AIBU - sister is pregnant?!

[Nemo1189]

AIBU?

So here’s to not drip feeding, I’m a lesbian women with a wife, we are currently under going IVF, which anyone who has been through this, will appreciate is a hard and emotionally draining process. My problem lies with my twin sister and her husband who are currently pregnant at 23 weeks with DD. My sister had a miscarriage at 6 weeks last year and then 8 weeks later got pregnant with her DD. I’m so happy for her, I am, but I’m finding it so hard.

All she talks about is baby, how amazing it all is, how lucky she feels, how easy it was for her to get pregnant, all the little things I long and wish for. I understand how lucky me and my wife are to be having IVF, however it doesn’t make it any easier. The chances of it working first time if we are being totally rational and honest are slim, so the likelihood of us having a baby in the near future is slim.

I have been to my sisters 4D scan, I have been there buying baby clothes and helping her choose the pram. I have tried to be involved as much as possible and as much as she wants me too, we are so close and have an amazing bond usually but it’s really starting to get to me.

When I try to open up to her and just explain how I’m feeling, she just shuts me down. She’ll often say I’m acting jealous (I am I suppose) or I’m being pathetic, that I’ll have a baby soon, it’s easier to say that when you are 23 weeks pregnant and so blessed to be in that situation.

She also said if you were with a man you’d be pregnant too, although that’s wrong as both me and my wife have fertility issues so without the intervention of IVF and modern medicines, even if we were in a straight relationship we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant naturally. I know she is so happy after her miscarriage to being having a baby but it feels like she’s almost rubbing it in my face at times, going out of her way to tell me how amazing it is to be pregnant and how I should experience it sometime. When we see each other, the conversation is nothing but baby talk when she knows how I feel about it all when I’m so churned up inside with my own fertility issues and worries.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get from posting this, I just need to get it off my chest I suppose, I’m 3 glasses of wine in, the wife and the dog are in bed and I just needed to vent. So any mumsnetters got any advice?

You sound like a lovely sister and I really hope you and your wife get pregnant. I have to say, I don’t think your sister has been at all sensitive to your situation.

I do sympathise: I’m currently 20w and my younger sister took the news of our pregnancy extremely badly, to the degree that she has cut off all contact, defriended on FB etc. Like you, she has fertility issues (ectopic last year), and although we purposely held back on telling the family our news so to be as sensitive as possible, and specifically took guidance from others on how best to deliver the news (by email so she had time to react) she took the news very badly.
We havent had an easy time either (2mc’s), so while I’m sensitive to her feelings - I’m also upset (and yes, angry) that she has turned a happy situation for us into ‘all about her’.

I haven’t (and wouldn’t be) as insensitive and ?selfish? As she seems to have been in her expectations of you, which is why her reaction has been so hurtful.

You’ve been lovely and gracious, but I think you ought to retreat and protect yourself. Not go NC or be nasty...just protect yourself. Good luck!

I feel for you OP. I too am struggling with fertility issues and watching my sister get pregnant by accident was like a blade to my heart. Especially when I had to hear about it all the time from everyone in the family - not just my sister.

Best thing to do is just retreat a little bit if you can, that’s what I have had to do. It’s not going no contact but it’s about protecting yourself. Your sister isn’t trying to be sensitive to your situation at all.

The only advice here I think would be to give it some space. Not going no contact, but very slowly withdrawing from the situation. It’s upsetting you and probably playing on your sisters mind too. She’s being incredibly insensitive and selfish. You’ve gone over and above with your support for her, it should go both ways.
My husband and I were TTC for 3 years with one failed IVF behind us. My DS ‘knew’ she didn’t want children and would continually comment about why people put themselves through it, why they couldn’t just be happy together, why spend money on IVF... the list goes on. Very hurtful. I might add that she eventually changed her mind and decided she did want a child. And conceived pretty easily. And expected the world and his dog to be happy for her.
The only way I could deal with my feelings of unfairness at the situation was to create distance. I’d still respond to texts and calls, but do the bear minimum.
And just to add some hope to your situation. I eventually had an operation to ‘explore’ and clear some fibroids and later fell pregnant 💐

Most hospital who have IVF facilities have a fertility counsellor to support people going through that process.
I wouod advice strongly to and see them.

IVF is hard, lesbian or gay.
It’s normal for feel jealous and it’s normal to be hurting when you see people so close to you having what y U want to so much that easily (even though you can argue that if your dsis also had a miscarriage it wasn’t that plain sailing for her either).
And I think your dsis is being insensitive, even self-centred. It ight be because she had her own problems so now only see the joy of a pg that is doing well. It might be that, because you have been there for her since the start, going to scan etc, she doesn’t quite realise how hard it is for you.

