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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my husband wasn’t quite so nice!

76 replies

Sexnotgender · 06/05/2019 16:25

People knocked on our door asking for money to fix their bike.
DH said no but I’ll get my puncture repair kit.
They then ask him for food so I put together some non perishables. Breakfast cereal and soup etc.
Now he’s walking to Aldi with them to buy them groceries!
My big issue is he’s not taken his phone so he can’t contact me/help if he needs it.

I’m sure these people are lovely but it’s making me anxious!

OP posts:

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 06/05/2019 18:00

Yeah, gosh, charity is really dangerous and bad for people. I wish everyone would stop doing it

And from OP's username I'm guessing she isn't married to a sexist Neanderthal without being aware of it...

I think he sounds kind, if a little gullible but I'd rather be kind and a touch gullible than unkind and dismissive.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 06/05/2019 18:08

Usually I would say that your husband was a mug and that these people were scammers BUT I do think the context of him being a vicar puts a different slant on it.

The Bible EXPLICITLY says that you should give away your wordly possessions to the poor, that you should look after strangers (who might or might not be Jesus in disguise) and that you should not pass by on the other side of the street when you see someone in trouble. The Bible repeatedly makes it very clear that rich people are bad (and it doesn't mean "three superyachts and a racehorse" rich, it means "any more than the very basics of life and you are being greedy") and that you should give away ALL your money. God will look after you, as he looks after the lilies of the field.

So really, to have a profound religious calling, live in a house provided by the church, spend your sundays wearing a dogcollar and telling other people to be nicer to each other, and then get all pissy about forty quid's worth of shopping seems a bit hypocritical to me

NB: I am not a Christian, so I am not bound by its rules. But really, they are VERY clear on the whole money and charity thing, so I don't think it's possible to call yourself a christian and still get all Gollum-y over money.

adaline · 06/05/2019 18:09

Nice? Idiotic more likely!

Original poster

Sexnotgender · 06/05/2019 18:22

I’m definitely not married to a sexist Neanderthal!

Naive? Maybe, he tries to see the good in everyone.

He was very clear he wasn’t giving them money.

He took the time to fix their puncture, gave them some basic food from our cupboards and bought them some basics from Aldi then the information for the local food bank.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 06/05/2019 18:23

Here's what friends of mine in a similar situation do: give some immediate food, e.g. sandwich, plus help get referral to food bank.

HomeMadeMadness · 06/05/2019 18:25

I think he sounds kind, if a little gullible but I'd rather be kind and a touch gullible than unkind and dismissive.

This.

Pipsnips · 06/05/2019 18:31

People on here can be so heartless! It was a lovely, kind , humanitarian thing to do. If more people behaved like this the world would be a better place 💖

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 06/05/2019 18:36

I'd much rather be married to MrSexNotGender than 99% of the arses posted about on MN tbh. It's cheering to hear a positive story about a kind man.

This is quite apt really as the other day NDN asked DH if he had a bicycle pump. He went to help and after a hour or two little while, I wondered where he was and looked out of the window to see the bike pumped up and him doing their gardening for them. It did make me initially think as our own bloody garden needs doing but the NDN had such a little happy face, it made me feel a bit warm inside myself.

Hurrah for kind partners, I say. Just don't let them answer any calls from Microsoft about their faulty computer.

