Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family abroad

56 replies

WILLIAMSNC3105 · 08/05/2019 16:55

I want to know what everyone's thoughts are on family living abroad and how often they should visit. I have a brother living in Canada. He has no children yet but is married. He's lived out there for around 10 years now. Early on after his move he came back each year but in recent times this has reduced. The last visit to the UK was 2 years ago and that was for about 5 days. My family visited my brother last year for a couple of weeks and this year my brother and his wife intend to holiday in Greece with a possible pitstop in the UK for just a day or two. They've asked if we are to visit them again next year. They don't seem to care too greatly about spending time in the UK which is upsetting given my family care a lot about them. My toddler knows who they are from photos and Skype calls and it would be lovely if they could just visit once a year or at least every other year for a week or so. The financial cost of taking a family and our parents to Canada are greater than 2 adults visiting the UK. They don't seem to acknowledge this. They also seem to feel Skype is kind of an ok substitute for not seeing one another. I find it hard to accept that we're expected to travel there to see them if the alternative is to not see them in person for years at a time. What would other people do?

OP posts:
SunshineSpring · 08/05/2019 17:01

It is a very difficult balancing act to perfect.

If you go "home" every year, your holiday is 2 weeks of visiting people, staying in spare rooms, and going to less that amazing (in our case, anyway) parts of the UK. We come back absolutely knackered, and needing a holiday.
If you actually go on a holiday, and either do what you enjoy, or just sit by a pool and do nothing for 2 weeks except recharge your batteries, you are accused of not caring - but just doing nothing sometimes is essential to keep your own relationship going.

There is no right way. It is impossible to keep everyone happy (unless you get a crazy amount of holiday, and have a massive salary to allow you to use it flying round the world!)

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 08/05/2019 17:05

Actually I think YABU. Maybe they don't have lots of leave/money and want to go on holiday elsewhere. Since they don't have dc their priorities will be different. I think Skype is a reasonable (and cheap) way of staying in touch. Possibly it doesn't replace actually visiting in person but I don't think their being unreasonable.

I have relations that live in Canada and they holiday all over Europe. We're more than welcome to join them but they're not wasting their limited time and money to make a pit stop unless it's a very important occasion.

eightoclock · 08/05/2019 17:06

It's up them how often they visit. It's up to you if you want to visit them.
I think people who move to Canada from the UK are probably not that bothered about seeing family otherwise they wouldn't move there. You will have to accept that if you want to see them more often than they want to come to the UK, you will have to go there. A meeting most years in some location whether here, there or a mutually convenient location seems about the most you can expect. Expecting them to always have a UK holiday each year is not reasonable

Pipandmum · 08/05/2019 17:12

Yes agree with other posters it’s up to them if they want to visit and how often.

mbosnz · 08/05/2019 17:13

I have one sister who lives in Australia when we were home in NZ, that we didn't see for 20 years, not since the death of our father, to her mother's landmark birthday. Another sister in Australia that we'd see every year - if someone helped fund it. Otherwise it could be several years between visits. We're looking at going back every two years to NZ, and for around four weeks.

mbosnz · 08/05/2019 17:15

But it's very much down to personal circumstances and proclivities. Being a tad sexist here, but I do notice my nephews who are in Australia don't feel the need to visit back to NZ as often. . .and when they do, it's often motivated by getting together with 'da boyz man', rather than to see the family!

WeeDangerousSpike · 08/05/2019 17:22

What holiday entitlement do they get in Canada? I know in the US it's bloody infintesimal. TBH I wouldn't want to use all of my holiday entitlement visiting family and sitting in great aunt Mary's sitting room when I could be on a beach in Greece.

WeeDangerousSpike · 08/05/2019 17:25

I've just googled. It's minimum 4% which is 2 weeks. I'm not surprised they don't want to use it for anything but a real holiday.

roisinagusniamh · 08/05/2019 17:32

I think it shows that he is settled and happy in his life abroad.
I am Irish living in England , which is very close and easy to pop there and back . But I only go once a year because I don't miss it and there are lots of places I want to holiday in.
Rellies visit us lots .

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 08/05/2019 17:37

If you go "home" every year, your holiday is 2 weeks of visiting people, staying in spare rooms, and going to less that amazing (in our case, anyway) parts of the UK. We come back absolutely knackered, and needing a holiday.
If you actually go on a holiday, and either do what you enjoy, or just sit by a pool and do nothing for 2 weeks except recharge your batteries, you are accused of not caring - but just doing nothing sometimes is essential to keep your own relationship going

This, with knobs on. Fortunately my family totally understand and don't 'expect' anything of us. We usually go back every couple of years.

DM has visited, my Dsis can't afford it. Had 2 other rellies come out once each. Been here nearly 15 yrs. It's fine. I don't expect them all to visit us. We cram 'em all in when we go back Grin

anothernotherone · 08/05/2019 17:45

There's no "should" about it. There are no laws compelling people to spend their holiday allowance and budget in a set way, and visiting family isn't any sort of a holiday in most cases.

agnurse · 08/05/2019 17:49

We live in Canada and Hubby's family are in the UK. We have visited twice in the 8 years that we've been married.

