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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel discarded and hurt

59 replies

Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 09:45

Don’t want to drip feed here so I’ll try to keep it short. A man in my life has been flirtatious, suggestive and at times overstepping the mark . Constant messaging . Him requesting photos, clean. Loose plans for the future etc. Comments and compliments and kindness. He has taken a great interest in me and my life . Never tried it on .we sometimes
Work together .
He met a woman .all casual and relaxed from his side. He enjoys this very much much and continues to enjoy life like before . He continues to flirt/ comment/ constantly message me / arranging trips and planning after work drinks. The inappropriateness of it all has come to a head for me and I feel discarded and hurt . Aibu to feel this or did I get over invested

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 08/05/2019 10:39

Prdisaster you have low expectations and are prepared to accept second best. Be single for 18 months and work on developing yourself, your self esteem and boundaries.
Other people can't make you happy or fulfill you. Only you can do that.

EllenRachel · 08/05/2019 10:39

I had a 'friend' like that once, now I see he enjoyed the attention and having that person to call and text. I was being used. He continued it when he was seeing someone too. It was emotionally draining! I eventually totally cut contact and my life is better without him in as he wasn't a genuine friend.

This may not be what he's doing but sounds familiar.

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 10:44

I have often wonder have I misinterpreted friendliness . However the intensity of the conversation and level of contact is not anything like I have had with any friend, male or female before . The suggestive and personal
Compliments are not usual for friendship either . At least not in my friendships . We text from morning until night when we do not see eachother . When we are in the same building, we spend all our free time together and at social events, we stick together too. It is him he instigated the contact .
Thanks for letting me be totally honest with myself on here . I have not been able to make sense of it . Maybe i am jealous, but I don’t want him physically whatsoever . He will regularly tell me that I am all of these lovely things and I have been flattered . Maybe he is just trying to keep the attentions of me by keeping me on a hook. Either way I think I will try to move on and detach a little

OP posts:
Kazzz65 · 08/05/2019 10:47

I think it's the way these days, many people flirt, chats sends pics on the Internet but it's really only a way of seeing if there is a click or someone's your type. Don't take it too seriously or personally if he flits off somewhere else... Maybe he's not right for you, if he was he'd be with you x

Lifeisabeach09 · 08/05/2019 10:56

He was using you for his own attention-seeking needs.

Delete, block and move on.

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 10:57

@ellenrachel that sounds bang on. He never responds too well to being ignored but I know it’s the right thing to do. Essentially when he is not in her company, which in itself is rare enough,he is in contact with me , telling me he misses me and loves me . Now think hehasbeentalking through his ass

OP posts:
Thisaintphaedra · 08/05/2019 11:08

OP when you say making plans, have you actually been out together socially - not work related? And how do you know that the relationship he is having is relaxed on his side? Do you see them as a couple or is this just what he tells you/ you’ve picked up on?

Thisaintphaedra · 08/05/2019 11:10

Sorry - I know you have updated but I am still not clear about the socialising ? Do you actually go out together 1-2-1 just you and him? Dates ?

NorthEndGal · 08/05/2019 11:16

Wait, so all this is just work stuff?
Have you and he ever hung out , out side of work?

Or office husband as they are know colloquially? Someone you pal with all day at work, but not in real life, right?

hell0mell0 · 08/05/2019 11:25

He sounds like an emotional twat, I think he is basking in the attention from now two women. I think you need to tell him his contact is inappropriate now that he is in a romantic relationship with someone else.

Perhaps suggest he should direct his flirtatious and excessively loving attention to his girlfriend, as it is now inappropriate for you to be the recipient.

It all sounds very non-sensical.

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 11:38

Lunches, coffees, dinners, pub, concert, walks and talks .
He has taken an awful lot of effort to say how laid back and talked his relationship is. Taking it slow he calls it . His social
Circle is huge and involves travel, hobbies, friends occasions. She does not attend any with him . Sees her occasionally on his terms. All according to him of course . It’s tecently clicked with me that he is messaging me every night an day but not when he is with her.he turns his phone off for the hours he is with her .

OP posts:
RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 08/05/2019 11:50

I'm confused…

a) You don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him either?

b) You think he's being disrespectful by not being exclusive with his gf/You are letting down the sisterhood by being the recipient?

c) You don't want him to kick you to the kerb but nor do you want his attention unless it is consistent/platonic/with her permission-knowledge-blessing?

NorthEndGal · 08/05/2019 11:50

He sounds like a dick.
Stop making yourself so available to him. Seriously, just don't answer him for a few days, and give your brain a chance to see him for what he is.
Or allow you to recognize that it is less than you thought.

hell0mell0 · 08/05/2019 12:04

What exactly are you gettin gout of this?
What are you hoping to get out of this?
You are being used and disgarded, used to stroke his ego, and disgarded when he has someone else to do it.
Why are you bothering?

It's all unhealthy co-dependent nonsense, are you an enabler and is he a narcisist?

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 12:08

Thanks posters . I just know deep down that on a relationship, there should not be this level or intensity of contact nor should there be the content and the gushing and fawning that he has been doing. I don’t want trouble but I will miss him . I know I should cut ties but will have to be gradual and it will make me very sad . Maybe I am jealous that his attentions will be elsewhere from now on if he gets serious with his new woman .

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2019 12:08

Err or you could just have a relationship with him which is what you clearly want to do

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 12:11

A narcissicist??? I don’t know what a narcissist is. He is my friend that I thought highly of .
Maybe our contact became a habit that’s hard to break . I don’t want him romantically but I will miss him as a friend and the emotional closeness we share

OP posts:
Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 13:49

I just read up on narcissism . It seems that he would have several traits but masks the empathy part well at times . Sometimes thought the mask falls and you realise that he resally doesn’t give a toss about serious stuff . More important I read how to deal with a narcissist and it said , get rid of them essentially . Easier said than done in my situation. He doesn’t
Like being knocked off his perch

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 13:55

I’m so confused. You say you don’t want this man in a romantic way yet you say it’s easier said than done walking away?

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 13:58

Because when I distance myself for whatever reason.. holidays/ drained ; he will keep contacting me until it’s back to the normal way . Sorry if I am not clear . I am trying
To figure this out step by step. Thanks for taking the interest and for your advice

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 14:08

Ok...but what’s in it for you is what I’m asking.

He can’t force you to have more contact than you want.

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 14:12

I’ve enjoyed the emotional
Closeness that I don’t have with anybody else. The conversation, the fun, being made to feel special I guess.he keeps sending me messages until I give in and return .

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 14:22

Ah come on. You’re a grown woman. Take responsibility for your own actions. You responded because you wanted to.

It’s easy as pie to delete and block.

Original poster
Prdisaster · 08/05/2019 14:23

Not when you work together so much !!

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 14:24

Well yeah, it is.

At any point you could have pulled back from responding so much. Cooled off. Not answered flirtatious messages...

I’m not saying you had to or should have, in saying all this “oh he made me do it/he kept going till I gave in” is silly. You have to own your choices!