Did I do the right thing? Helped a stranger uncover cheating.

[frenchonion]

Before I met my DP, I met a man On OLD site and got chatting. For several reasons we never met up, but got on fairly well as people and kept in touch for a while as friends by text and social media, which eventually tapered off as we started dating other people and life moved on etc, although remained 'friends' on social media.

I had a surprising message on SM yesterday from a woman I don't know. She'd actually been trying to contact me since the beginning of April asking if I could please please help her, but I hadn't noticed the messages as I don't use SM much, asking me to identify a photo of a man, with an attached pic of the guy is been chatting to OLD years before. I replied out of curiosity really, and the fact her messages sounded increasingly desparate. As it turns out, she was his DP and was asking for my help to prove that a particular social media account belonged to him. I confirmed that I recognised the photo, and she explained that he was denying this account belonged to him.

Anyway, long and short of it was he had been lying to her about this account being his and it sounded like he might have been using it for nefarious cheating purposes. I don't know how she ended up messaging me, but I did feel for her and sent her a couple of screenshots of the photos on the account which confirmed that it was his and he had been lying about it all. I didn't probe too much but she messaged me this morning to say she had ended the relationship and really warmly thanking me for my help.

I told my DP about this out of the blue exchange (I'm super low drama as a person and use SM very sparingly). He asked why didn't I keep out of it? I said I didn't owe this guy anything and had nothing to lose, except potentially saving someone from further heartache. He saw my POV (and would never dictate what I can or cannot do) but said he would have ignored the messages from the woman. I feel a bit weird about it all really. I won't waste any more time thinking about it but it would be interesting to know if other people would have done the same or if IWBU. Was I?

So you basically believed a cool story from some random person, and then coughed up someone’s information, do you expect a blue Peter badge?

I don't think there's much point in recriminations of this sort now as any damage done, is done.

We live and learn.

Having been cheated on, I'd have done it in a heartbeat. Well done OP.

Same here. You didn’t give out any info that could be used for anything bad.

Being cheated on and lied to about it is a right mindfuck. You’ve hopefully helped this woman move on.

Well done.

I'd have replied and helped her too.

You did the right thing, you told her the truth and didn't give any info away you thought could be used for anything else. As a pp said you didn't go out of your way to find this woman and rat him out.

Cubans comment is nasty and unessesary. I would like to think if I was in that position and thought a stranger could shed some light they would help me.

I do think there's something depressing about people who are so keen to dump someone else in the shit just because they got given a sob story about boohoo, breach of monogamy. It's not the 'right' thing to do, any more than shopping your neighbours to immigration or the benefits office because you believed the bullshit about how important it is to society that the poor are punished.

I do think there's something depressing about people who are so keen to dump someone else in the shit just because they got given a sob story about boohoo, breach of monogamy.

No ones being dumped in the shit. The guy was choosing to roll around in the shit and got caught out. Tough titties.

If I had been contacted by an upset DP of a man I'd been speaking to (not realising he had a partner), I would have answered their questions honestly. I wouldn't want anyone else to go through what I went through and if I could save someone from wasting any more of their time or further heartbreak, then I would want to help.

I'd have done it too. I dislike it when people defend letting liars carry on lying and hurting people with the 'don't get involved' approach. It'd be different if they'd been on the receiving end.

I'm sorry others have been in similar situations. A far cry from wanting a bloody blue Peter badge, presuming it was a genuine situation (gut feeling it was, but based on limited info that the story checked out) it's actually not a nice feeling. The thank you message was very heartening so at least if it was real it may have saved some extra heartbreak, or if not hopefully no harm done. I've double checked what I sent and it was a snapshot of 10 memes with one photo of the truck with no plates on a muddy path that could be anywhere, no identifying markings, plus the name of the account (ie 'online man's nickname' which the woman sent me a link to initially anyway. I've had a look at his facebook account now and it says in a relationship plus photos of the woman. so I'm pretty convinced now it was real. I should have checked this before really. So hopefully no harm done. Feel immensely sorry for her though. I'm going to forget about it now, I've already given it too much thought after the fact that I should have given before, but hey ho, you live and learn. Thank you for the input though, it has eased my unease a bit!

What do we tell our kids?
Never believe anything you read from a stranger on the internet. You don't know who they really are.

I answered a few of those on OLD.

Awful but sisterhood takes quite a prominent place in my life.

I think you did the right thing.

I haven't rtft but could it have been a catfish?

I don't think so wobblebot. Photos of each other on their fb accounts. Does seem legit.

In that case @frenchonion, I would have done the same!!

Many times on here women have posted that they were saved from abuse and pain by someone telling them their DP was cheating, a few even said they wish that those who knew but never told her, had told her.

Yet we STILL have people on this site who say 'I would have ignored it' or kept out of it.

How can people be so cruel and selfish to let a person be hurt, and you not do anything to prevent it? Such selfish, selfish people. You should ALWAYS do the right thing and help a sister out.

