Family abroad

[WILLIAMSNC3105]

I want to know what everyone's thoughts are on family living abroad and how often they should visit. I have a brother living in Canada. He has no children yet but is married. He's lived out there for around 10 years now. Early on after his move he came back each year but in recent times this has reduced. The last visit to the UK was 2 years ago and that was for about 5 days. My family visited my brother last year for a couple of weeks and this year my brother and his wife intend to holiday in Greece with a possible pitstop in the UK for just a day or two. They've asked if we are to visit them again next year. They don't seem to care too greatly about spending time in the UK which is upsetting given my family care a lot about them. My toddler knows who they are from photos and Skype calls and it would be lovely if they could just visit once a year or at least every other year for a week or so. The financial cost of taking a family and our parents to Canada are greater than 2 adults visiting the UK. They don't seem to acknowledge this. They also seem to feel Skype is kind of an ok substitute for not seeing one another. I find it hard to accept that we're expected to travel there to see them if the alternative is to not see them in person for years at a time. What would other people do?

You just have to accept that’s how it is. My DH is from a shitty northern town, no way am I spending my holidays there. Last we came to the Uk we met them in Cornwall (we pAid for cottage). I only average going home myself to a different country every 6 years. None of my family have bothered to visit me. I love travelling and seeing new places, I don’t want to have to travel ‘home’ All the time. Last time I was home I had a month and said I’d be in x town (3 kids in tow) if you want to see me. Not many bothered, still expected me to travel to them. Nah, stuff that.

and besides, we never seem to have enough funds for holidays. Flights are so expensive from where we live

Being someone who has left their home country and settled down in a new place I can tell you that it's definitely not a holiday to go visit family. It's a pain and I avoid it when I can. The longer you're away the less connected you are to your hometown as well so going back isn't that great. I'd rather spend my time exploring new places with my partner as we love to travel and not sitting on my parents couch or going from one distant relative to another.

Is it an option for you all to travel abroad together? (Or is there a desire to?) That way everyone gets to catch up but also gets to have a holiday in a foreign country - which as many people have pointed out is much more desirable than trudging around your home town.

Maybe you could visit him on your own sometimes

Maybe its down to how much holiday time they get at work. We are in BC and my Dh &,I only get 3 wks leave. That means if we go home that is the only vacation we get all year. We have been here 10yrs used to go home every year but now we have 4 kids so its really not doable. You & your parents could go to them, rent a place and all have a break together . I tried to arrange this with my inlaws for next Christmas (2020). They all gave various reasons why they dont want to which is fair enough I'm a little hurt but I'll get over it. Just means we wont see them for at least 2 yrs.

If I moved from the gloomy UK, I wouldn't bother going back much either

Yabu. We lived abroad for many years and only went back home every 2/3 years. We didnt have DC then and all we wanted to do was travel and use our leave wisely. A two week visit back home wasn't by any means relaxing or a holiday. There was two sets of family that we needed to fit in, siblings at different stages of their lives, lots of travelling to everyone and honestly not much extra catching up that we couldnt have done over Skype.
Then things changed and we had kids and we wanted to spend holidays and leave around family time. So visits became less. We contributed to family members coming over and experiencing a different country and sights.

It Had nothing to do with not wanting to be with our family. We just wanted to explore and make the most of our time.
With Skype and the ease of video calling these days what are you really missing out on. A visit every 3 years or so is just more than enough.

I think it’s entirely up to them, you can’t force them. I’m Irish and lived in the U.K. for years and I came over and back no bother as did family come over to me. When I lived further abroad it was obviously harder. Now I’m back in Ireland and out of hubbys family (U.K.) only his parents have come over. His siblings seem to think we’re in Timbuktu (although it was different when we lived in U.K. and I could get home “soooo easily” A’s they said) 🙄.

I also think ppl think that just because you live abroad that money is not an issue for you and normal life rules don’t apply for some unbeknownst reason. Ermmmm no life is the exact same just different country!! Same rent/mortgage commitments, work holidays, school terms to go by etc etc. According to SIL they just can’t get over to us because they are sooo busy but obviously we live in cloud fucking cuckoo land and have loads of free time!!

YABVU.
I think they have been back loads in a relatively short time.

It costs not only a considerable amount of money, but also time to travel across the Atlantic each year. Unless you are very wealthy and have a lot more than the average amount of holiday, then I would have though most ex pats keep their visits for special family occasions.

It isn't easy to just come home to visit. Some countries get a lot less holiday leave... my husband gets 10 days a year. So he hasn't been able to return to England since we moved to the States 13 years ago. Every time I returned with my kids it meant a 2 month stay, because every time I leave America I have to apply for a new return visa (this is different from our right to live in States, which is renewed every year or two and can be done by mail... it requires an appointment at the USA embassy in London that takes a few weeks wait to get, then 6 weeks for the visa to be granted). So to go home to the UK requires us to he separated 2 months, pay about $2,500 for flights and stay with relatives for months in the UK. I love my family dearly and miss them heaps, but several months will wear on anyone's nerves living under someone else's roof and house rules and habits.