Either way, support, ime, is the key to manage those waters.

Your sister is being very insensitive and needs a good talking to.

I am lucky in that my sister, who discovered she was pregnant just as I had had a MC following IVF, handled it all sensitively. She knew the pain I was going through in TTC. My DN was actually born on what would have been my due date.

Is there a third party, DM or a mutual friend, who could have a word and point out that although you are happy for her it is painful when you are wanting a baby of your own? The comment about being with a man is shocking quite frankly.

Wow I didn’t expect so many replies. Thankfully all have been positive except one (you’re a wanker). I wouldn’t say she is homophobic I’ve been with my wife for going on 6 years and she has always been supportive of us and our marriage and has never made comments like that before. Her and my wife get on so well and often go shopping etc just the 2 of them. I think I will have to talk to her, it’s eating in me upside. I need to make it clear that I’m struggling with my own fertility and having her DD in my face all the time isn’t good for me. I just want her to support me in the way I try to always support her and DH. As for the pram shopping etc, me and my wife went out for lunch with her and DH and afterwards she asked if we could pop into mothercare, I agreed and then she went through the prams and asked me to help pick as we have very similar test and her DH, bless him is useless when it comes to things like that, I didn’t mind as Ill support her when she needs me to I just feel like it isn’t being reciprocated. If she can’t understand that, then maybe I’ll have to back off from her and DD a bit until I can sort my own head and feelings out.

Also we have seen the counsellor at the IVF clinic however we both found her rude and homophobic and reported her (that’s an entirely different story) so didn’t continue the sessions. I find it hard to talk to anyone out of close family about my struggles. Maybe talking to my parents and asking them to speak to her would be a good idea, maybe from them she’ll feel she isn’t being personally attacked and it might resonate with her better.

I don’t think YABU at all and I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time conceiving.

It’s a difficult situation because on the one hand your sister should be able to enjoy her pregnancy but on the other hand she could be a bit more sensitive to your situation.

You are obviously trying really hard to be a good sister by going to her scan, choosing a pram but maybe this is making things harder for you. I would probably just back off a bit and give yourself more space so that you are not constantly exposed to all the baby stuff. I’m sure she has other people she could do these things with (I don’t have a sister and I managed perfectly fine) and the way she is behaving means you shouldn’t feel any guilt at putting a bit of distance in.

Good luck with your IVF.

@MuffingtonClay

Both me and my wife have PCOS and chronic anovulation. My wife has regular periods but isn’t releasing an egg. I haven’t had a period for going on 2.5 years despite all drugs tried. Therefore my wife would be the carrier as they have basically said my chances would be so slim.

I can't understand how why she wants you to be so involved, I've had 4 children and none of my sisters have been to a scan or baby shopping. I think you need a little bit more space and she needs to far more tactful.

She also said if you were with a man you’d be pregnant too... going out of her way to tell me how amazing it is to be pregnant and how I should experience it sometime.

Ouch.

Only you know her, but this did strike me as seeming like an undercurrent of "disapproval" coming to the surface. Whether she would describe it that way or not.

It does stand out though that you seem to do a lot for her - including working extremely hard to shield her from your own struggles (to your detriment possibly) - which is not reciprocated, even with a bit of empathy.

However you try to do this, make it face to face. Written words can so easily be misinterpreted, and when it's something difficult it can be very distressing to receive it in an email or text message or letter to read alone without warning. It comes across like the other person doesn't care about the impact on you, just doesn't want to have to face your distress.

Maybe all of you could sit down together with your parents to mediate, rather than delegating it to them?

Her comment about how you should try it sometime is beyond cruel and showing her complete lack of understanding. You aren't choosing to not be pregnant. It's not lick you're admiring someone's new cooking and they say you should try it in the future. Fucks sake.

I've had two miscarriages. I'm happy with the children I have but it doesn't mean I can't have empathy for someone who has never had a child. Bloody hell. She needs a slap rather than a head wobble.

I hope you're soon posting to tell us you are expecting and your sister has piles. Sorry.

I think you need to be really blunt with her. "No DSis, I will not come with you pram shopping. You are being really cruel by expecting this of me when you know our situation." "DSis, if all you can talk about is your baby, I will have to hang up. You know what we are going through, and you are being very inconsiderate of my feelings." You need to point out to her just how cruel she is being to you.

