Whenever the discussion of double-barrelling names comes up, someone asks what the next generation will do. The most common solution I’ve heard is that when two people with double-barrelled names get married, they can simply drop one name each (i.e. Mr Harrison-Anderson and Ms Kaplinsky-Witherspoon might become the Harrison-Witherspoon family). However, if this ever becomes mainstream, I strongly suspect that we will eventually see a host of MN threads along these lines:
“My son is getting married and has decided to drop my name and keep his dad’s. I was the resident parent while he was growing up and his dad didn’t make much of an effort to see him or pay maintenance. AIBU to tell my son how hurt I am?”
“I’m getting married and I want to keep my mum’s name and drop my dad’s, because I’ve always been closer to her side of the family. However, my dad’s parents are upset with me because I’m their only grandchild. They pointed out that I have loads of cousins on my mum’s side whereas I’m their last chance to carry on the family name. I don’t want to fall out with them over this. Should I stick to my guns or just give in to keep the peace?”
“I thought I’d brought my sons up to see women as equals, but when they got married all three of them dropped my name and kept their dad’s. AIBU to be a bit peeved?”
“My dad died last year after a long illness. My daughter is getting married next month and has just told me that she wants to drop my name and keep her dad’s. I’m a bit taken aback by this, because it always seemed to me that she was very close to her grandpa. Her dad’s parents live far away and she didn’t see much of them growing up. AIBU to ask her why she’s so quick to drop her grandpa’s name just after he died?”
People might say that they will accept their children’s choices and won’t take them personally, but life isn’t always straightforward. It’s easy to say that if your kids are still young and you’re still with their other parent. As it is, children of divorce often already have to play piggy-in-the-middle well into adulthood (even at their own weddings – look at all the threads about step-parents wanting to sit at the top table). Adding the decision of which parents’ name to drop just seems unfair. And even if the parents are still together, there are lots of other scenarios in which choosing one name over another could cause problems in the family.
AIBU to think parents should be the ones to take responsibility for choosing a name? The other solution I’ve heard is for a couple to just pick a completely random new name when they get married, but I’m not sure many people would want to do that. I’m not familiar with any culture in the world that does so (although I’m happy to be corrected!). If the parents have different names, I think they should give the child the mother’s, as she’s statistically likelier to stick around. Plus, men have had the monopoly on surnames for so long, it seems fair to let women have a turn!