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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely livid

106 replies

Daisydo48 · 07/05/2019 15:31

Ok so i just saw a friend who is pregnant she is obviously very excited so spoke alot about babies which is great i have no problem at all with that so here is my AIBU

I don't have DC of my own but i have two DSS who i have helped bring up for the last 12 years now DSS1 is 13 DSS2 is 15 we are and have always been extremely close they are wonderful young men i get on with their DM very well we are very good friends and i have a fantastic marriage with my DH so to me my life seems great

My "friend" asked when i was having children of my own i laughed and said oh I'm not planning to she straight away got quite bitchy said i was depriving my DM of being a grandmother (my DM has 6 grandsons 3 granddaughters) she counts my DSS as grandsons she has always been their nan. My DM has never had a problem with me not wanting children of my own. Friend then goes onto blame my DH bit of an age gap between us starts saying he's selfish and i will eventually resent him and my DSS which trust me is not going to happen!! I tried explaining my life does not lack anything and i am genuinely very happy she scoffs at me and tells me I will never know what it's like to love a "proper" child and basically i am an arsehole. I again stayed calm told her i have done nappies helped them learn to walk and talk done the school runs bandaged hurt limbs had my shoulder cried on been told about school dramas just because they are not biologically mine doesn't mean I'm missing out my DSS are now teens we still go out together to do something every week they always give me a hug and tell me they love me they saved their own money to buy me a mother's day card and present and also now they are getting older and independent my marriage has flourished we get more time together as a couple.

Life is genuinely good so i can't see why she's taking it so bad that i don't feel the need to have DC this is also the same friend who told me i was making a mistake on my wedding day she has had around 6 different relationships since then i don't get involved in her decisions it's her life.

It ended with her saying well i still think your a selfish c*t and me telling her to take her head for a s*t she's since text just saying sorry and i honestly don't even know whether to reply and if i did what to say.

I have taken into account hormones but wow there seriously was no need. The most embarrassing part about it was we were having a coffee in small local cafe so everyone in there heard.

I know IANBU but i just don't think i want to see or talk to her for a good while not sure if I'm angry or more hurt. She also knows my DSS and has done for a long time so it came completely out of the blue

Thanks for reading sorry it's so long but all this typing has helped me calm down a bit

OP posts:
LondonJax · 07/05/2019 16:20

YANBU.

I usually find people who blame their hormones actually mean they have a mouth that doesn't engage with the brain before opening.

And they're exactly the same when whatever was causing the so called hormone surge has weaved its pretty way out of them.

I think your friend needs you to be like her to validate her own decisions in life and, because you go your own way and it works out well for you, she is having a tantrum. It's the 'why can't my life be like that' syndrome.

RedBerryTea · 07/05/2019 16:23

That she's definitely not a true friend nor is she someone who has my best interests at heart Correct! Sad to lose a friend, but I'd be taking a huge step back at this point if I were you. You sound like you are content and happy with your life; some people really struggle with that in a friend.

horizontalis · 07/05/2019 16:23

If someone spoke to me like that in a coffee shop, I'm afraid they'd soon be be wearing whatever I happened to have to hand: coffee, half-eaten panini, whatever. (I wouldn't waste chocolate cake obviously, I'm not crazy).

I'd then gather my belongings and depart the scene gracefully, leaving my dripping ex-friend behind.

She's a nasty piece of work, OP, and I'd jettison her as a friend, to be honest.

Nancydrawn · 07/05/2019 16:24

I'm glad you've figured out this isn't a real friendship.

But I hope you also know that she isn't just mean, she's wrong. You sound like you have a lovely family and that you have been a loving, supportive, wonderful stepmother. Your stepsons clearly adore you, and I hope you don't take anything she said to heart.

StickOfRhubarb · 07/05/2019 16:27

It doesn’t even make a difference that you have step sons really. It doesn’t make you a selfish cunt. Who has dc to be unselfish. In fact, having dc is quite a selfish thing to do.

Greencustard · 07/05/2019 16:29

She's going to be one of those parents that will dismiss everything you know about babies/children because 'they weren't your own', even though you have brought them up as your own. You won't be allowed an opinion with her now because she has 'her own' child. She sounds jealous in some way.

Original poster
Daisydo48 · 07/05/2019 16:30

No pregnancy wasn't planned she has only been with DP around 8-9 months

OP posts:
whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 07/05/2019 16:31

How sad for her to devalue your relationship with your DSC. If you view them as family then that's what they are, blood relation or not. I would be horrified at her having this reaction to someone who couldn't have kids and weren't wanting to share that reason with her.

You seem very happy with your life and that is precious. Don't allow this so called friend tarnish that.

Greencustard · 07/05/2019 16:33

It doesn’t even make a difference that you have step sons really. It doesn’t make you a selfish cunt. Who has dc to be unselfish. In fact, having dc is quite a selfish thing to do

Yeah I've never understood the saying that it's selfish to not have children. Isn't it the exact opposite?

