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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend unexpected money this way..

70 replies

benfoldsfive · 07/05/2019 18:09

My DF died when I was a young child, he had a friend who contacted me around 2 years ago. My Dsis and I have met up with him and listened to him discuss how much of an impact my DF had on his life and stories that we have never heard before. On 2 ocassions he gifted us some both money.

My DH to be, nearly died 2 years ago, he is unable to work and I am his carer. Money is tight and we have decided to use what little money is left in our saving to have a small wedding (about 100 people). We have children, step children and have been together over a decade.

I invited DF friend, He has politely declined by sent a cheque, £1000. We are spending less than 4 grand on the wedding and having a simple buffet afterwards at a cheap labour club.

I want to use some of this money to buy everyone a 1st drink, around £400 and have some tokens made saying "a drink on benfoldfives dad".

DH to be thinks this is extravagant, we don't have the money and no one is expecting it . We aren't really in a position to do so. He thinks that I am only considering it because some people will be judging us for not providing our guests with anything other than food. I haven't outwardly said this but we are the last to get married out of our friends and family and I do feel a little like our wedding is the cheap do. But I have kept cost down for guests - it's all doable on foot or small taxi journey home and we have pick a venue that is cheap to party at.

We haven't asked for gift or cash BTW. We really just want people to come and celebrate with us.

So aibu to want to spend this money this way?

OP posts:
Onceuponacheesecake · 07/05/2019 19:04

100 guests isnt a small wedding. A small wedding would be half that surely? If money is that tight I really think you need to adjust your priorities

TheRedBarrows · 07/05/2019 19:04

How lovely of him!

As others have suggested I would buy 17 bottles of cava / prosecco / or a French Methode Champenoise which will look like a bottle of champagne, and give everyone a welcome drink / toast.

Then you will have the majority of the money (more than £800 if you get a good deal) to spend on yourselves, your home and your lives together.

I would prefer this if I were your Dad's friend than buying them all a pint of beer or a vodka and tonic randomly throughout the proceedings.

It will give you a bit of a 'moment'.

You have done well finding a place with affordable bar drinks - people come to celebrate you two and your marriage not to get shit-faced at your expense!

Congratulations and I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

EvaHarknessRose · 07/05/2019 19:05

I think its a good idea, but the two of you should decide together (married life). So talk, listen to each other, listen if the other person feels strongly, and say what you feel strongly about. There’s no right answer, your Dad will be remembered and the money will be spent one way or another.

janetforpresident · 07/05/2019 19:07

If they all helped you, then I would buy them a drink yes.

She is buying them all a meal. One drink will be a minor pleasure for them but is almost 2 weeks income for the OP. Its a lovely idea but personally i wouldnt do it.

Leeds2 · 07/05/2019 19:08

Do you think DF's friend gave you the money specifically to help with the wedding?

IAmTheChosenOne · 07/05/2019 19:11

It is very unusual to have a fully funded bar these days. If you were having a sit down meal, then wine would be expected, but you aren't, and that's fine. A bucks fizz as you go in is he norm, thereafter people pay for their own

DillyDilly · 07/05/2019 19:16

I absolutely wouldn’t use the money for this, I’d put it away until you really need it, especially since you have children.

Charley50 · 07/05/2019 20:00

I'd ask them again if you can bring your own, but if not I'd buy the 20 bottles-ish and use it all for a toast to your dad and his friend.
You'll have £600 left over.
I think it sounds like a lovely wedding. Buying own drinks is normal these days.

Pinkprincess1978 · 07/05/2019 20:01

We didn't buy any drinks at our wedding, we couldn't afford it (the hotel charged I think £13.50 minimum a bottle or £6 per bottle corkage so no cheaper).

I do think it's a nice way to spend money you didn't expect to have but if money is that tight I can understand why you wouldn't and wouldn't think any less of you for it.

Charley50 · 07/05/2019 20:01

A Buck's Fizz will only be about 15 bottles! Grin

aprarl · 07/05/2019 20:06

Just another opinion - I'd feel awful if I was at a wedding, and the bride and groom spent a fortune I knew for a fact they didn't have.

Those people are coming because they love you and want to share the day with you.

Please don't fall for any hype or nonsense around weddings themselves!

Charley50 · 07/05/2019 20:07

I don't see the point of the tokens though, can't you just toast your dad?

Alsohuman · 07/05/2019 20:09

OP doesn’t want to spend money she doesn’t have. She wants to spend money she’s unexpectedly been given. Big difference.

stucknoue · 07/05/2019 20:17

Find out what they will charge for corkage, then buy bottles of cabs from Aldi, £5 is common for corkage if not a posh place

EdtheBear · 07/05/2019 20:19

Ok I think you've done brilliant to get a wedding with 100 people for £4k.

Personally I think the money is for you, not for you to spend it on other people. I'd bank half to recoup some of your savings. And use half for a night or two in a hotel for a honeymoon.

JustCallMeSliths · 07/05/2019 20:24

Not sure about this. As a guest, I'd rather you kept the money to do something nice for you. A drink for me or £400 for you to have a lovely weekend away...

I'd also think the token thing, although a nice idea, was a waste of money tbh.

Not read the whole thread so apologies if this has been asked but why do you think you were gifted the money? Would he be happy to see you spend it on alcohol for other people?

IncrediblySadToo · 07/05/2019 20:25

It’s a shame your Dad’s friend doesn’t want to come to your wedding, that would have been nice.

You have a lot of family and friends, it’s nice so many people helped you out when you needed it.

Have you already paid deposits etc?

£4000 is a lot to spend on a wedding in your situation. If you haven’t already gone beyond the point where you could cancel we could help you organise something much cheaper, and just as enjoyable, for your reception?!

If I was your friend I’d just be very happy to be at your wedding and would happily bring a picnic to celebrate with you. I wouldn’t want you spending £40 to feed me!

What did he say when he sent the money? Did he give you any indication whether it was ‘towards the wedding’ or ‘a gift’ Or anything?

If you ‘almost wish’ he’d sent it afterwards, why are you wanting to spend it when your DHtb doesn’t think you should? It’s almist like you’d rather not either, but feel you ‘should’?

Bigsighall · 07/05/2019 20:26

If I was your friend and knew you were skint, I’d rather just pay my £4 for my own drink. £4 cost to me or £400 cost to you..
I would get something ‘keepy’ with the money

SleepingStandingUp · 07/05/2019 20:37

The fact that your cheap labour club is charging you £20 a bottle and won't consider a corkage charge is frankly ridiculous. I'd honestly speak to them again and see if there's any wiggle room on it and then do it as a toast.
I think free-drink is open to abuse - a half pint of beer or a double gin and tonic will be vastly different prices.

M00rhenRunning · 07/05/2019 20:41

How about spending the money on a weekend away⁄honeymoon ?

user1480880826 · 07/05/2019 20:46

Free booze at weddings has become very common but it’s a fairly recent thing. If I was that strapped for cash (especially if my friends and family knew about it) I wouldn’t waste my money on one drink for each guest. No one will remember their one free drink and no one will judge you for not supplying a free drink. Whereas £400 could go a long way towards something you really need.

If someone suggested you spend £400 on wedding favours you would probably think they were mad and say no. I think you should view a free drink in the same way.

BuffySummerss · 07/05/2019 20:56

I think it's a lovely idea but I'd spend it on your selves and your children, maybe a weekend/few days away together somewhere.

MatchSetPoint · 07/05/2019 20:57

I really like somebody else’s suggestion of a honeymoon, if I was your friend/family I’d rather you would spend the money on yourself than a drink for everybody. I’d rather you have a weekend away as a family and have lasting memories than splashing out on one drink.

Original poster
benfoldsfive · 07/05/2019 21:32

First off, just to reassure everyone. We are not on the breadline. No debts, own the house outright. Have little out goings and can't socialise or drink very much due to the disabilities my dh to be has been left with. He is lucky to be alive and we are lucky to have him. We don't live extravagantly and holidays aren't feesable right now or for the foreseeable future.

I think I feel like I should be giving a drink or something, I guess. But the poster who said would you spend 400 on favours? I haven't spent that on the wedding outfits for the 6 of us - so no. That puts it into perspective

I think the general census of spending it on us is really what my gut is saying to do.

It's just an unexpected gift that my first thought was to honour my dad with. His friend said he was generous to a fault and my mum would say that why we often ran out of 'leccy' (tongue in cheek before anyone is horrified)

Thanks for the well wishes guys. I have never been so happy and excited!!

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 07/05/2019 22:11

Spend it on your family. In the long run on one will remember getting one extra drink. It's not an important part of the day at all. Happy memories and no regrets are more important.

Do something for your whole family with the £1000. Much better use than a token drink.