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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely livid

106 replies

Daisydo48 · 07/05/2019 15:31

Ok so i just saw a friend who is pregnant she is obviously very excited so spoke alot about babies which is great i have no problem at all with that so here is my AIBU

I don't have DC of my own but i have two DSS who i have helped bring up for the last 12 years now DSS1 is 13 DSS2 is 15 we are and have always been extremely close they are wonderful young men i get on with their DM very well we are very good friends and i have a fantastic marriage with my DH so to me my life seems great

My "friend" asked when i was having children of my own i laughed and said oh I'm not planning to she straight away got quite bitchy said i was depriving my DM of being a grandmother (my DM has 6 grandsons 3 granddaughters) she counts my DSS as grandsons she has always been their nan. My DM has never had a problem with me not wanting children of my own. Friend then goes onto blame my DH bit of an age gap between us starts saying he's selfish and i will eventually resent him and my DSS which trust me is not going to happen!! I tried explaining my life does not lack anything and i am genuinely very happy she scoffs at me and tells me I will never know what it's like to love a "proper" child and basically i am an arsehole. I again stayed calm told her i have done nappies helped them learn to walk and talk done the school runs bandaged hurt limbs had my shoulder cried on been told about school dramas just because they are not biologically mine doesn't mean I'm missing out my DSS are now teens we still go out together to do something every week they always give me a hug and tell me they love me they saved their own money to buy me a mother's day card and present and also now they are getting older and independent my marriage has flourished we get more time together as a couple.

Life is genuinely good so i can't see why she's taking it so bad that i don't feel the need to have DC this is also the same friend who told me i was making a mistake on my wedding day she has had around 6 different relationships since then i don't get involved in her decisions it's her life.

It ended with her saying well i still think your a selfish c*t and me telling her to take her head for a s*t she's since text just saying sorry and i honestly don't even know whether to reply and if i did what to say.

I have taken into account hormones but wow there seriously was no need. The most embarrassing part about it was we were having a coffee in small local cafe so everyone in there heard.

I know IANBU but i just don't think i want to see or talk to her for a good while not sure if I'm angry or more hurt. She also knows my DSS and has done for a long time so it came completely out of the blue

Thanks for reading sorry it's so long but all this typing has helped me calm down a bit

OP posts:
choli · 07/05/2019 15:48

Some women take the decision of others not to have kids as a negative reflection on their own decision to have kids. It's about her, not you. Put it out of your mind and cool the friendship.

Pugwash1 · 07/05/2019 15:48

I am fortunate to be in a very similar position to you. I had one friend who constantly spouted nonsense like this to me. She even used to send me news clippings about it while I was in a blimmin war zone with other things on my mind!! Unfortunately she was unable at all to comprehend that I was completely happy with my life, DH and DSS. In the end the friendship ended over this many years ago. I still miss her but not to the extent of being made to feel sub human for not wishing to create my own child. Aside from my good luck with my DSS, extended family / blended family, whatever you want to call it, I was genetically tested in my early twenties due to a familial blood condition. The results showed I was the last female in my family to have the gene, so by not having them has managed to wipe this miserable condition that has caused multiple deaths out from our family. Perhaps give her a few more chances. It might be the hormones but I wouldn't know as have never been pregnant!

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 07/05/2019 15:48

Some people are very strange. They see people making different life choices and take it as criticism of their own (see also baby feeding, SAHParenting, marriage vs living together, going to university or not). It comes from a place of deep insecurity. I expect that is what is going on.

Your mate was bang out of order, but it sounds like she has realised that she is. If she is otherwise a good friend, I'd not terminate the friendship on this basis. But neither would I would not be quick to forget what she had said, and I would have to let her know that she'd badly hurt my feelings.

EL8888 · 07/05/2019 15:48

^ totally this.

Antigon · 07/05/2019 15:49

She called you a selfish cunt and you 'honestly don't know what to say'? Hmm

Why would you even go into that whole spiel about nappies, school runs, hurt limbs to such an arsehole? Genuinely don't get it.

Original poster
Daisydo48 · 07/05/2019 15:52

Thank you all so much for your replies you really are super stars. I really just needed to vent. Your replies make a lot of sense and you are right she is no friend.

OP posts:
Whatthefoxgoingon · 07/05/2019 15:52

WTAF?