I travelled home twice in 13 years. I missed my grandparents dying and their funerals, and my sister's wedding and nephew's birth. I miss every xmas and birthday.

Obviously in an ideal world I would travel over frequently and it wouldn't be a huge deal. Instead, my sisters would come and visit every year or two, until one married and had her first child. Now it is too expensive for them to come to visit. My mum has only visited once in 13 years, and then only because she thought my son was dying (he pulled through).

Missing people sucks and is just a fact of the life choice of moving abroad. Skype and whats app are great for keeping the relationships close anyway. A holiday every few years is great if it can be arranged, but realistically it is tough.

I don't think there is any should in this example. The family overseas will have to look at money, time, holiday allowance, activities, relaxation and family connections when trying to work out what to do with their breaks.
Seeing family can be great.
A whole family squashed in a relatives house for a week maybe not as relaxing as a Greek hotel holiday.
Parents may want dc to see more of the world than just the small part their parents came from.
Skype, WhatsApp etc are great.

I moved from the US and we try to go back once a year, but it is draining. Definitely not a holiday! I’d love to show my husband other places in the US, but we go to visit family so don’t have time for anything else.

I’m lucky that I have a few family members willing to visit us, and I try to show appreciation for that. My parents met us in Europe and we all went on a cruise together which was fantastic.

The truth is, one of the reasons I was willing to leave is that I wasn’t really a priority to my siblings when I was there. People make less of an effort when they can get away with it. It’s unfortunate that it’s taken me moving so far away for them to realize that they’d like to spend more time with me! I didn’t move away to make this point, but it made me realize I didn’t have to stay, either.

They ANBU for not wanting to visit as much as you personally would like them to. They have a life in Canada, he probably emigrated because he wasn't that fussed about remaining in the UK, why would he want to spend his holiday and money visiting?

You'll have to let it go and except the relationship they are willing to have with you...

Accept the relationship not except!!!! I always confuse those two words!

In this situation I have been your brother, your brother's wife, and you, at different times in my life!

I'm currently in the same position as your brother's wife - DHs family puts a great deal of pressure on us to go back every year - in fact, in the past they've hinted that really it should be several times a year. And to be honest, like your brother by the sounds of it, we got fed up. We work hard all year and we only get limited holiday. We want to spent that somewhere relaxing and enjoyable where we can spend time together and have fun with our kids. Going to visit family isn't a holiday. It's going from real life to real life. There is no break there, and no relaxing! Actually we end up helping out a lot. We have made the decision to start going a lot less (once every three years, and not for our whole holiday period like we used to - half our holiday will be an actual holiday and the other half with them ). We deserve a holiday too. SIL actually mentions her new baby a lot when trying to pressure us to come back more and while we are fond of the baby, he's not our baby therefore I can't help but feel he's not a reason to sacrifice our family down-time each year. Going to another country just to sit in someone else's house and coo at their baby for two weeks isn't really my idea of fun, and while it's a nice idea for cousins to be close it's not really our number one priority in life above spending time together as a family. In laws are welcome to visit us but never bother and it does annoy me that it's us expected to spend all our money and use up all our holiday time each year to go to their house.

When I was in your brother's situation I think I went home once every 3 years as well. I felt like, what's the point of having this experience living and working away if I'm just going to fly home all the time?

My brother lives away, and I'd not dream of expecting him to spend all his money and time coming to visit. Long haul flights aren't cheap and like I said, going home to sit in someone else's house isn't really fun for more than a couple of days. He deserves his free time as much as I do and we are lucky to be alive in a time when social media and Skype etc means that you are never far apart from anyone, regardless of where you are physically located.

In summary - YABU!

I also think YABU, I have lived abroad for the last 7 years, in different countries and I think my mum came to visit me once, my stepdad and siblings twice, and I did a trip abroad with my gran last year. In those 7 years I have come home once or twice a year, which is all I can afford and also as much as I actually want to go back. Going home isn't fun, sure it's nice to see people I haven't seen and I am excited to see my siblings but it's money I could spend going elsewhere and definitely not my definition of a holiday.

I know I can't expect people to come visit me as I have made the choice to go abroad but it is tiring that people in fact do expect me to continuously come back when they can't be bother to ever reciprocate.

I skype with some of my family members and I find it much more enjoyable than actually going home to talk to them in person, it's also cheaper and I can do it way more often.

