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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum always asking for things

62 replies

Bananasplitsy · 09/05/2019 18:39

I have a friend at school who both DH and I are friends (more like acquaintances) with.
She is generally a nice person but does have a lot of issues, mental health, financial, problems with the fathers of her children, etc. I've always been polite and kind but tried to not get too involved too much as she has tended to over-involve me in the past with her problems.
I have given her clothes and toys for her children as I know that she struggles. I have also been helping her with holiday childcare, even though it has meant me working around it in the evenings, etc to accommodate this.

Anyway, I've had a problem lately with her asking for more and more. It's got to the point where I have remained polite but have toned things down by subtlety avoiding her at school and on social media/messaging. It's got to be such a problem (at one point she was asking for money) that I want to speak to a staff member at school about it. The problem is that my DH doesn't know about any of this and so is still being friendly, liking her posts on Facebook etc. I feel like I can't make a complaint as it will look like we're encouraging it by being so friendly.

I feel stuck and don't know how to handle it.

I haven't told dh as he would say I was overeacting and tell me not to tell anyone/ask for help.

I don't want to be a bad friend but i hate going to school now and it is putting slot of pressure on me. Sad

OP posts:
WhatOnPlanetEarth · 09/05/2019 18:47

She’s asking you for money and you’ve been adjusting work for her. Why would DH say you are over-reacting?
She’s affecting your own family

PirateWeasel · 09/05/2019 18:50

I would redirect all her messages to your DH. I bet he'd quickly come round to your way of thinking then!

Rainbowshine · 09/05/2019 18:52

I don’t think that school would do anything as it’s two adults and has nothing to do with them.

titchy · 09/05/2019 18:53

What do you expect school to do Confused

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 09/05/2019 18:54

You can't involve the school in this - it's none of their concern.

Original poster
Bananasplitsy · 09/05/2019 18:55

I don't expect school to do anything - I'm not doing it to get her in trouble. I just wondered if they could point her in the direction of someone or an organisation that could.

OP posts:
RainbowWaffles · 09/05/2019 18:57

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell DH just because he would advise you not to ask anyone for help. This doesn’t make sense. Surely you can tell him to ask HIM for his help and support? He should be your go to here. It isn’t the school’s job to assist you in enforcing appropriate boundaries within your private relationship with another parent. Who else might you ‘complain’ to? It really isn’t a matter for any third party. Your DH would be quite correct in telling you to deal with it yourself, but he can provide you with the necessary support.

DonPablo · 09/05/2019 18:58

School can't help, surely? The solution to this problem is being honest with your dh and honest with her.

Tell her that you don't loan money, and that you're no longer able to help with childcare in the holidays because of your work commitments. And then back right off.

Things like this are shit. But you've got the power to change the situation, you just have to be honest and endure a difficult conversation. Flowers

fedup21 · 09/05/2019 19:00

You can make the school aware but I doubt there’s much they can do.

I really don’t understand though, why you’re being asked for money and having to rearrange your work schedule but you HAVEN’T told your DH?! Why?!

Original poster
Bananasplitsy · 09/05/2019 19:01

I find things like this difficult because I'm very quiet and people can take advantage of that because I don't say no.

I have backed right off, as I said, but with DH still being friendly, it makes things difficult. The reason I haven't told him is that I think he would make out that I was being silly.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/05/2019 19:02

I don't really understand why you aren't telling your husband. Seems like a lot of this could be fixed by communication with your own spouse.
This isn't the school's responsibility to fix - they are your children's teachers, not yours. And they aren't social workers either. Fine to contact them if you think her DC are in some kind of need, but otherwise, no.
It wouldn't hurt to be a bit more direct with this woman either and tell her that you cannot help her financially or with whatever else you don't want to do. Maybe point her in the direction of her health visitor if she needs advice.

Original poster
Bananasplitsy · 09/05/2019 19:02

fedup He knows about the rearranging work as he was the one who suggested it. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananasplitsy · 09/05/2019 19:04

This is the problem - I have backed off but dh is still being overly nice which sends her mixed messages.

OP posts:
DonnaDarko · 09/05/2019 19:05

To be perfectly blunt, I wouldn't do that much for a close friend let along someone I only refer to as an acquaintance. She saw you coming! And that's why she keeps asking for more because you're not saying no enough, it's nothing to do with lack of knowledge of services.

MissBPotter · 09/05/2019 19:05

You need to tell your dh to stop engaging with her and explain that she’s pestering you, asking for money and making you feel uncomfortable.

I think it’s right to tell the school as if she’s that hard up there may be a problem looking after her dc. Maybe not but you never know. I think try to ignore her as much as possible but politely and firmly turn down requests you are not happy with e.g ‘no that’s not possible’ ‘no will not be mending you £x’.

hazell42 · 09/05/2019 19:07

You absolutely cannot ask the school to get involved because you are too chicken to tell her where to get off. They have enough trouble sorting out kids squabbles without doing it for the grown ups too.
Tell her, I'm sorry, but I'm no longer in a position to help you. I hope you can get it sorted
Dont elaborate, and dont lie.
You have always helped her and you have become her go to person. By 'subtly witydrawing' you have not addressed the issue. My guess is she barely even noticed.
Tell her now. You dont have to be unkind about it, and in fairness to her, if you have never said you are unhappy with it she will not have worked it out for herself because, as you say, she has problems of her own and hasnt spared the brain power to work out what your hang ups are.
I mean this kindly, but sucking it up til you cant stand it any more is not a good way to sort things. You will lose a friend and it won't be entirely her fault

EssentialHummus · 09/05/2019 19:08

You need to sort this with DH first, otherwise even someone not trying to take advantage of you would get mixed messages.

rosequartz10 · 09/05/2019 19:09

Your school has enough to deal with, without getting involved in this, between 2 adults! Schools are there to educate children... you will be met with bemusement by staff as to why this is any of their concern...

HomeMadeMadness · 09/05/2019 19:10

I don't think you can involve school unless you have concerns about the children's safety. I don't see why you can't just tell DH what she's been asking for and get him on side.

Fairenuff · 09/05/2019 19:10

I think your dh has a soft spot for her.

MissMollyMoon · 09/05/2019 19:11

You need to talk to your DH. You also need to be straight with her. The only way this will stop is if you are direct about it. I don’t see how the school could help you, it’s not their place really. I’m a lot like you as I find it very hard to say no to people but sometimes the only way out is through. Send her a text and tell her you can’t help her anymore and that you need to keep your distance from her. It needs to be done.

janetforpresident · 09/05/2019 19:11

Tell your DH that you don't want to be as friendly with her anymore for the reasons you have given. If he says you are overreacting then that's his opinion but make it clear that all her demands and requests are going to be redirected to him from now on and continue to avoid. Let him deal with it.

bigbadbadger · 09/05/2019 19:14

Does your DH think you should be helping her? If so why? If not why cant you tell him?
You need to learn to say no. I am very quiet but not a mug, just say "Sorry, I can't do that". If your DH think you should tell her to ask him directly and let him rearrange his day.

Fucket · 09/05/2019 19:14

You need to find some inner assertiveness. Speak to your husband, then continue to be polite to your friend but don’t agree to anything.

Don’t speak to the school, that will do nothing but make you guys look a bit ridiculous.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2019 19:16

It’s interesting that your dh is volunteering you to do the donkey work and change your life around for this woman. Maybe he likes to look selfless and generous to others with no effort or perhaps he’s a walk over or maybe even there is an ulterior motive - for example he fancies her. I’d definitely be telling him about the money and be passing all the messages to him now and monitoring. He’s also not your boss so next time if she wants childcare at an inconvenient time, he can work around her instead.