saying it it’s really scary. Trying is also gut wrenching so you’re doing well to be so supportive.

I had a sister in law who was told she would never have kids (they now have a son) and I have 6 kids-I always tried not to rub her nose in it but it must have been hard on her at the time your sister is in a bubble and she can’t/won’t see how hard it is for you she is being selfish can you not sit down with her and tell her how your feeling? It’s either that or you might have to start limiting time with her (btw good luck with the ivf)

Your sister is being quite insensitive, especially with the comment about being with a man! I'm not sure I can give you any helpful advice, I tend to be a bit blunt in those situations and it isn't always the best thing. Good luck with the IVF, I was told I couldn't have DCs without help and even with IVF it would be a small chance, DS is snuffling and rolling around in his crib next to my bed

Try to be kind to yourself, it can be really stressful.

When you want to be pregnant everyone seems to be going on about it... adverts, films, pregnancy bumps everywhere. The fact you are having this pushed right in your face by a close family member who knows the longing sounds really tough.

It's odd that she would call you jealous when it's actually a normal feeling in this situation and relates to deep longing rather than selfishness.

Perhaps be honest and say you wish her well, but so badly long for a baby that you need the conversation to be about other things when you are together as it's really painful?

@Chocolate35

I really hope and wish it happens for us soon too. Yes I can appreciate how amazing it must feel for her after loosing her baby at 6 weeks and I’ve told her that but it’s almost like she doesn’t care to think or see how I’m feeling. I am trying my best, my wife has even said to try and back away from it all but it’s harder than that when it’s my twin sister.

@RainbowKnickers

I’m glad for your SIL, it is a very hard and lonely place infertility and trying to stay positive. I have tried to speak to her about it but she just seems to want to shut me down, it’s almost like my unhappiness will burst her bubble, so I’ve been bottling it all up and going along with every baby thing but my mental health is taking a hit if I’m honest. I wanted to go into this ivf strong and confident, but I just feel like a weak blubbering mess most of the time.

@ZippyBungleandGeorge

I agree she’s been insensitive, but she can’t see that. She just thinks I’m being unreasonable. I was quite hurt and upset with the comment about the man when she knows my fertility issues. Thank you for the well wishes and many congratulations on your precious little DS.

@Chocmallows

Yes it is very stressful, and yes you’re right everywhere I turn is baby this or baby that. Yes it is being pushed in my face and sometimes I think intentionally not that I think she means to hurt me but maybe it’s a feeling of yes I’ve got what you want almost. Yes I agree it is entirely normal to to long for something so many people find so easy to have. I will have to have a proper sit down chat with her I think, I need to air my feelings, it’s getting harder as the weeks go by to pretend like I’m all smiling and happy when inside I’m churned up and wish I could experience what she is without being in so much pain.

FWIW I think you’re a brilliant sister. I have a sister a year older than me and she’s never been happy for me when good things have happened. Definitely sit down and speak to her honestly about how you’re feeling, at the very least she might understand you a bit better and stop her nasty comments.

... she just shuts me down. She’ll often say I’m acting jealous ... or I’m being pathetic ... She also said if you were with a man you’d be pregnant too

Fuck her to fucksville & she can keep fucking off once she gets there, the nasty insensitive little gay-basher. SHE's all right, but your natural fears & worries are just to be dismissed?

Your are being an absolute star to support her with all the happy pregnancy activites while squishing your own feelings down. It's really hard to read that she has suffered a MC, yet is unable to translate how that felt for her into how you might be feeling about your own conception chances.

She sounds like a selfish bigot, but only you can decide how much of her company you wish to endure while she is pregnant & you are battling to conceive. It would be nice if you could back off a little & spend the time with your wife & supportive chums instead. Sister is clearly not prepared to take any of your feelings on board, but believes she is entitled to demand that you make all the right noises & gestures about HER pregnancy.

You are NOT unreasonable, & I wish you all the success & joy that a deep & empathic person like you deserves.

To put it bluntly, she's being a dick. But she probably doesn't realise that, as she's in her little bubble of pregnancy happiness. It kinda does mean that for a while, you're a little self centred, and perhaps she just needs a bit of a nudge to see it from your point of view.

As far as the comment regarding being with a man, as harsh as it sounds, she's right. Before I get flamed for saying that, let me point out that myself and my female partner currently have a 10 month old baby together, and there most definitely was no male involvement other than the obvious necessity. If you were in a straight relationship, fertility issues or not, you are able to 'try' much more frequently, therefore upping the chances. Going through fertility treatment of any kind limits that, and gives you a very small window for it to work. So the odds are always going to be less. Regardless, it was a ridiculous comment to make.

Fingers crossed for you and your wife, and please sit down and have a chat with your sister!

