Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

School mum always asking for things

62 replies

Bananasplitsy · 09/05/2019 18:39

I have a friend at school who both DH and I are friends (more like acquaintances) with.
She is generally a nice person but does have a lot of issues, mental health, financial, problems with the fathers of her children, etc. I've always been polite and kind but tried to not get too involved too much as she has tended to over-involve me in the past with her problems.
I have given her clothes and toys for her children as I know that she struggles. I have also been helping her with holiday childcare, even though it has meant me working around it in the evenings, etc to accommodate this.

Anyway, I've had a problem lately with her asking for more and more. It's got to the point where I have remained polite but have toned things down by subtlety avoiding her at school and on social media/messaging. It's got to be such a problem (at one point she was asking for money) that I want to speak to a staff member at school about it. The problem is that my DH doesn't know about any of this and so is still being friendly, liking her posts on Facebook etc. I feel like I can't make a complaint as it will look like we're encouraging it by being so friendly.

I feel stuck and don't know how to handle it.

I haven't told dh as he would say I was overeacting and tell me not to tell anyone/ask for help.

I don't want to be a bad friend but i hate going to school now and it is putting slot of pressure on me.

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 09/05/2019 19:16

The prpbl is that you wont communicate with your dh.

ChicCroissant · 09/05/2019 19:18

You can't expect the school to step in with support because you can't speak to your DH! Just tell her - and him - no more.

sprouts21 · 09/05/2019 19:19

He knows about the rearranging work as he was the one who suggested it

Thats ridiculous. You should have told him hem both No. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks, if he's so keen to help he can mind her kids and rearrange his own work round her.

IHaveNoIdeaReally · 09/05/2019 19:20

You need to talk to your DH about it.

HappyLife21 · 09/05/2019 19:20

You’ve got to start by telling your husband.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 19:20

Just say no to her requests.I don’t understand why you’re not telling your dh?
This is isn’t a school matter.thet can’t intervene in every school gate debacle
School has enough drama with the kids without factoring in the parental histrionics

BumbleBeee69 · 09/05/2019 19:21

I'd be telling my DH before telling the ruddy school, that's for sure..

and she's ripping the piss OPP.. tell her to get lost

Beautiful3 · 09/05/2019 19:22

I came acoss a mum like this at our school. She has mental health problems and was always asking for advice, play dates at mine and spare clothes etc. It got worse. I realised that for my own preservation, I had stopped talking to her on social media and avoided her text messages.I still say hi when i see her in passing but wouldnt stand and chat. We are not really friendly any more. Shes moved onto another mum now. I honestly feel a million times better. Put yourself first. Tell her your boss won't allow you to change your hours in the holidays anymore. Also stop lending money, say you're strapped for cash. She shouldn't question it.

Missingstreetlife · 09/05/2019 19:23

Read Ann Dixon a woman's in your own right.
People are not mind readers, if you don't tell them they won't know.
Tell dh. Tell friend you can't help anymore, give deadline for her to find other help. Don't lend money. Offer to help her talk to social services?

Springwalk · 09/05/2019 19:29

Be open with your dh and tell him everything that has happened and how hard you are finding managing her.

Then step completely away from her. Wave but don't stop and talk, have ready made excuses when she asks your help, tell her your work has stepped up and you won't be able to help her as much as before. Let your mobile go to voicemail rather than pick up. Don't reply to messages for days and when you do be non committal. I am not sure what we are doing yet etc.

Sorry I can't make it/pick up/lend you money. I hope you get it sorted soon. Will cover just about everything.

She will soon get the message. Be friendly and nice, but no more favours from now on. Be firm about this. She will keep pestering you for more and more unless you do this now.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 19:29

Offer to help her talk to social services? No,no do not get involved with any statutory agencies etc
It’s not op role to save or fix this woman.its already blurred bounds causing op angst.
Talk to social services, what’s that mean?make a referral?supprt for adult?children

cakeandchampagne · 09/05/2019 19:30

Let your husband know what’s going on.
If you want to do one last thing for her, spend a small amount of time looking up a few resources, give her the list and wish her luck.

Leeds2 · 09/05/2019 19:31

School will not be the slightest bit interested.

The best thing would be to discuss the situation honestly with DH, as you are right that you are sending mixed messages if he is being friendly with her on social media, and you are backing off.

Continue to back off, and advise DH to do the same. If he won't, let him deal with the fallout, and lend her money, rearrange his working hours etc. But make it clear to him that you will not be doing any of those things, and you will not be agreeing if he suggests to her that you do. If he arranges/suggests something, it will be his responsibility to fulfil, not yours. And refer any of her queries about it to him. He will soon get fed up.

PinaColadaPlease · 09/05/2019 19:34

It's bothering you enough to want to speak to school about it, so your husband should listen to how it's affecting you, even if he holds a different view. My husband would put my happiness above that of an acquaintance.

If this is what he expects, tell him to rearrange his own working life to accommodate her requests for childcare!

Erythronium · 09/05/2019 19:41

He knows about the rearranging work as he was the one who suggested it.

So have you been helping this woman because it's what your DH wants? He volunteered your time to help her. Why would he prioritise her over you like that? Why is he liking her social media posts and being friendly? You need to talk to him and tell him that she's taking advantage and that you're not going to continue accommodating her. If he tells you you're being silly then you have a problem with your DH. You still don't have to help her out though. She sounds like a user.

perfectstorm · 09/05/2019 19:43

If your DH is so worried about her struggles, he can rearrange his own work to accommodate helping her. Somehow, I doubt he'd go for that.

perfectstorm · 09/05/2019 19:45

@PinaColadaPlease x post!

OP I'd be more pissed off about DH than the other mother, TBH. It's disrespectful as can be.

Buffymum · 09/05/2019 19:45

Actually , I think it was good to mention it to school . Schools I am in a lot would probably find this info useful and they may be able to offer mum some support / signposting on .

Nomorepies · 09/05/2019 19:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

IvanaPee · 09/05/2019 19:47

Your problem is with your dh.

Why is he so invested in this woman?

Erythronium · 09/05/2019 19:47

If the woman needs help from the school or any other agency she can ask for it herself. She's not a child. She's able to ask the OP for help so she's clearly not incapable.

Namechange8471 · 09/05/2019 19:49

I think your dp may be having an affair with this woman..
Or trying to at least..

BrendasUmbrella · 09/05/2019 19:49

Have you had problems with your DH over this kind of thing before?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2019 19:50

Why can’t the woman google her local authority,google available support online
She’s quick enough to pipe up about money,free childcare.she can get on goggle
It’s not the op responsibility to signpost,support or find appropriate services

Haffdonga · 09/05/2019 20:00

Why haven't you told your dh?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread