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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DH said no?

92 replies

ThinkingFeeling · 07/05/2019 18:56

After lots of tests and years and years trying to conceive we've been offered IVF via the NHS.

DH has very low sperm count, I have very damaged tubes and a low egg reserve. Bad quality too. Also suspected endometriosis.

DH has said he's a flat 'no' to IVF because our chances of success are so low (confirmed by specialist) and he doesn't want to go through an unnatural conception. His opinion.

That's it then. I'll never be a mum. Please, no miracle 'it happened as soon as I stopped stressing' stories...I can't take it.

AIBU to be upset he's just a flat out 'no'? Even though it's the sensible rational choice. I love him, I wouldn't want to leave him. We have an amazing marriage. I never thought we'd be infertile. Maybe I just have to come to terms with it.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 07/05/2019 18:59

I would be upset too. Is adoption an option for you?

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/05/2019 19:03

How long has he known about this? Maybe he needs time to come to terms with the fact that you won’t be able to conceive naturally.

Kannet · 07/05/2019 19:05

Give him time to come to terms with it. Maybe ask him to read some information online. However if your odds really are very low, then so think about if you want to go ahead. I have had a lot of ivf and it's gruelling.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 07/05/2019 19:06

YANBU to be upset.
What is wrong with 'going through an unnatural conception' anyway.
Coping with the disappointment of failed IVF is horrible, but having done it I'm still glad we tried.
Maybe there is counselling available to help explore both your feelings because it has the potential to really drive a wedge between you.

Adoption is a very long and sometimes complicated process, the aim of which is to find families for children (who may have complex or unknown needs). The application process is hugely intrusive. It's not for everyone.

Whoops75 · 07/05/2019 19:07

I think he’s being unreasonable not doing one round. It’s not looking good but you’ll never move on with life wondering what if.

IVF isn’t unnatural, it’s assisted.

Good luck x

Sexnotgender · 07/05/2019 19:08

That must be heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.

Could you compromise on one round?

janetforpresident · 07/05/2019 19:11

Does he know how heartbroken you are?

HypatiaCade · 07/05/2019 19:13

You have every right to be upset, especially since you're the one who will go through the lion share of the procedure.

Will you be able to come back from this?

Original poster
ThinkingFeeling · 07/05/2019 19:17

He's a definite no; not even one round.

I completely agree IVF is simply assistance.

We have had couple counselling with Relate, we're both very good at communicating and his reasons are valid and perfectly understandable. He's very supportive, kind, and has been a rock.

I know there has to be an end point of trying, it's just hard to accept. Everything has been on hold for so long waiting to finally conceive, DH is ready to move on now and carve a different life. But I don't want to look back and think 'what if'.

Adoption isn't something I'd consider, at least not at the moment.

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 07/05/2019 19:20

I can see this from both sides.

I can understand that it’s upsetting that dh doesn’t want to try however you have been told that the chances are very low that presumably trying would be unlikely to lead to success anyway. And the reality is that everyone has their limits. Where for one person they wouldn’t want IVF someone else might not feel able to adopt, and someone else may. Not want donor conception. No-one is actually wrong for having their own personal limits and their own reasons for those limits.

When i was ttc a second child IVF was talked about as a possibility. However I didn’t personally want to go through IVF and the idea of going through just one cycle had its own drawbacks for me in so far as that let’s say you agreed to one cycle but had enough embrio’s that some could be frozen, I wasn’t sure that I could then agree to destroy those embrio’s on the basis I’d agreed to just one cycle iyswim, and so for me it was far more straightforward to just say a flat-out no. I did have one child already at the time however and I reconciled the fact that I had been lucky to have what I did, although having said that I wouldn’t have had IVF even if I’d had no children at the time.

Talk to him, but IMO neither of you is being unreasonable. IVF is a long and very emotional process, and even if you have good quality eggs and sperm the success rate is stil actually incredibly low, so with low odds on both sides it’s not something I would personally do.

Whoops75 · 07/05/2019 19:22

Would you consider using donor sperm?

Adoption is much harder than one round of IVF , has he any friend or sibling that might help mediate(give his head a wobble)

Dreamingofkfc · 07/05/2019 19:22

I'd be upset too. If you were me, I'd want to try. Sounds harsh but I wouldn't be able to stay with him if he wasn't prepared to try

JacquesHammer · 07/05/2019 19:22

How far down the line has he said “no”? Have you always been aware it’s his opinion or is it out of the blue?

JonSnowsFurCoat · 07/05/2019 19:22

Someone very close to me has been in this situation.

Maybe, given time, your dh will change his mind and decide he would like to give ivf a try. Maybe not.

You need to decide for yourself if you’re ok with that. 10 years from now, do you honestly think you won’t regret at least trying? This is something you will have to live with.

Will you resent him for not even trying?

bridgetreilly · 07/05/2019 19:23

You're definitely allowed to be upset. But also, I'm afraid, he is definitely allowed to say no. It would be unreasonable to force him into going ahead with IVF against his will.

I'm sorry, though.

JonSnowsFurCoat · 07/05/2019 19:23

Dreamingofkfc

Me either. This would be the beginning of the end for us, as I know I’d end up resenting him.

Whoops75 · 07/05/2019 19:25

I wouldn’t have had IVF even if I’d had no children at the time.

NoCauseRebel - I’m calling bullshit on this^ Statement. Having already had a child changes everything.

Justaboy · 07/05/2019 19:25

I migh be talking bollix here but thats a very sad situatiuon for the both of you:-(

Is it the done thing to have donor sperm and a doner egg or isnt that allowed as yet?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 07/05/2019 19:25

This happened with friends of ours but it was the woman who said no, she didn't think her mental health would cope with an IVF pregnancy, they'd already tried IUI. They are still together and he seems to have moved past it, but we have a lot less contact with them now we have a baby, and they don't see his sister who now has two children either and they used to be so close.

There's no compromise with this, I don't think I could get past it if DH had flat out said no. We'd discussed it as I have diagnosed fertility issues, but we were so very lucky to have DS without it getting to IVF. If we'd tried and it hadn't worked, we had a plan b for a life without a child and I had come to terms with that, but for him to just deny me the chance because it's an 'unnatural conception' would've seen me walking away.

JonSnowsFurCoat · 07/05/2019 19:26

Reading back my post it’s a bit one sided. I do also agree with bridgetreilly. You can’t force him. You just need to decide if you can live with his decision or carry on without him.

agnurse · 07/05/2019 19:27

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jellyfish70 · 07/05/2019 19:27

Perhaps he needs more time to digest what you've been told. Good luck.

paap1975 · 07/05/2019 19:28

Tough as it is to have a "no", I have seen several friends marriages destroyed by the pressure put on them by failed IVF. I can understand your husband wanting to protect you both.

adaline · 07/05/2019 19:29

I'm sorry Flowers

However, maybe he's of the view that you can't have children naturally - and that's an easy stopping point for him - something he can accept and move on from (as much as you can move on from these things). Maybe he feels as though he can't go through IVF because well, what if that fails too, and there's even more heartbreak and hurt to deal with.

ChandelierSail · 07/05/2019 19:30

Talking as someone who did 3 rounds of IVF (successful on third attempt), I won't lie - it's hard. So you both need to be 100% committed.

Would he consider going for a consultation and discussing the likelihood of success? From my experience, they are always very open about your chances and always allow you to decide what you want to do.

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