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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To spend unexpected money this way..

70 replies

benfoldsfive · 07/05/2019 18:09

My DF died when I was a young child, he had a friend who contacted me around 2 years ago. My Dsis and I have met up with him and listened to him discuss how much of an impact my DF had on his life and stories that we have never heard before. On 2 ocassions he gifted us some both money.

My DH to be, nearly died 2 years ago, he is unable to work and I am his carer. Money is tight and we have decided to use what little money is left in our saving to have a small wedding (about 100 people). We have children, step children and have been together over a decade.

I invited DF friend, He has politely declined by sent a cheque, £1000. We are spending less than 4 grand on the wedding and having a simple buffet afterwards at a cheap labour club.

I want to use some of this money to buy everyone a 1st drink, around £400 and have some tokens made saying "a drink on benfoldfives dad".

DH to be thinks this is extravagant, we don't have the money and no one is expecting it . We aren't really in a position to do so. He thinks that I am only considering it because some people will be judging us for not providing our guests with anything other than food. I haven't outwardly said this but we are the last to get married out of our friends and family and I do feel a little like our wedding is the cheap do. But I have kept cost down for guests - it's all doable on foot or small taxi journey home and we have pick a venue that is cheap to party at.

We haven't asked for gift or cash BTW. We really just want people to come and celebrate with us.

So aibu to want to spend this money this way?

OP posts:

OKBobble · 07/05/2019 18:12

Is there a glass of something on arrival and for the toast? Then yes I would use it for that. But then spend the rest on something nice that you will also remember the friend for. How lovely that he wants to share with you the impact your DF had on his life and has extended his hand of friendship in such a way.

bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 18:14

I think it's a splendid idea! Sorry, I think it's pretty mean not to provide your guests with even a bit of fizz to toast.

Monkeyssplit · 07/05/2019 18:15

I think it is a lovely idea!

Foxmuffin · 07/05/2019 18:19

It’s a nice idea and up to you. But don’t feel you should. Only do it because you want to.

Me and DH had a super cheap wedding, but exactly what we wanted. Not because we didn’t have the money but because it wasn’t important to us to have a big do. Don’t compare your day to other people’s.

user1493413286 · 07/05/2019 18:19

Does your venue give the option of you providing the bottles and then charging corkage? You could do it cheaper that way.

Original poster

benfoldsfive · 07/05/2019 18:20

bamboo fibre, I am really aware that people wil see no booze as stingy, but the people invited know our situation. They know that money is scarce for us. No new suit for DH, wedding dress from the hospice charity shop that looked after my dad just to name a few short cuts. Our income has gone from £50k to £11k.

I just don't know whether the new penny pinching me can just throw caution to the wind and just do it. Old me wouldn't have thought twice!!

OP posts:

janetforpresident · 07/05/2019 18:21

How many guests are you having? £400 is a lot when money is tight. Is there any way the amount could be reduced for example by bringing bottles you have bought yourself and paying a corkage charge?

Alsohuman · 07/05/2019 18:23

This is really heart warming. Why not buy a few bottles of fizz - you can get decent champagne from Aldi for £10 - you could give everyone a glass for less than £200. Drink a toast to your dad and forget the tokens.

Biscusting · 07/05/2019 18:27

I was thinking that with money being so tight is a wedding affordable? It sounds like it’s such a big stretch.

janetforpresident · 07/05/2019 18:28

Sorry you've said 100 people. Are you having register office wedding? If so would they allow tou to bring champagne and have a toast there? That way you can buy yourself. You could also try and negotiate with the venue. If they know you are going to buy 20 bottles of fizz they might offer a reduced rate.

I dont think people will think you are being stingy in not buying drinks by the way. I dont think anyone will expect it given your financial circumstances.

flirtygirl · 07/05/2019 18:28

I spent 300 on wine 200 on spirits from Sainsburys and tesco for my wedding and had so much left over, I took it back and got a refund. If your venue allows its far cheaper to buy the alcohol yourself and have it set up on a table with glasses and someone you trust overseeing it.

Creamegghunter · 07/05/2019 18:30

I agree with your dh. I wouldn’t spend the money on this.
I wouldn’t think it was mean not to provide guests a drink.
People know your circumstances and they’d need to be pretty shitty to judge you for not providing a free drink and it says more about them than you.
Fuck the judgers is what I say

Alsohuman · 07/05/2019 18:32

@Bisgusting, lovely and so very helpful.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/05/2019 18:33

I'd have just popped with the children to the registry office and not touched the savings given you are both not working and there are children.

allworthwhile · 07/05/2019 18:34

a drink on benfoldfives dad".

Is it your dad or his friend though?

Pipandmum · 07/05/2019 18:34

100 is not small. I’d rather invite fewer people if money was so tight.

allworthwhile · 07/05/2019 18:35

I think it's a lovely idea, just get the wording right! :)

Original poster

benfoldsfive · 07/05/2019 18:40

Yes, getting married is a stretch. Every single person invited, it either a family member or close friend. All when DH was ill (6 months in hospital), drove me to his bedside twice a day, watched the kids, helped, love us and we want to share that with them. It's been a really horrible time and we want to celebrate The main cost for us is feeding everyone properly.

They won't let us do our own wine and the cheapest they can do is 20 quid a bottle, so it works out roughly the same as a drink for everyone.

We getting married in a public space, so can't have booze there!

OP posts:

SCST01 · 07/05/2019 18:45

I think it sounds like a beautiful idea - just do the fizz, save the token money for something else, maybe a lovely day out with the kids? Such a nice thing for your dad's friend to do

Spinnaret · 07/05/2019 18:46

I agree with the suggestion to see if the venue will allow corkage. It doesn't have to be champagne, you can get decent cava or cremant for under £10/ bottle. Find somewhere that does a discount for buying 6 or multiples of. A dozen bottles would allow a glass or two for all without breaking the bank. I doubt a Labour Club charges much for corkage and you can probably negotiate it down as well.

Alternatively, they may be able to purchase and supply a few bottles for similar price. So you could keep the cost closer to £200.

It would be a lovely thing to do, and I would have thought that DF friend would like the idea that he was able to make your wedding even more special for you both.

SparklyMagpie · 07/05/2019 18:48

@allworthwhile I also thought this

3timeslucky · 07/05/2019 18:50

I wouldn't get tokens made ... but I can't see the problem with using the money that way. It is money you didn't have so in spending 400 this way you'll still be 600 richer than you were when you planned the wedding.

Original poster

benfoldsfive · 07/05/2019 18:55

@allworthwhile I think he would be embarrassed if I said it was from him maybe I would say in his memory.

I am really torn because its money we didn't have and can start to replace the pot we have used. Almost wish he hadn't sent it until after!

OP posts:

azulmariposa · 07/05/2019 18:55

Use it for toasting drinks- money behind the bar doesn't last long- and there'll always be a few that take the Micky.

Boysey45 · 07/05/2019 19:00

If they all helped you, then I would buy them a drink yes. The money has been gifted to you so its not like its coming out of your pocket as such.

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