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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel discarded and hurt

59 replies

Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 09:45

Don’t want to drip feed here so I’ll try to keep it short. A man in my life has been flirtatious, suggestive and at times overstepping the mark . Constant messaging . Him requesting photos, clean. Loose plans for the future etc. Comments and compliments and kindness. He has taken a great interest in me and my life . Never tried it on .we sometimes
Work together .
He met a woman .all casual and relaxed from his side. He enjoys this very much much and continues to enjoy life like before . He continues to flirt/ comment/ constantly message me / arranging trips and planning after work drinks. The inappropriateness of it all has come to a head for me and I feel discarded and hurt . Aibu to feel this or did I get over invested

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/05/2019 09:48

I don't understand why you feel discarded and hurt if his behaviour towards you is the same? Is it because he has a girlfriend and you wanted to be his girlfriend?

Omzlas · 08/05/2019 09:49

Are you in a relationship OP?

It does sound a bit like you did. That said, I understand why you did and why you feel hurt.

Geminijes · 08/05/2019 09:50

If he is still messaging you, arranging trips and drinks after work then why do you feel discarded?
Are you jealous because he has met another woman?

HomeMadeMadness · 08/05/2019 09:50

I'm a bit confused. So this guy was kind to you and flirty and you felt this was going to lead to a relationship but now he's seeing someone else. I can understand where you're coming from but if his behaviour to you had been going on for some time and never developed further I think that probably means it was just friendliness and flirting and so he's free to see other women. I can see why you feel a bit usurped though.

IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 09:51

What?

Gigglinghysterically · 08/05/2019 09:53

Does he just behave like this with everyone? His behaviour sounds quite off-putting to me.

His behaviour with you continues so maybe he is just a flirtatious friend?

Butchyrestingface · 08/05/2019 09:56

Don’t want to drip feed here so I’ll try to keep it short. A man in my life has been flirtatious, suggestive and at times overstepping the mark . Constant messaging . Him requesting photos, clean. Loose plans for the future etc. Comments and compliments and kindness. He has taken a great interest in me and my life . Never tried it on .we sometimes
work together

If he you and was serious about it, why didn’t he ask you out?

If you fancied him, why didn’t you ask him out?

Are you married?

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 10:03

Im trying to figure out how I feel about it all so thanks for your replies already . There is no way we could be together for many reasons . I enjoy his company,his friendship and the emotional closeness we share . I can’t be truthful and say I’m jealous because I’m not sure that I am.i possibly feelthreatened and he continues to contact/plan/flirt etc almost as if there is no woman on the scene. His messaging is suggestive still and daily. My instinct is to cut contact but I will miss him

OP posts:
Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 10:06

No he does not behave like this with anyone else

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 08/05/2019 10:07

I can’t find anything attractive in a man as you describe. He is getting off on your attention. A true friend wouldn’t flirt or be suggestive but would be a friend.
He doesn’t sound like much of a boyfriend either.

ChicCroissant · 08/05/2019 10:10

I think you must have been hoping you were in a relationship OP, because if nothing has changed then why do you feel it is different now?

ChicCroissant · 08/05/2019 10:11

Unless this is another variant on the Tina/Charlotte/Carl saga Grin

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 10:16

I think it's probably quite normal and natural to feel hurt. You sound like you were in some kind of emotionally attached relationship with this guy, even if it wasn't anything upfront or official, and he's now taken up with someone else. Maybe you only realised you actually liked him when this happened.

What he is showing you, however - very, very clearly, too - is that he's definitely not looking for anything committed. The fact that he's willing to keep messaging you while he's with this other person tells you loads about his character. It sounds like he's treating you as a kind of insurance policy, to be honest. You're worth more than that.

Missingstreetlife · 08/05/2019 10:17

He's a bit cheeky, the gf won't like it. Back off op and tone it right down, or nc if that's easier.

IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 10:19

Sounds to me like you’re married yourself OP.

ginghamtablecloths · 08/05/2019 10:21

It sounds like he's being flirtatious and keeping his options open. He doesn't want to be 'exclusive' so don't get invested at all as fidelity may well be a problem.

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 10:22

I know it wasn’t a relationship and would never want a full relationship with him but I feel discarded now that he actually has a girlfriend . Nothing has changed really . I’m so confused. Sorry if I am rambling . He behaves like a boyfriend not physically, but in every other way . I think I am sad it’s going to ebb away . There is no way a girlfriend is going to accept the level or intensity of our friendship in the future so I feel that I should protect myself and detach slowly q

OP posts:
Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 10:23

What is that saga???

OP posts:
Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 10:23

Not married

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/05/2019 10:29

Are you sure it's flirting op and not just teasing and having a laugh? Have you misinterpreted it a close friendship for something else?

He's never tried it on, and he's open about having a partner and dating, his behaviour hasn't changed, could you be reading more into this than he is?

Also are you sure what you're feeling isn't jealousy? Jealous he has someone else that he is dating? I have to be honest and say it sounds exactly like jealousy.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2019 10:30

It sounds like he's being flirtatious and keeping his options open

How is he keeping his options open if he's never so much as tried it on with the op? I'd understand your point if they had snogged or dated or something, but not when he's never even tried it on.

IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 10:32

If you’re single and he was single then he didn’t want to be with you.

You are probably misinterpreting friendliness because you like him.

Time to move on.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2019 10:35

He behaves like a boyfriend not physically, but in every other way

Isn't a boyfriend, without the physical,without the romance, simply a friend? Isn't the physical, the romance, what differentiates a boyfriend and a friend?

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 10:35

"He behaves like a boyfriend not physically, but in every other way"

Assuming you are single, it sounds like you're accepting the half attentions that you get in this half-relationship, rather than pursuing a full-blown and more rewarding relationship with someone else. Now that you've seen him doing the same with other women, you're forced to recognise it for what it is - a flirtation that's standing in the way of you actually moving on. Try to see this grief that you feel as a positive stage that you need to go through in order to have a more rewarding relationship.

If you are married, this is really a kind of emotional affair, and it's time to end it.

Kazzz65 · 08/05/2019 10:36

You're entitled to feel hurt, he flirted with you but he's also doing the same to others. Perhaps that's his way and he's trying to find someone he clicks with. I wouldn't take him seriously though as he sounds a bit shallow and flighty.