@SunshineCake

Has piles thanks for the laugh this morning!! Our transfer day is coming up soon for the eggs so fingers crossed I can come back in 3-4 weeks and tell you we are pregnant. That would be a dream come true.

Sorry you are going through this Nemo, infertility sucks at the best of time, let alone when someone close to you is pregnant and talking about it constantly. The fact is you are probably the person she wants to share everything with most, you said you are very close and have similar taste in buying things, so she probably just doesn't think about how it's affecting you and is wrapped up in what she wants. Which isn't an excuse, she should think about you more but I find that it's the people closest to us that rely on our opinions and support that sometimes forget that we might also be struggling...I would be totally honest with her, and say it's really tough right now, you are in unknown territory and everything you want she has but you feel it's out of your reach, I would say naturally you are jealous as it's your dream to be a mother but it's not just that, tell her you are upset that she doesn't understand how painful this is for you and despite you really wanting to share everything with her, it really hurts when you aren't experiencing motherhood when you so desperately want to and you want her to appreciate that.

I think on the other side of it, this is obviously a huge thing for her and she's probably got into a tunnel vision over it without realising, I would tell her you still want to talk to her about the baby but just talk about other things to, what you don't want is for her to feel she can't say anything.

Hope you can work it out with her, it sounds like you have a great relationship she just needs to come down back to earth a bit after her euphoria, and she will....

As someone who had a baby after a previous miscarriage at 7/8 weeks.... your sister is completely insensitive and borderline cruel. I was so careful not to start going on and on about my pregnancy in front of my partner's sister and my friend who were both having fertility difficulties, the latter had multiple failed rounds of IVF. My friend has since gone on to have a little boy and she in turn was very careful not to flaunt her pregnancy as by then her own sister was having difficulty ttc and believe me there was no woman alive who was more happy about finally being pregnant than my friend. You can be happy about your pregnancy without inflicting hurt on others.

You sound lovely OP, I hope this happens for you and your wife very soon

It's such a shame that she can't recognize that you can simultaneously be happy for her and supportive, but also struggling with your own issues and in need of sensitivity and support yourself. Maybe in the end she will get it. I hope so. But in the meantime, I think the main thing is that you have some people to talk to who do get it and will be there for you. Hopefully your wife but also other close friends who are a bit more removed from your situation. Do you have someone.

Hopefully that will allow you to continue to be politely supportive of your sister without exploding. Maybe at a little more distance if you need to.

And good luck for your transfer Nemo Really hope you come back in a few weeks to tell us all the good news! xxx

And also, as others have said, look for professional support if you feel you are struggling.

Nemo I’m sorry You’ve had a crap Counsellor! The ones I know about have all been so helpful.

Thenidea if talking to your parents is a good one. It might be easier if they are able to ta” to your dsis before you have a chat with her.

I think she isn't in the place to give you support or consider what parts of her conversation or planning are going to be upsetting to you. It doesn't make her a bad person.
You need to exercise self-care and if being around her is too upsetting then you need to limit your exposure.
Your DSIS needs to be at the centre of her circle of support as someone who is pregnant after a miscarriage. You need to be at the centre of your circle of support as someone struggling with fertility and IVF. You can't force your two circles together. You need to turn to other people for support.

I have no advice for you OP, but really hope everything goes well for you and your successful.

Good luck. My friend has chronic anovulation and has two children through IVF so it can work. Fingers crossed for you both and hope your Mum can help smooth the way.

I know your hurting, but can I suggest something.
Why not put your trying to conceive to one side and instead focus on this child who will be related to you and will be part of your life, you will be able to love this child, and hold this child, do you want to constantly be wishing it was you, and cause a time of great joy to be marked by your own sadness?
I know you want to talk about how hard your finding it, but I can see your sisters point. . Instead ask her questions about things, see it as a trial run.

Your sister sounds incredibly ignorant. It was horrible to say being with a man would your chances of getting pregnant. You have fertility issues ffs so a pregnancy could not be guaranteed. I have read on here of the odd woman falling pregnant with PCOS but more, who couldn’t conceive. And a mum friend with the condition, who has adopted. With your update it’s so apparent your chances even with intervention would be slim, which is really sad for you.

You are right to keep your distance or at the very least put up boundaries. It is such a shame. She’s your twin sister yet you cannot connect with her on this. I hope your wife is successful.

OhSoSiriusly
A woman with fertility issues has a far better chance of falling pregnant through ivf than piv.