HBStowe · 07/05/2019 16:34

This isn’t a case of different perspectives, this is a case of one person being mind-bogglingly rude, aggressive, cruel, narrow-minded and judgemental.

If I were you OP I would literally never speak to her again. You just don’t need someone like that in your life.

CockSpadget · 07/05/2019 16:38

Wow, nice friend! She is obviously insecure and unhappy with her own life, and envious of yours. She is toxic and you will be better off without her.

AngryWolf · 07/05/2019 16:44

Sounds like she's jealous of your happiness in all aspects of your life. She is no friend, cut her off.

Nonnymum · 07/05/2019 16:51

You are not being unreasonable. Your choices are none of her business. It sounds like you are a wonderful stepmother. Her comment about your mother is ridiculous and I have no idea why she should call you selfish when you are clearly not.
In fact all her comments seem very odd she seems strangely over invested in you having children. Is something else going on iwth her because it is not normal behaviour.

Erythronium · 07/05/2019 16:51

I can't believe a woman called her friend the c-word. Has she ever done this to you before? Whatever, she is not your friend and it sounds as if there is something seriously wrong with her. You've tolerated her for far too long.

Happyandglorious · 07/05/2019 16:57

I would ignore her for a very long time if not forever.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 07/05/2019 17:02

That's not hormones.
I'd let her stew for a while.

Throckmorton · 07/05/2019 17:15

She is no friend. You on the other hand sound like a lovely stepmum!

What on earth does "take her head for a shit" mean though? I only ask cos I plan to use the phrase as the soonest opportunity, and need to make sure I use it right!

Toooldtocareanymore · 07/05/2019 17:15

there is no excuse for this, so don't be making up on for her hormones my a*, she's ignorant and rude, and hasn't a clue what she's talking about, just think what she said and compare it to all the wonderful adoptee parents out there, to say you will never know how to love a proper child, is disgusting and wrong, real love is taking on and loving a child you don't have to rather than just because its biologically yours. To say nothing of fact many parents out there don't love their children enough we see that a lot here on mn.

It sounds like it you have done a great job with those boys of yours and instead of asking you for advice , 12 years form babyhood you've seen it all, she slags of your own decisions and because you don't agree with you its ok to call you names? I have friends with no kids and I know why in each case as we have had discussions about it this has been possible without questioning their choices, saying things like depriving parents of grandchildren and they will some how resent your partner.

I don't know how you managed to stay for the conversation. just because you have known someone a long time does not mean its a friendship and this isn't it, just because she's now pregnant its right decision for you and you should do same?

outvoid · 07/05/2019 17:18

YANBU, she is not a friend and I implore you to ditch her ass. She sounds horrible.

notmuchmoretogive · 07/05/2019 17:20

Bizarre behaviour!

Friends are kind, supportive and encouraging. She is not your friend. Actually your DS's are somewhat of a red herring. Even without them you could have easily decided that you didn't want children of your own and that would have been perfectly fine!

I would ditch her and I would tell her why. No relationship is worth that shit.

Ps you sound like you've got everything really well thought out and a great step mum. Halo

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 07/05/2019 17:25

Honestly I don't think you should reply. Or class this person as a friend. From what you've said this isn't the first time she's behaved like this. I think you should make it the last though. I do t think I could forgive her for the proper children comment. How awful... Not to mention the rest!

DointItForTheKids · 07/05/2019 17:31

OP - not read the whole thread because it's clear to everyone - and now to you - that your friend is a resentful and unpleasant bitch as it turns out.

Can I just say, I wish my DD (now 17) had a stepmum like you.

Original poster
Daisydo48 · 07/05/2019 17:34

Thank you all for all your supportive replies. Her DP has rang me and has said she's deeply upset for the way she spoke to me. I have blocked her for now as i am simply to angry to talk to her which i explained to her DP and have said for now i would like no contact

OP posts:
CornishMaid1 · 07/05/2019 17:35

It would be nice to blame hormones, but I think she is just not very nice.

Perhaps it is because she is now in a position that she was not expecting (presuming her short relationship and pregnancy means an unplanned pregnancy) and she is more wishing that you were having a baby too so you 'can go through it together' and more so she can get free childcare from you.

May just be wishful thinking and she is horrible. Not everyone wants children, you have two and may not want more. That is your choice. I would hate to see what you says if you had fertility issues or had adopted children.

Maybe tell her that after what she said to you you need some space and distance yourself for a couple of weeks. Hopefully that will set her straight.

ControversialFerret · 07/05/2019 17:35

I'd send her one text for the simple purpose of telling her that you no longer want anything to do with her.

Thanks for the apology, however your behaviour has made me realise that I no longer wish to be friends with you, so I won't be responding to you any further. Good luck with the baby.

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