Ideally, it would be nice to organize holiday abroad all together so we could meet up somewhere without either party compromising their holiday time. This year I have 2 weeks of holidays. So there is no way I can go home without making it my only "holiday" so I won't go home.
Instead I just book one of my siblings' flights ticket to come see me for a week in September, and while it won't be the same as being home it will hopefully be some quality bonding time without the earning/holiday time loss.

There is no should. We go back every 2 years. As others have said it only makes sense to go back for 3 weeks and that's most of our holidays used up and about $10k -15k

In addition it's exhausting. Some people feel it's their right to see you but won't travel themselves so we have to travel hundreds of miles around the UK to get to them. Other people will demand to see you but refuse to alter anything on their normal schedule for you so you have to make complicated arrangements around their children's football practice or 'we can't do Wednesday as that's the night we do the big shop'.

It's no holiday to go back and the UK is often so damn gloomy. We do it to see our friends and family but damn it's hard work. On the other hand when people come to us they get free accommodation with beach access in one of the most beautiful locations on earth with a guest car thrown in for good measure, on tap tour guides, meals cooked every night and a cellar of local wine.

You see each other as much as you can or want to, that’s it really. I moved abroad 8 years ago. I’ve been back to my home country 3 times in that time to see family, but 2 of those were also work trips. I’ve only gone once in 8 years with my dh and dc. It’s too far and too expensive.

My mum and stepdad, however, are wealthy by most people’s standards and retired. My mum visits us about 3 times a year, one of those with my stepdad. They have the time and money to do it. If they didn’t, we probably wouldn’t see them much.

Other people will demand to see you but refuse to alter anything on their normal schedule for you so you have to make complicated arrangements around their children's football practice or 'we can't do Wednesday as that's the night we do the big shop'

THIS!! This drives me insane!! Once we came over to visit family in the U.K. and we had to work around weekends that some of them had organised other activities like watching a friend in a park run...I mean ffs!! I was fuming!! We came over for 2 whole weeks and saw SIL twice for about 5 hours 🙄 and we had told them MONTHS in advance we were coming over. We had friends who made more time for us!!Never again will I be so stupid!!

I’ve not lived abroad but I have experienced the above. We live 5 hours from DHs family and no one makes the effort when we visit even if we give them lots of notice. ‘Oh we are free next week if you want to pop back up’. Or we are expected to do all the running around like we are an inconvenience and then they complain we don’t visit enough.

DH was offered a job in America. He was really excited and talked about really traveling around the US.
I pointed out that all his holiday leave every single year would be spent flying to his parents. He would never get a single day off for himself. And the other 11 months a year would be his family complaining about him not visiting. We didn’t go.

@Youngandfree it's maddening. On our first visit back my DH and best friend arranged weeks in advance to meet on Tuesday night. It got to Monday and DH excitedly messaged him re arrangements and he said 'oh I've got 5 aside that night, we had to move it as two of the guys had to babysit (sic) on Monday, can we move to Thursday'? DH said no as we leave Thursday. The response was 'oh dear, see you next time then'. I was livid. Miss the fucking football one bastard week to see your mate who's flown 12000 miles to see you!

One of my very good friends said she was totally free anytime. Just let her know. I messaged her re meeting the following Wednesday night. The response: 'oh I'm out with [friend from work she sees everyday] that night. It seems you are already booked up then, what a shame'.

The bloody implication being that you are the one being inflexible!!

I kind of get you

My siblings moved to 2 different countries to me (in UK) and have done for over 10 years. I also have family all over the UK who we go to visit. I feel like we spend all our holidays visiting family.

Yes, my siblings have been back to visit a bit, but I have also spent annual leave and money visiting them. We have had one holiday in ten years that was not spent visiting family and it wasn't my choice to move away.

Travelling to visit family abroad is not much of a holiday for me either as much as my siblings try to dress it up as such. I have seen all the local attractions, we are in still cramped in one room in their house (or pay £££ for the only local hotel) and they are at work most of the time we are there too.

I would also love to go to a resort and relax with time to ourselves. Their hometowns are not my choice of holiday destination and I feel we have missed out on going to explore other places.

My siblings make it very clear they don't enjoy visiting the UK like many of the posters here.
But some acknowledgment it works both ways and that I don't want to spend my leave going to their country again would be nice!

I think you are probably getting to that stage too OP and that's why it is frustrating. I have no real advice - just sympathy.

Perhaps you could organise a joint holiday somewhere in Europe that they wanted to go - maybe book a villa. Not so expensive for you compared to going to Canada, still a holiday for them (and you).

The perfect solution!

littlemiss what we have done is hire a holiday house in another state for a week and go on holiday with our family on their 3rd visit. Because they had already done all the tourist things where we live and although we give them the plane tickets they are still giving up their holiday time.
I thought this worked really well and will look to do it again.