OP as for your DP, I would NOT be happy with him saying he would ignore someone pleading for help and needing to know the truth. That would not sit right with me, and indicates he thinks cheating is no big deal. I would be extremely wary of him taking something like that so lightly, in fact, if it were me, it would be a deal breaker. I could not be with someone who thought the 'bro code' was more important than helping the victim uncover the truth.

I think you did the correct thing.

Being told it's not his account, is gaslighting. You need help sometimes, when your repeatedly being not the opposite of what you know in your heart is the truth.

You know the sky is blue. He swears on his life its green. Just a small enough change to make you doubt yourself. Perhaps the sky is green and you're the one interpreting it wrongly. Its a mindfuck.so you as a random person, look up, what colour is that?! The sky....it's blue!
You can breathe out and move on, wishing you'd never doubted yourself in the first place.

Thank you @OP, i know you helped her and so do you, well done

OP as for your DP, I would NOT be happy with him saying he would ignore someone pleading for help and needing to know the truth. That would not sit right with me, and indicates he thinks cheating is no big deal. I would be extremely wary of him taking something like that so lightly, in fact, if it were me, it would be a deal breaker. I could not be with someone who thought the 'bro code' was more important than helping the victim uncover the truth.

That's very dramatic! OPs boyfriend doesn't sound like he thought she should keep out of it because of the 'bro code'! My husband would probably have said the same, and he does think cheating is a huge deal and he has no 'bro code'. He would have been concerned about stalking, it coming back on me etc.

OP I think you did the right thing.

Don't be so dramatic @LunafortJest
Those saying you should have ignored aren't on the basis of 'not helping a sister out' but rather 'you have no idea is this stranger is fake.'
What do you tell your kids if someone contacts them on Facebook saying 'I'm an 11 year old girl and I need help. Please meet me at the park?' Do you say 'go, immediately, you can't let that poor girl down.' !!

I think belong a sister out and obeying the bro code are 2 sides of the same coin right? But one is for women and the other for men.

I’d keep out of it. Relations start and finish. People cheat, and always have done. In this instance though, I would probably have helped as she has directly messaged you. Plus I like a bit of drama so it would be interesting to see how it all unfolded.

I did think the bro code boyfriend comment was a but harsh. He's not condoning cheating, just a very low key no drama person (as am I) who would have done what almost half the people on the thread suggest (keep out of it). He also deals with a LOT of dodgy people in his line of work so is probably less trusting and naive than I am too. Thank you all for your input though. Genuinely interested in the responses.

In the last message she said she ended it and blocked him, he was still denying the account as his saying 'well send proof', to which she didn't reply as she doesn't feel like she needs to, that she knows the truth and that's all she needed in her own mind to know she was making the right decision. She thanked me warmly for helping a stranger when I didn't have to, and that she intends to try to be a better and happier person going forward, that she was truly broken, but feels relieved that she's not in limbo. Reflecting for the last time, I'm glad I did it, I think, as the story seemed to check out. Going to forget about it now! Too much headspace taken up by it!

I operate on the "do unto others as you would like done to you" code.

Those pointing out the possible pitfalls of doing what you did, have made me question my initial response just as they did you op, however I would have done the same as you.

I'm glad in retrospect, that you believe you did the right thing.

@U2HasTheEdge Seriously, for what other reason is there to 'ignore' a woman asking about a possible cheating man, for the DP to say that? Bro code is the only thing I can possibly think of. There is no other reason.

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all. It must have taken a lot for her to message you.

I was seeing a man for a few months, and it fizzled out and not long after he revealed that a woman he ‘had a fling with’ was 6 months pregnant. So she was pregnant the whole time we were seeing one another, but they weren’t together, or so he said.

This woman then messaged me as she had seen a photo of us on SM To ask if something was going on with us because they had been in a relationship for years (not a fling!) and I told her everything. I debated denying it to ‘stay out of it’ but just couldn’t. She was pregnant and all the signs were pointing to him being unfaithful but he was making her feel crazy and it just wasn’t fair. It turned out I wasn’t the only one either. I am glad I told her because she finally had evidence to end it, and I’m told she is much happier now. She thanked me too.

My ex before that cheated on me, and left me for her and I often wish I had the balls to have messaged this girl earlier to find out if something was going on and spared myself months of driving myself nuts.

@arethereanyleftatall I think you are being way over-dramatic, and quite desperate, to compare this to a child being requested to meet in the park. I mean, wtf? Your excuse also doesn't add up. So you be cynical all your life and choose to think the worst of people, and not help anyone? What a terrible attitude to take. The woman clearly knew more than enough for the OP to know she was genuine. Clearly not fake. That's common sense, surely? And do we not help anyone such as anyone who fell in public, because we don't know if they are good character?

If you are not a charitable person, just say so. Don't hide behind all this cynical bs. Most normal red-blooded humans would want to help out another human and not stop and think if they are fake, or look for any reason not to. It reflects more on you imo that your mind goes to that, rather than just do the human and decent thing, help.