to think double-barrelling surnames is just pushing the decision onto your kids?

[Valanice1989]

Whenever the discussion of double-barrelling names comes up, someone asks what the next generation will do. The most common solution I’ve heard is that when two people with double-barrelled names get married, they can simply drop one name each (i.e. Mr Harrison-Anderson and Ms Kaplinsky-Witherspoon might become the Harrison-Witherspoon family). However, if this ever becomes mainstream, I strongly suspect that we will eventually see a host of MN threads along these lines:

“My son is getting married and has decided to drop my name and keep his dad’s. I was the resident parent while he was growing up and his dad didn’t make much of an effort to see him or pay maintenance. AIBU to tell my son how hurt I am?”

“I’m getting married and I want to keep my mum’s name and drop my dad’s, because I’ve always been closer to her side of the family. However, my dad’s parents are upset with me because I’m their only grandchild. They pointed out that I have loads of cousins on my mum’s side whereas I’m their last chance to carry on the family name. I don’t want to fall out with them over this. Should I stick to my guns or just give in to keep the peace?”

“I thought I’d brought my sons up to see women as equals, but when they got married all three of them dropped my name and kept their dad’s. AIBU to be a bit peeved?”

“My dad died last year after a long illness. My daughter is getting married next month and has just told me that she wants to drop my name and keep her dad’s. I’m a bit taken aback by this, because it always seemed to me that she was very close to her grandpa. Her dad’s parents live far away and she didn’t see much of them growing up. AIBU to ask her why she’s so quick to drop her grandpa’s name just after he died?”

People might say that they will accept their children’s choices and won’t take them personally, but life isn’t always straightforward. It’s easy to say that if your kids are still young and you’re still with their other parent. As it is, children of divorce often already have to play piggy-in-the-middle well into adulthood (even at their own weddings – look at all the threads about step-parents wanting to sit at the top table). Adding the decision of which parents’ name to drop just seems unfair. And even if the parents are still together, there are lots of other scenarios in which choosing one name over another could cause problems in the family.

AIBU to think parents should be the ones to take responsibility for choosing a name? The other solution I’ve heard is for a couple to just pick a completely random new name when they get married, but I’m not sure many people would want to do that. I’m not familiar with any culture in the world that does so (although I’m happy to be corrected!). If the parents have different names, I think they should give the child the mother’s, as she’s statistically likelier to stick around. Plus, men have had the monopoly on surnames for so long, it seems fair to let women have a turn!

There is sometimes family drama whenever someone changes their name (or doesn't when it's traditional to so), I don't think double-barrelled surnames are particularly unique in that or that it's any more pushing a decision onto kids than any other name people give their kids who have to live with it and then have the opportunity to decide as adults whether to keep them.

Where I grew up, it was normal for women to put their maiden name as an additional middle name and plenty of kids, particularly oldest boys, had their mother's maiden as their last middle name. I always thought this was just a paperwork-easier way of double-barrelling, some people used both spoken and written except on official stuff, if that makes sense, but as I changed all my names as an adult, I didn't bother with that tradition. There are other issues when we bring in other traditions into the English system - I know with some languages where the surname ending is different depending on the sex of the person with it there is sometimes drama and official issues when dealing with English-speaking countries.

I do wonder how in traditions like the Spanish where people don't tend to change names or I think Icelandic ones where the parents first names become their kids surnames how people who, for whatever reason, do want to get rid of the names their family gave them as I did would go about it without it being really obvious or handle what seems would be potentially additional layers of drama.

It is pretty standard where I am from, for DC to take only their father's name, double barrelled or not. Some DC when they become young adults make the decision to go with one of the names or both, if double barrelled. Girls rarely ever keep their names after marriage so most double barrelled names are from the father only.

Couples upon marriage should just pick a new name. Although it'd be a nightmare for anyone wanting to do their family tree.

I live in Portugal, they don't double barrel you just add surnames. They look horrified when I say the woman usually takes the mans name and loses hers. My kids have 3 surnames, mine then 2 of dads 1 from each of his parents. Usually the mans is last but they can use whatever they like. My father in law uses his mothers surname for business he likes it sounds professional and less common that his fathers. Some kids I teach have 4 plus surnames. They are very rarely all used unless registering for something.

I don't get why people get so worked up or even interested in it. Why isn't there so much debate on the fact that the majority of women still take their husband's name, based on the idea that we are passed from father's ownership to husband's? Certain people have had far more to say about the terrifying idea that my children may have to make a decision about their own name than they've had to say about friends taking their husband's names and showing their daughters that subservience in this matter is the norm. Get a grip - it's not something you need to concern yourself with, my children will cope!

My daughter was given her fathers surname on her birth certificate.
We weren't married.
He was abusive.
We split when she was 1
When she was 4 it was double-barrelled by deed poll.
It had nothing to do with making her choose and everything to do with the fact that it caused some issues raising a child solo who had a different surname (airport security was always drama, as well as the personal trauma i went through every time someone accidentally called my Mrs exsurname- schools, doctors etc)

Given the time again, having a child outside marriage I would insist on giving the child the maternal surname

For context it was double-barrelled as he wouldn't give me permission to just change it to mine- power play of abusive relationships.

When I got married, I chose to change my name to DHs surname, and any kids we have will have that. I never wanted double barrelled because although I loved my name and my the fact it came from my family, it was a long one and not suited to double-barrelling, and I really wanted my husband’s name. I also didn’t feel like I needed to keep it to maintain a connection to my family. Still, I do like that the choice is there, and that people can do what they want with names. It’ll be nice when society stops judging for folks choices. When we have kids, they’ll have our shared surname, but it’ll be totally their choice what they do when they’re older. If they want my maiden name, they can have it. If they want to make up a new name when they marry, good for them.

I knew a guy who had his mum’s maiden name because his dad wasn’t around. Then his dad came into his life when he was 15, by which time his mum had remarried so he no longer shared a name with her. He married in his early 20s, choosing a double barrelled name made up of his dad’s surname (by this time they were really close and dad was forgiven) and new wife’s name. No one cared.

My DC has a double-barrelled name because one of the names is extremely common. My friends' with very common lastnames have had issues in the past with being confused with someone else over money and credit ratings, so I said to my DP that any children we have will have double-barrelled names to avoid it. We could have just given them mine but as he has another child I wanted them to have a name link to their half-sibling. I don't have name links to all my own half-siblings so have had some rather intrusive questioning from nosey adults as a child.

As far as we are concerned the children have enough names including firstnames to hopefully use at least one of them but if they dislike all the names given to them, they can choose their own.

I'm bemused that leaving the next generation to make their own decisions is seen as a problem.