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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel discarded and hurt

59 replies

Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 09:45

Don’t want to drip feed here so I’ll try to keep it short. A man in my life has been flirtatious, suggestive and at times overstepping the mark . Constant messaging . Him requesting photos, clean. Loose plans for the future etc. Comments and compliments and kindness. He has taken a great interest in me and my life . Never tried it on .we sometimes
Work together .
He met a woman .all casual and relaxed from his side. He enjoys this very much much and continues to enjoy life like before . He continues to flirt/ comment/ constantly message me / arranging trips and planning after work drinks. The inappropriateness of it all has come to a head for me and I feel discarded and hurt . Aibu to feel this or did I get over invested

OP posts:
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 14:25

Ok thanks . You’re right

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/05/2019 17:12

I think op I'm going to remind you this man has never once tried it on with you.

For all the things that could be friendship or flirting, the key here is he has plenty of opportunity to try something with you and never once chose to do so. He doesn't seem to be a shy insecure character from what you're portraying, so this would indicate if he wanted to make a move he would absolutely have done so. He didn't.

You're portraying him like a man who chased you, like a boyfriend, but I think that's because that's how you saw him or wished to see him.

As such, I think you've maybe misconstrued a close friendship for him wanting to be romantically and physically involved with you, but you seem unable to articulate why he never went there, and why he's happy to tell you about his relationships with other women.

If you're missing something in your life that he was fulfilling, a partner basically, then it's best to focus on that. If you cannot be friends with him if he is in a relarionship, or if this has proven to you he doesn't wish a romantic relationship with you thenyoure right to pull away. If you can accept being good mates, and him being in a relarionship with someone else, then stay friends.

I think though for your own mental health it's better to pull back.

Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 19:28

Thanks bluntness. To be honest, it was me from the very beginning that said that nothing could or would ever happen in any other way than friends . For so many genuine and serious reasons. He did try to push boundaries .. testing the waters physically, some might say ... but never sexually . I really appreciate your words. They have given me a lot to think about. I never thought about him doing the same to his girlfriend but you are correct. He is doing the exact same thing to her . He is messaging me all day and evening and this is the pattern . I pull away, he chases for contact. I got cross about it one day and he promised to respect my wishes of minimal contact but was visibly upset saying he felt like we’re splitting up!! I was too weak to uphold my own boundaries .

OP posts:
EllenRachel · 08/05/2019 23:32

I've just been reading about narcissism and this really describes the 'friend' I had.

Good luck OP. It is tough. I finally cut all contact when I was going through a tough time after a break up and he was making it harder - I got annoyed, hung up and never spoke to him again. When I saw him we avoided eye contact.

Prdisaster · 09/05/2019 10:18

It is tough. It’s awkward as we are working together today and I am obviously avoiding him already. Messaging yesterday and last night and even first thing this morning has gone full on . I’ve ignored them all. He is a user though abduct seen it clearly from the responses on these posts . As for a narcissist, there are many familiar traits.
Have anyone ever heard of a Madonna/ whore complex and how it manifests ?

OP posts:
hell0mell0 · 09/05/2019 10:56

Yes Madonna Whore complex is pretty common in a patriachal culture. Women are either good girls or bad girls ... it's a big, red, flag if he behaves like that. Just tell him you want to reduce contact. (ignoring is not enough....that is just game playing).

Prdisaster · 09/05/2019 11:36

Should I actually say it straight out? How would I even broach it??
What’s behind that complex?

OP posts:
hell0mell0 · 09/05/2019 14:33

You could just respond to the overly friendly or frequent texts saying:

"I'm sorry I'm busy right now, I can't get into a text chat"

"I got your many messages, but I 'm sure you will understand that I can't spend the day responding to messages, please can we lighten up a little on the texting as it is too much for a light friendship"

"Please, only text if it's an emergency, I need to reduce my screen time"

"That's interesting, but I think perhaps something you should share with a romantic partner and not me"

"I feel that our communication is a little too frequent, I would not like your new romantic interest to view me as a rival, given our friednlship is purely plotonic, perhaps we should take a step back to assess boundaries"

hell0mell0 · 09/05/2019 14:34

Or just block.....he's just using you as an emotional crutch.

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