Flights to the UK from Canada are not cheap - it's ~L2000 or so to fly. We usually stay for two weeks. That's my husband's entire holiday time. (In Canada, your employer is required by law to give you two weeks vacation. If you've worked for a certain number of years, it's three weeks. That's it. Now, granted, some employers give more - I, as an academic, get about 13 weeks - but that's not a legal requirement.) Keep in mind that it is also a 9-hour flight from western Canada to the UK, and a 9-hour flight home. That means you effectively have to allow an entire day each way for travelling time.

TixieLix · 08/05/2019 17:56

I wouldn't marry someone if it was conditional that I had to spend my holidays visiting his family in his home country every year, or every other year come to that. It wouldn't be a relaxing holiday and maybe they want to see more of the world. I'd assume it was something they discussed and agreed upon before they wed.

Chickenwing · 08/05/2019 18:04

YABU, if you want to see them you can arrange to visit them. They are not obliged to come back to UK to visit and I certainly wouldnt want to waste money and annual leave on going to the UK if I lived in Canada.

OneStepSideways · 08/05/2019 18:13

Perhaps his wife doesn't want to! Visiting wet gloomy England to stay with your in laws is hardly a holiday for her.
I'm guessing they want a real holiday as a couple, where they can just relax and not worry about meeting other people's expectations. Or they don't want to get into a routine of yearly visits as once they have kids, the yearly long haul flights could become an expensive stressful nightmare.

Why don't you all arrange to go to a holiday resort together, somewhere in between and family friendly? Greece/Spain/Italy etc are all short flights from the U.K.

agnurse · 08/05/2019 18:47

OneStepSideways

Actually, I am from Canad and I happen to LIKE the UK! That said, we don't stay with ILs - their home doesn't have space. We find a nice hotel that isn't too expensive and stay there.

We don't do annual visits, though - we have been twice in the 8 years we've been married.

b0bb1n · 08/05/2019 18:52

My parents have lived abroad for over 13 years and it's not as far away as Canada, there have been times they haven't come to the UK for 3 years. It's not because they don't miss us or want to see us. They can't really afford more than once a year so usually try to save their visit for something important like weddings, births, funerals, emergencies etc that might crop up.

filka · 08/05/2019 19:35

Perhaps you could organise a joint holiday somewhere in Europe that they wanted to go - maybe book a villa. Not so expensive for you compared to going to Canada, still a holiday for them (and you).

reluctantbrit · 08/05/2019 19:47

Visiting family is not a holiday, you have no privacy, no real room to spread out, you don’t have lots to talk about as you don’t share the same life anymore. You may have lost contact with friends.

If i have the time and money to go on holiday i may stop over, maybe spend some days but my holiday will be somewhere else.

Also, it is not home anymore, home is for them in Canada.

I am where your brother is, difference we are in England and family is in Germany, so it is a bit easier. But I have to pay a small fortune for flight, car rental, accommodation and it is absolutely exhausting.

We skype a lot, DD sees the family maybe once a year but it is a close bond, as close as a pre teen allows it to be.

Crankybitch · 08/05/2019 19:58

We live abroad - one way we found was to find a place we all liked to visit and all meet there - then everyone gets to meet up and have a holiday as well

kenandbarbie · 08/05/2019 20:17

Yeah I agree with everyone else! It's not a holiday for them having to visit everyone when they're back. Book a holiday with them somewhere in Europe so the cost is shared, they get a proper holiday and you all get to see just the important people not the hangers on.

choli · 08/05/2019 20:48

It's a big assumption that they can afford, let alone want, to visit the UK every year. Why should the expense always be on their side?

Expressedways · 08/05/2019 20:52

I live in the US and try to get family to visit me where possible because my holiday entitlement is terrible. If I go home for a week then 50% of it is gone. It’s a tough balancing act I don’t think they’re obliged to visit you and more than you are to visit them. How about suggesting joint a holiday so that they get a proper holiday and you also get to see them?

Xyzzzzz · 08/05/2019 20:53

You are being unreasonable. As mentioned above it’s not a holiday having to spend time with family every year without fail. How many threads do we see where the woman has to spend annual leave with in laws in their home country.

I have relatives in Canada and enjoy going it’s a lot bigger than the uk and there’s more to see and do imo.

agnurse · 08/05/2019 20:59

Xyzzzzz

This is very true. Fun fact: Signal Hill, in St. John's, Nfld, is actually closer to LONDON than it is to Vancouver - and the latter is in the same country!

Where I live, in western Canada, there are gorgeous mountains, beautiful forests, and even semi-deserts! Hubby and I make it a point to try to go to the mountains at least once every summer.

The big thing that the UK has that we don't is the amount of history still visible. Canada's Indigenous peoples have been living here for about 4,000 years, but sadly much of that history has been lost due to the effect of colonialism. (For example, "old" in Canada is anything over about 100 years or so. "Historic" houses are usually about that old.) In the UK and in Europe in general, some buildings are over a THOUSAND years old - and they're still standing!

OP, you might see if it's a possibility to visit them in Canada.