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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset DH said no?

92 replies

ThinkingFeeling · 07/05/2019 18:56

After lots of tests and years and years trying to conceive we've been offered IVF via the NHS.

DH has very low sperm count, I have very damaged tubes and a low egg reserve. Bad quality too. Also suspected endometriosis.

DH has said he's a flat 'no' to IVF because our chances of success are so low (confirmed by specialist) and he doesn't want to go through an unnatural conception. His opinion.

That's it then. I'll never be a mum. Please, no miracle 'it happened as soon as I stopped stressing' stories...I can't take it.

AIBU to be upset he's just a flat out 'no'? Even though it's the sensible rational choice. I love him, I wouldn't want to leave him. We have an amazing marriage. I never thought we'd be infertile. Maybe I just have to come to terms with it.

OP posts:

Gigglinghysterically · 07/05/2019 19:31

I think the decision to have or not have children should be a joint decision in a marriage. I think the same goes for IVF. If one doesn't want to undergo IVF then there isn't really a compromise.

He's given you two reasons for not wanting IVF. You ANBU to be upset but, sadly, I think all you can do is accept his decision and come to terms with not being able to have a biological child, if you wish to stay with your husband whose view you have already said is the sensible and rational choice.

My DB and SIL were in this situation and DB did not want them to try IVF due to it not being "natural". They are still together and very happily married years later. They still admit they would have liked children but would have just wanted to have them in the usual course of events.

Orangeballon · 07/05/2019 19:32

Having children is not the be all in life, you have a loving partner which is a lot more than most. Make do with what you have in life.

dogsdinnerlady · 07/05/2019 19:32

Please OP, don't close you mind to adoption. Without it I would never have known how it felt to be a parent. Best thing I ever did and DS agrees with me!
Once you adopt you ARE a real mum, especially to the child. Good luck.

Crunchymum · 07/05/2019 19:32

Surely IVF has been discussed before now? Even if just in an abstract way? Have his feelings on it always been the same?

Or was it just being told you are legible for IVF that he has said a firm "no" for the first time?

Original poster

ThinkingFeeling · 07/05/2019 19:32

@NoCauseRebel exactly, it's perfectly logical, I can completely understand why he's reached his limit. We've been through a lot and the chances of success are really low.

To answer a few questions - no I'd never consider donor sperm. I only wanted my DH's children. And I don't resent him for his decision at all. I'm upset because I feel it's the end of the road, though he's got just as much right to say no as I do.

He's a wonderful person, a great husband, our marriage is pretty amazing after 10 years. He's my best friend, we have a happy little home.

I think we'd have made great parents. :(

OP posts:

JingsMahBucket · 07/05/2019 19:32

Neither one of you is being unreasonable. There does need to be an end point/boundary and his happens to be earlier than yours. How long have you been trying? If it’s something like 5 years in, it’s understandable why he’d want to stop now.

Is there counseling available near you for this stage of the process? It may help both of you work through and past it all.

EL8888 · 07/05/2019 19:34

I would be very upset by this if I was you m. I don't think anything is very natural these days. I think it's particularly unreasonable as the ivf will be more invasive for you and blunt as it sounds he's the one with the issue. Would you both consider donor sperm? Can you live with the not trying part?

We are having fertility issues. I'm anti adoption and he's anti ivf so there's nowhere really to go after this for us either. Which is quite scary

IAmTheChosenOne · 07/05/2019 19:35

I had friends in the same situation as you (low sperm count and damaged tubes). they were told they could never conceive naturally, two or three cycles and they had a baby. 5 months later they were pregnant with no intervention.

If the IVF is free - well, go for it. What is he frightened of ?

SignedUpJust4This · 07/05/2019 19:37

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I know you may never experience pregnancy and giving birth and that is hard to come to terms with. You could still be a mother though. My friend adopted and is every single bit that child's mother. I know it might be too painful right now but don't rule it out.

category12 · 07/05/2019 19:38

A flat no is hard to take, but if your chances are really that low, then maybe he's right. It's a lot to put your body through and hope can be so very cruel.

ShirleyAvenue · 07/05/2019 19:38

Give him time to come to terms with the idea. He might- tho he might not- change his mind. Try to be patient and not force the matter. Some people do better if they can come round to big things in their own time.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 07/05/2019 19:38

So sorry you have come to end of the road, however...
Clutching at straws the Waiting list are usually long and his family and friends may sway him when it achually comes to the time to decline the treatments

thedancingbear · 07/05/2019 19:39

His body, his sperm, his choice surely?