She is completely out of order.

INeedAFlerken · 07/05/2019 15:53

She called you a selfish c**t for not providing grandchildren for your mother from you vagina.

I'd cut her loose.

SpeedyBojangles · 07/05/2019 15:57

There's no blaming hormones for this. I've been pregnant 3 times and my friends have been pregnant and never have I or they spoken to anyone like that, let alone a supposed friend.

I feel bad that she has made you feel like you need to justify your happiness in the way you did in your OP. Your choices are yours and need no explanation, least of all to someone who is supposed to be friend.

If it were me, I'd not reply to the text and I'd block her. You do not need this kind of person in your life. I mean, what she said aside, she sounds aggressive and volatile anyway, kicking off like that.

Nameisthegame · 07/05/2019 15:57

No idea where she’s coming from? You have a awesome relationship with your kids dss and you dm have a bounty of dg just because your missing the pleasure of having something massive tear out of you vag or be cut out of your tummy doesn’t make you any less of a mum.

Ignore her either she will come groveling back or she will realize how many friends you lose when you have kids and how keeping hold of the good ones is important.

HappyStep1 · 07/05/2019 15:57

Probably best to let this "friend" go. Selfish? How does that work?
As a step of two without children of my own I feel your anger and whilst no, I can't ever feel the love between a parent and their child, I take offence that this somehow makes me a lesser person.
I too have a great relationship with my DSC and greatly value this very special relationship.
My reasons and decisions around not having children are mine alone and I would not force these thoughts on a pregnant friend or call them such an appalling name in disagreement Shock

CupOhTea · 07/05/2019 15:59

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Drogosnextwife · 07/05/2019 16:03

That is one strange conversation, why does she feel she has the right to speak to you like that? Ok wouldn't be friends with someone who said something like that to me.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/05/2019 16:05

She sounds like an utter bitch, sorry to be blunt!

Agree that she is jealous of your life. Your decision of whether or not to have children is entirely your business and none of hers!

recrudescence · 07/05/2019 16:06

You would need the forgiveness of a saint to continue a friendship with this person.

Original poster
Daisydo48 · 07/05/2019 16:09

CupOhTea

Is it that obvious Grin

OP posts:
RedBerryTea · 07/05/2019 16:10

So she's never happy for you? Well what does that tell you OP?

SpeedyBojangles · 07/05/2019 16:10

CupOhTea

Is it that obvious

She/he is inferring that your post isn't genuine. There is always one on every thread in AIBU

Original poster
Daisydo48 · 07/05/2019 16:11

RedBerryTea

That she's definitely not a true friend nor is she someone who has my best interests at heart

OP posts:
MrsD333 · 07/05/2019 16:13

Definitely jealous. And she will be even more so when she’s having to do night feeds/change shitty nappies/doesn’t have a social life...etc...etc...

I don’t blame you for not wanting to speak to her. If it was me, I wouldn’t speak to her again. Ever.

Original poster
Daisydo48 · 07/05/2019 16:15

CupOfTea

Oh thank you it is very genuine. Might not all make sense but was sat on carpark angry typing trying to get my head around her outburst

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/05/2019 16:17

Is herbany planned! Just wondering if she's regretting going ahead with the pregnancy and is now trying to convince herself it's right because women have babies mad that means thry experience true love and blah blah blah.

But that's a bit of a leap, she just sounds jealous

gamerchick · 07/05/2019 16:17

I can think of a message and it ends in off but the grown up more effective thing would be to ignore and block her on everything. If she persists do the 'fuck off you toxic cunt' then

PillowTalker · 07/05/2019 16:18

Dear xxxx,

I'm not going to take your thoughts on my life into any consideration, my life is absolutely none of your business, your comments are not necessary or welcome and frankly not worth shit. Do you recall telling me all about the mistake I was making when I married DH?.... Well, that worked out to be true didn't it, and actually which one of us has been the one to have had a string of failed relationships in the intervening period.

I no longer want to continue with this friendship, not totally sure what's happened to make you think that talking to me in this way is acceptable but having spent some time thinking about it I've come to realise I don't actually care.

Best of luck with the baby, I hope it all goes well.

Don't contact me again, I will be blocking your number as soon as I've sent this message.

Daisy Do

CupOhTea · 07/05/2019 16:18

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