Did I do the right thing? Helped a stranger uncover cheating.

[frenchonion]

Before I met my DP, I met a man On OLD site and got chatting. For several reasons we never met up, but got on fairly well as people and kept in touch for a while as friends by text and social media, which eventually tapered off as we started dating other people and life moved on etc, although remained 'friends' on social media.

I had a surprising message on SM yesterday from a woman I don't know. She'd actually been trying to contact me since the beginning of April asking if I could please please help her, but I hadn't noticed the messages as I don't use SM much, asking me to identify a photo of a man, with an attached pic of the guy is been chatting to OLD years before. I replied out of curiosity really, and the fact her messages sounded increasingly desparate. As it turns out, she was his DP and was asking for my help to prove that a particular social media account belonged to him. I confirmed that I recognised the photo, and she explained that he was denying this account belonged to him.

Anyway, long and short of it was he had been lying to her about this account being his and it sounded like he might have been using it for nefarious cheating purposes. I don't know how she ended up messaging me, but I did feel for her and sent her a couple of screenshots of the photos on the account which confirmed that it was his and he had been lying about it all. I didn't probe too much but she messaged me this morning to say she had ended the relationship and really warmly thanking me for my help.

I told my DP about this out of the blue exchange (I'm super low drama as a person and use SM very sparingly). He asked why didn't I keep out of it? I said I didn't owe this guy anything and had nothing to lose, except potentially saving someone from further heartache. He saw my POV (and would never dictate what I can or cannot do) but said he would have ignored the messages from the woman. I feel a bit weird about it all really. I won't waste any more time thinking about it but it would be interesting to know if other people would have done the same or if IWBU. Was I?

Phone ate my paragraphs!!!

I'm very wary of strangers who I haven't met on SM because you don't know who's catfishing/scamming/stalking.

Everybody goes from their own experience, I've been stalked before so I would never engage with someone who may be trying to stalk or harass another person. You don't know someone, you don't know the people around them then you can't know the consequences of getting involved. Or if it's just the same person you were originally in contact with messing you about. You don't know...

Face to face, I may talk to someone if it's a worried spouse because you can see their vibe/sincerity/sanity but not online where you can't be sure who's on the other side.

I would have ignored it.

I tend to think men have a more "keep your nose out of it" mentality.
I think I wouldn't encourage messages from this mans ex though; I avoid drama.

I would of helped too OP.

Poor women probably didn’t know if she was coming or going.

I'm a total drama avoider too. I think it's why I feel uneasy and still ruminating on it. I guess I can only hope what I did actually did help. She's not messaging any more, and I wouldn't engage further.

I would have ignored. You didn’t do anything wrong though.

I didn't even think of stalking

Although the photos I shared from his account were just generic 'share' type pictures and memes but lots of questionable stuff that anyone in a good relationship wouldn't be happy with a DP sharing, and one photo of his truck with no number plates showing so I hope no damage done.

I'd only be worried that the guy you were talking to wasn't the guy in the photos (stolen photos) - so potentially the real bloke in the photo could be innocent. Unlikely? Maybe. But technically possible.

You did the best you thought, I honestly don't know what I'd have done, but I would have felt wary.

How on earth did the DP find your details?

You did the right thing.

i think u did the right thing what if u said nothing and she was still being cheated on

There were no photos of him on the account. But the type of meme stuff shared on there was very 'typically' this guy. Think very specific hobby, genre of music, photo of his truck (which he has sent dozens of selfies/photos of to me while during the time we were chatting) and very specific career related memes/photos, as well as some horrible mysoginistic things. So you could get the gist that the account could very easily belong to him. His name on there was his very unusual nickname. He apparently was flatly denying this account as belonging to him, and it was set to private so apart from the name, she couldn't prove it was definitely his iyswim. And he was following me on there from the time we were chatting so I don't think there was any danger of being identity theft type thing as we had only connected on that social media platform from the time we were in touch - it was definitely his account. I don't know if I'm explaining very well! I have NO IDEA how she came to contact me. I didn't ask. Maybe I should have.

Its good to hear others would have done the same thing. I feel a bit better now.

Having been cheated on, I'd have done it in a heartbeat. Well done OP.

I would never help a stranger get information on someone based on their story online.

All sorts of people want to get photos or information about other people. Plain old mischief makers yes, but also stalkers, blackmailers, sociopaths on a vendetta, jealous exes, rapists, violent organised criminals, child molesters, honour killers the list goes on, and it is both trivial and commonplace for bad people to use a made up profile and a story to get information out of others.

It's done now so there is no point worrying about it, but I would not do anything like this again.

I would not have. Simply because, having no idea if this 'poor betrayed woman' was who 'she' claimed to be, a prankster, a scammer or some mad cow the bloke had recently dumped.
It's like that thing where there are waily waily posts on social media about being 'desperate' to track someone down. Unless you know the person asking well, or it's a checkable official request, never ever share or give any information. It's far too likely to be someone trying to trace the person they want to abuse some more.

Point taken. Luckily, I don't think any information I shared could be used in any way, since it was only a screenshot of some memes. I would definitely think twice if this happened again. I really hope she was genuine I did peek at her SM and it seemed to check out in terms of there being photos of them together up until very recently etc. But lesson learned all the same.

Having been the woman asking the questions before - I'd say you did the right thing.

So you basically believed a cool story from some random person, and then coughed up someone’s information, do you expect a blue Peter badge?

If I could see her social media to see she was a real woman then I would tell her.

I probably wouldn’t of got involved,only because I’ve on the receiving end of a mad stalker woman ,who was very nice to start with.

You believe she was genuine, she asked you a direct question, for help...aside from the potential risk, you definitely did the right thing out of empathy and compassion. You didn’t go out of your way to tell her.

Oh god this happened to me! A woman rang me having got my number out of the staff book at work (pub where she also used to work) asking if I knew anything about my manager and her boyfriend, who was one of the regulars.

My manager had gloated about it to anyone who’d listen, including me, and it had got back to the girlfriend. So when she asked, she already knew and I can’t lie for shit (nor would I have wanted to, the manager was a horrible cow) so my voice gave it away when she told me who she was. The aftermath wasn’t very nice and as far as I know, he wormed his way out of it because they’re still together.

Long time ago! I left shortly after because it was just a horrible atmosphere and I couldn’t look him in the face when he came in while I was on shift.

My old manager’s wife asked me if a girl who he’d told her had been sacked was still working there and I could see in her heart she was begging for me to say no, but I HAD to tell her the truth, everyone was lying to her and it made me sick, she broke down and I felt horrific but I couldn’t have lied to her goddam face. I guess this is different because it’s all sm and not people face to face but I’d have been tempted, maybe not send pics but confirm or deny things she said in a truthful way.
Although my friend had similar with an ex of hers who carried on messaging her after getting engaged and having kids with someone else, the girl messaged her and she just told her the truth, they’re still together now but at least she made her own fully informed decision.