I know you say you are close and get on well but for her to say you are jealous and pathetic and would have conceived if you were with a man sounds seriously unkind and borderline homophobic. Are you sure she approves of your same sex relationship? Those sort of comments are not made accidentally or unthinkingly or without realising their impact. And Abby are you being asked to do stuff like help choose a pram? That’s what a husband would do normally, why is he not doing it? At a push a sister who had kids and knew pram pros and cons might come along to help but not a childless sister who is TTC. Talk about rubbing your nose in it.

There is something deeper going on here by the sound of it.

What specific fertility issues do you have? I had IVF and despite being told we had only a 5% chance of it working, DS was conceived on our second round and is currently treating us to the joy of potty training. (My issues were low ovarian reserve due to age and a blocked tube). Best of luck.

Really hope it happens for you soon Nemo1189.

It's very tough. She won't understand how you feel so I wouldn't waste a lot of time explaining. I'd just try and distract myself and only join in as much as you feel able.

She's being pretty insensitive. But having a miscarriage is pretty tough too.

I've been the one trying to get pregnant and the one who is pregnant.

Your primary role (IMHO) is to look out for you.

I'm infertile and my family breed like rabbits. It's been soooo bloody hard. But the last person I would be talking to about it is the pregnant one (whoever it is that week - eyeroll!) because I wouldn't want to burst their bubble or make them feel guilty. I would talk to my spouse or best friend or any other family member.

The comment about a man was unforgivable but I don't think talking about your fertility problems with her is helpful to you.

I really really hope it happens for you and your wife very soon

She is being an arse, yes you should be pleased for her and it sounds like you have gone over and above to keep her happy but she is not doing the same. She sounds spoilt and selfish, try to limit your time with her for now and I wouldn’t bother trying to discuss your feelings with her because she clearly doesn’t want to hear it. It is very hard to go through IVF without having a pregnant selfish twin sister at the same time. Focus on your own journey through IVF and stop pandering to her.

Her comment about you being with a man is probably the key here. She doesn't think you deserve it because you are gay and is not really going beyond her own perception of this, for you, her sister. I'd be very hurt. I really don't have any advice, I just wish you the best.

I hope she is delirious with hormones to suggest you would have a baby if with a man... it’s one way but not the only way to get pregnant!!

I do wish you all The best with your I have heard it really plays on your emotions so try to spend a bit of time being kind to you too, your sister may not be in a place to be supportive from the sounds of things so surround yourself with your best cheerleaders in your life.x x

"When I try to open up to her and just explain how I’m feeling, she just shuts me down. She’ll often say I’m acting jealous (I am I suppose) or I’m being pathetic, that I’ll have a baby soon"

She might be your sister but she's a selfish insensitive prick.

Please step back before she hurts you even more than she already has.

If there's any chance of her treating you with more respect, I think you have to start by respecting yourself enough not to put up with her insensitivity.

Disengage a bit, don't cut contact but reduce it for a while.

Could your parents or a mutual friend have a chat with her? maybe hearing from a neutral party how hard it is for you might help her see sense?

I found out I was infertile and no amount of 'trying' with DH was going to help! Your DSis is very unkind and insensitive! But you have options, as you know - I hope things work out for you. Your DSis needs a good talking to, and if necessary, reduce her involvement in your life.

We used donor eggs and now have two lovely DCs - I wish you all the best and a happy future with your DW. .

This is a hard one as I've been on both sides.
Try to see it from her side too. Shes had
miscarriages and is finally at the stage where theres an actual baby coming now. And her twin cant be happy for her as shes going through IVF. I honestly dont mean that to sound harsh but just wanted to say that it's hard for both of you. Shes pregnant with a much longed-for baby and you're struggling to get pregnant with a much longed-for baby. She is ecstatic and wants everyone else to be. You're gutted and want others to recognise that. It's just so hard for all of you. Best of luck for you and for your baby niece.

@Jossina What the f**ck?????? Your comment has been reported what a horrible, horrible thing to say. If anyone who has miscarried recently reads what you just wrote, it could really upset and hurt them!!!!! You should be ashamed

@Jossina how disgusting, the op actually seems to be a nice normal human being, why on earth would anyone say that!? You need to take a long hard look at yourself

RSAcre has it for me 👌

Good luck OP, I can’t wait for you to come back moaning about nappies xxx

God she's being mean. Of course she has every right to be over the moon, but a little sensitivity wouldn't be that hard to muster surely?
Pull back a bit OP, both physically and mentally. You can love your niece or nephew when it comes and you will.
But for your own sake withdraw a little and focus on yourself and your wife and supporting each other. You're obviously never going to get the support you need from your sister so concentrate on your own family. You're going through a stressful time, you really only want to be around those who are going to walk beside you through this

Jossina
Yes very wrong of you.

I don’t think the sister is being insensitive, she’s already had one pregnancy loss and id quite imagine this pregnancy comes with his own stresses and she’s just trying to be positive and happy.

I’m sorry your going through your own fertility issues OP and hopefully one day you will be starting threads of parenting woos