It's entirely reasonable for the OP to be upset, but there seems no justification for her to be angry at her partner. If he doesn't want to go through an IVF procedure with little prospect of success, that seems to me to be his entirely reasonable choice.

HomeMadeMadness · 07/05/2019 19:43

I'm really sorry. This must be devastating. I would definitely think you should access some counselling to help you work through your feelings about this.

Callywalls · 07/05/2019 19:44

Those people so against adoption - have you ever gone through the process? It gets a lot of bad press but I have adopted and I found as long as you were prepared to be totally honest and open, be available for workshops and social workers assessment visits the process was pretty painless. They don't just dump any child on you - the assessment and matching process is so very carefully carried out and at the end of the day you have lots of input in possible matches. It was the best thing I ever did.

Original poster

ThinkingFeeling · 07/05/2019 19:45

there seems no justification for her to be angry at her partner

Oh I'm not angry at all, sorry if that's how I've come across? I think his decision comes from a good place. It's just hard to accept that's it and we will never have biological children, I've been planning my family for so long.

I feel like I'm not who I was, but also not who I was supposed to be.

OP posts:

cottonwoolmouth · 07/05/2019 19:47

You are Dh and I.

We were told chances were next to none, I basically had no egg count, he had low sperm count. I had badly damaged tubes to to endo.

We had ICSI and I now have two children from it.

I don’t think it’s fair he has give up on the last leg when it’s you really that will have to endure most of the procedures.

It would always play on the back of my mind that he would never go the whole hog and cause resentment for me.

Arusedmoose · 07/05/2019 19:48

I don’t know if I could stay with my husband if he refused. Sorry you’re having to deal with this

AJPTaylor · 07/05/2019 19:48

That's hard. I have 2 sets of people I know. 1 couple got to 40, chances of Ivf low, they decided together not to put themselves through it. He wanted to adopt, she didn't.
Other couple did multiple Ivf. She wanted to adopt, he didn't.
In both cases they have stayed together and moved on with their lives.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 07/05/2019 19:50

Can't you just be happy together? Children are not a must have.

thedancingbear · 07/05/2019 19:51

Sorry OP, you're absolutely not coming across as angry. I've first hand experience here and I know how shit it is. I'm sorry you're going through it.

But there are (typically) two more or less explicit 'LTB' responses above, and a few insinuating the same thing, and these have got my back up. They are not fair and they will not help you.

Original poster

ThinkingFeeling · 07/05/2019 19:53

I am angry at the rapist that infected me with an STD I didn't know about for years that eventually damaged my tubes.

I'm also angry at the doctor's that ignored my complaints of period pain throughout my 20s that was actually endometriosis, leading to decreased egg number and quality.

I feel like the bad guys won.

If I hadn't been abused and then ignored, I might not be too damaged to have children.

I know life is tough and unfair, for everyone, I've just worked so hard for a happy ending. Facing the end if the road means the end of hope, that feels so tough.

Pity party for one, right here.

I don't think I'd be accepted to adopt because of my traumatic history.

OP posts:

floraloctopus · 07/05/2019 19:54

YANBU but then neither is he, it's very difficult for you both to come to terms with.

ViolentGin · 07/05/2019 19:56

OP I understand how crushing this must be for you.

I was your DH in this scenario - my DH had a low count, I was fine so our chances were fairly decent but after meeting with a consultant I decided I could not out myself through it. I saw it as such a huge gamble - it would cost us up to 10k, and then if it didn't work, it was statistically more likely to work on a second attempt, then a third...and by the time we would have spent £30k on it, it would feel like throwing it all away if we still hadn't conceived. I could see myself getting eaten up by it and it consuming everything and then living with the debt for the rest of my life as a constant reminder.

Luckily my DH wasnt fussed either way so my hard no didn't really bother him and we decided to adopt instead. But if he had been really set on IVF, I think it could have broken us.

givemesteel · 07/05/2019 19:57

The decision is unique for every couple. I know a couple who have had multiple rounds of ivf even though various health conditions mean their chances of success are lower. I know another couple who had several miscarriages and couldn't go through with any more so have made their peace with not having children.

I think it is very difficult if one person has decided to stop way before another - your dh hasn't said enough is enough after 6 rounds of ivf, he's not tried at all.

If he isn't willing to try anything (even with donor eggs and/or sperm) I don't personally think I could live with that and it would be enough to end my marriage.

It is difficult though. I had fertility treatment and thankfully it worked. But my dh was always going on about agreeing at what point we'd stop and accept it wasn't going to happen, we had so many arguments about it, he obviously would have stopped way before me.

Everyone is different. I don't know if his no is no to any kind of fertility treatment (eg surrogacy) or adoption?

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