AIBU - sister is pregnant?!

[Nemo1189]

AIBU?

So here’s to not drip feeding, I’m a lesbian women with a wife, we are currently under going IVF, which anyone who has been through this, will appreciate is a hard and emotionally draining process. My problem lies with my twin sister and her husband who are currently pregnant at 23 weeks with DD. My sister had a miscarriage at 6 weeks last year and then 8 weeks later got pregnant with her DD. I’m so happy for her, I am, but I’m finding it so hard.

All she talks about is baby, how amazing it all is, how lucky she feels, how easy it was for her to get pregnant, all the little things I long and wish for. I understand how lucky me and my wife are to be having IVF, however it doesn’t make it any easier. The chances of it working first time if we are being totally rational and honest are slim, so the likelihood of us having a baby in the near future is slim.

I have been to my sisters 4D scan, I have been there buying baby clothes and helping her choose the pram. I have tried to be involved as much as possible and as much as she wants me too, we are so close and have an amazing bond usually but it’s really starting to get to me.

When I try to open up to her and just explain how I’m feeling, she just shuts me down. She’ll often say I’m acting jealous (I am I suppose) or I’m being pathetic, that I’ll have a baby soon, it’s easier to say that when you are 23 weeks pregnant and so blessed to be in that situation.

She also said if you were with a man you’d be pregnant too, although that’s wrong as both me and my wife have fertility issues so without the intervention of IVF and modern medicines, even if we were in a straight relationship we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant naturally. I know she is so happy after her miscarriage to being having a baby but it feels like she’s almost rubbing it in my face at times, going out of her way to tell me how amazing it is to be pregnant and how I should experience it sometime. When we see each other, the conversation is nothing but baby talk when she knows how I feel about it all when I’m so churned up inside with my own fertility issues and worries.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get from posting this, I just need to get it off my chest I suppose, I’m 3 glasses of wine in, the wife and the dog are in bed and I just needed to vent. So any mumsnetters got any advice?

Can a neutral 3rd party e.g. mum/cousin/aunty/sibling, have a word with her and just ask her to be a bit more sensitive and tone it down around you?

This must be so hard for you OP. My girlfriend and I are going through fertility treatment too (have had two failed attempts) it feels like everyone we know is getting married and having babies and although I’m happy for them it’s hard whenever they are meeting married and baby on the way within one-two years!

Even harder when s friend made s comment of “would one of you not just have a one night stand” as if if a straight couple were having difficulties this advice would ever be seen as acceptable ?? Aw sure cheat on him, have a one night stand.

The fact this is your twin must be even harder and I don’t really have any advice but I think you need to be happy for her while concentrating on yourself. My partner and I attend fertility yoga which we know might not scientifically be proven to work it helps relax us for that hour every week.

Good luck with your fertility journey

There's nothing more I can add that hasn't been said already; talk to her if you can, and if she's not willing to listen at the moment because she's in her happy little bubble, then step back for a while and take some time to focus on your yourself and your wife.
Speaking as a woman who is currently undergoing IVF with my wife, I can totally appreciate how hard it is; the drugs, the emotions, everything seems heightened and you're more stressed than you've probably ever been before, at a time when the clinic are telling you to relax! Throw an insensitive pregnant person into the mix and it's no wonder you're struggling.
You have been an amazing sister to this point, and you still will be, but you need to focus on yourself right now.
It sounds like we're at a similar stage in our journeys; so feel free to message me if you want to chat at any time xx

Well she's being unpleasant and insensitive. Give yourself some space from her. Just be less available. The man comment shows where this is coming from.

Also agree with others about asking a family member to suggest she be a bit more empathic. She ought to know how bloody hard this is for you.

Hope it all works out for you.

@Justtheretosee

I’m so sorry for your failed attempts, it’s crushing when it doesn’t work out when you’ve built your hopes up. And yes we’ve also had a similar comment from a friend, this would never be said to a straight couple undergoing ivf, as if someone would say oh go cheat on your husband. We are all entitled to have a family, regardless of gender or sexual orientation and being infertile or struggling with infertility is hard and crushing no matter your relationship. Yes I wouldn’t mind if it was someone else as I could easily distant myself but being my twin we normally are so close and connected and always have been all our lives, so it’s extra difficult. I’ll look into fertility yoga, that sounds relaxing. Thank you x

@Phoebs47

I have pm’ed you. Xx

@Mummmy2017

Yes I am hurting, I have done nothing but be there for her and focus on her and the DD. I love this baby already, I love my sister and her DH. My own sadness isn’t something I can sweep under the carpet. I’m a human with feelings and it’s so hard going through infertility when people so close can conceive so easily. I will continue to be there for her and DD always. But I need to focus on myself also.

Another one here saying it sounds like your sister is disapproving of your situation. Obviously I don't know her but from everything you've said here I get the impression that she's gotten a bit sanctimonious/arrogant in her lovely pregnant state and thinks that you being in a lesbian relationship and going through IVF is all unnatural. She may quietly think to herself that a man and a woman together make better parents, and that IVF isn't doing it "right".

I don't want to be rude about your sister because I don't know her, and you say you're very close, so I'm sorry if I'm way off the mark. Just giving an honest impression from the info you've given here. It would explain why she's being so blatantly rude and rubbing it all in your face.

Anyway, best of luck with your IVF. I really hope it happens for you two, and in the meantime try not to stress about it too much and keep enjoying each other as you are now.

That's just a straaaange comment about you getting pregnant if you were with a man - as if men never have fertility issues. Or as if the problem is that your wife doesn't have enough sperm!

She's being insensitive and it sounds as if she needs it pointing out less politely.

It's understandable how happy she is, especially since she had a miscarriage but some of her comments are awful and really unempathetic

I’m in no way dismissing how you feel, I totally get it...I’m in a same sex relationship and, although we have kids, my partner has never given birth and it kills her...but I’ve also experienced a really traumatic miscarriage too.
What I would suggest is that you try to see it from her point of view too. She desperately wanted this baby and her miscarriage would have been exceptionally painful for her. At the time she probably feared that she would never get to experience this pregnancy and maybe still fears it will be her only chance. She’s probably super excited and wants her sister to be involved. It’s a special time for her and she wants you to be happy for her. She is probably finding it very uncomfortable knowing how to be around you. If she keeps her excitement quiet she could look like she was pushing you out, if she involves you, she seems insensitive. She probably doesn’t know how to act for the best and the frustration has lead to her saying stupid things that she didn’t mean like the “if you were with a man” thing. I’m sure she didn’t mean that to sound as bad as it sounds, what she really meant was that heterosexual couples do have higher chances of conception so she can’t help that pregnancy is easier for her. I’m sure she wishes there was an easier way for you too.
I would suggest you picture how things would have been if your IVF has been successful before she managed to conceive her rainbow baby. How would you have felt then? Try and treat her the way you would want her to treat you. Would you have hoped that she would have been really enthusiastic for you? Would you have felt her feelings were impacting on your happiness?

I know it sucks, but you will get through this. When I miscarried I had surgery in the ward next to my best friend as she gave birth to twins, and although that was rough, my god daughters really helped me get through a shit time. This baby is going to love you and being an aunt is amazing so try and enjoy it as much as you can. I wish you all the luck in the world with your IVF. And if that fails, I strongly recommend adoption because our youngest is the absolute light of our lives, even though neither of us gave birth to him.

Xxx

The trouble is sometimes Mumsnet will invest in you your right to be heard, they demand you face this person, and cause upset which has huge ramifications to your relationship with your sister ..
You need to realise that for the rest are f your relationship with your sister she could well resent your instance that she acknowledge your hurt at a time .. which is only 9 months if her life when she is feeling great joy.
You could find yourself inserting a wedge in your relationship, that can never be removed....

RSAcre has it for me 👌

@Thehop - genuine puzzlement here - what? How? Where?
Don't recall making any statement to or about you. Are you confusing me with another poster?

I know your hurting, but can I suggest something.
Why not put your trying to conceive to one side

Blimey. Why would the OP do that? - she's already committed to her treatment. Or are you another one who feels she somehow "ought" to be playing second fiddle to an insensitive sister, @mummy2017 ?

No I am more worried in demanding the sister who is expecting has to worry all the time about upsetting her twin, because though the comments should never have been made, it has to have been made for a reason .
And just say OP gets pregnant with in six months , the twin with the baby won't be spending the time complaining about not concieving , but OP will always know she ruined her sisters special time pre birth.

@mummmy2017 OP will always know she ruined her sisters special time pre birth

The OP’s sister is quite clearly oblivious to her sister’s feelings so it isn’t going to be an issue. From your posts, I suspect you and the OP’s sister have similar insensitive personalities with a completely lack of empathy for other’s feelings!

@Mummmy2017

When have I said I demand my sister to not say anything in front of me in case of upsetting me? Wanting her to see my side of things and be a little more conscientious isn’t demanding her not being able to speak about her DD. I am involved and have been from the start, but asking my sister to be a little empathetic towards my feelings at this hard time is hardly criminal.

No I am not the sister...
But people are telling OP Nero that she should demand her sister support her.
However this won't happen when OP is expecting as it is not an issue .
Talk tomorrow your wife cry what ever...
Let your sister be happy in her pregnancy, right now is not your turn....

but OP will always know she ruined her sisters special time pre birth.

Oh my goodness.
Are you sure you have read the OP's posts correctly? She has gone out of her way to be breezy & accommodating about her sister's pregnancy. She has tried hard to conceal her own feelings, but has had a fair amount of insensitivity in return.

As to "special time pre birth" oh pass me a sick bag. You do know that millions of women are pregnant at any given time, don't you?
It's entirely possible to enjoy one's own pregnancy without rubbing someone else's - who is having an emotional roller coaster with IVF - nose in it.

RSAcre #RSAcre#

Sorry if that sounded weird. I meant “has it for me” as in I’m wholeheartedly agreeing with your post on page 1.

@Thehop

Lumme ... what a relief.
'cos I'm entirely comfortable dishing out snarky comments on purpose, but the thought of doing it accidentally AND NOT BEING ABLE TO REMEMBER IT is a whole other territory!

Glad I don't have to check myself into Emergency Bitch Clinic - thanks for posting x

😂😂👌