TeacupDrama · 06/05/2019 18:52

Actually it is not a requirement to give away all your wealth if you are a Christian and being rich is not a sin, but refusing help to the needy when you can give is, but we are expected to be wise
I think Op's DH did the right thing, he is not naive he is almost certainly aware that that may be chancers and that they may be spinning a yarn but he is choosing to help regardless that by his actions rather than words he speaks of the love of Christ for the lost
the bible says "the love of money is the root of evil" not that money is evil, acquiring or holding onto wealth must not come before God which is why the rich young ruler is condemned because he would rather have his wealth than God, and the man who planned to build bigger barns because of his crops, the sin was not building barns but his refusal to acknowledge God's goodness in giving him the opportunities that enabled him to become rich in the first place
As is often argued on MN riches tend to come through hard work but also luck in being given opportunities and cultural capital to enable this, the Christian would say the grace of God in being born in a stable home in a wealthy country with educational opportunities. It is not because you have greater merit than the child born in Yemen it is grace or luck or whatever
There are many rich people in the people Abraham Jacob David Joseph of Arimathea ( who gave his tomb for the burial of Jesus) and they are not condemned for being wealthy for they are using their wealth to good purpose there needs to be some rich people in order to give to the poor,
The Bible as said above does define rich as being better off than average not super rich, I perhaps would not go quite as far as poster to say anything above very basics is wrong; but the definition of rich is much closer to high rate taxpayer than multi millionaire. The problem is staying humble and grounded with riches and not thinking it makes you better than anyone else; the rich christian is no better than the unemployed christian and it should make no difference within the fellowship of the local church in regards to who is deemed more spiritual or who should have authority or decision making powers within the group
it says not many noble, wise or wealthy enter the kingdom of heaven it does not say not any
in proverbs it says let me not be so poor I am tempted to steal or so rich I am tempted to pride

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/05/2019 10:15

As an experienced vicar, working with the public for many years, maybe Mr SNG is capable of making a reasonable assessent on whether he should take a chance and give someone the benefit of the doubt and help them. Whilst it may be worrying for a spouse to watch, he's back safe and sound now.
Nothing wrong with his comment about hoping someone would do a good turn for his family if they were in trouble. It doesn't mean that he thinks they are incapable, merely that if they were in an unexpected predicament that people around them would respond helpfully and not turn their backs.

thelastgoldeneagle · 07/05/2019 10:18

I'd much rather be married to MrSexNotGender than 99% of the arses posted about on MN tbh. It's cheering to hear a positive story about a kind man.

Yes.

And what Porcupine says, too.

longwayoff · 07/05/2019 10:31

Lovely Christian sentiment in this page, well done all of you. If you're a vicar and live in a vicarage, people in need will knock on your door for help. Goes with the job.

Orlandointhewilderness · 07/05/2019 10:41

As the daughter of two vicars, this is par for the course! People really take the piss don't they. I just look the other way these days, as for every chancer there will be a genuine person in need. Like the abused woman who fled her violent husband and appeared at our door at 2AM when I was 15. I was (as happened a few times!) turfed out of bed so she could have a good nights sleep, then in the morning dad cooked her breakfast, gave her some basics and clothes and helped her go to the police and find a place in a refuge.

I love my parents, it's worth the occasional being taken in as they do so much good for people.

BlackPrism · 07/05/2019 15:00

I think him being a vicar makes a difference tbh - it's known that vicars tend to help the needy so I imagine that those in desperate need may contact him in the hopes of genuine Christian charity.

Whereas someone asking a random electrician or banker this at there door doesn't make sense and is 100% a scam.

namk · 07/05/2019 15:21

It's nice that you look back so fondly @Orlandointhewilderness, I wish I could too! My siblings and I were really messed up by it all.

I do wonder why the church didn't insist on more safeguarding. I hope they do better these days!

LaurieFairyCake · 07/05/2019 15:27

Totally normal for vicaring
for your dh

adaline · 07/05/2019 16:22

Lovely Christian sentiment in this page, well done all of you.

Not everyone is Christian, or even religious...

And there's a big difference between being charitable/helpful and putting yourself in a very vulnerable/potentially dangerous situation.

Dillydallyingthrough · 07/05/2019 16:30

I think he sounds kind, if a little gullible but I'd rather be kind and a touch gullible than unkind and dismissive.

This, I also think this thread is quite a sad reflection of society.

MaybeDoctor · 07/05/2019 16:49

I was mugged some years ago (in the dark, by one man with another waiting in a car) and the police came around to talk to me about it. The first thing the police officer did was to show me some pictures of 'known' individuals and ask if I recognised one of them.

Yes, picture number 1 was the homeless man to whom I had been giving spare change and having nice chats with outside our local convenience supermarket. Funnily enough I had actually spoken to him five minutes before the mugging happened, before I walked up the main road and turned off into my side-street that was clearly visible from where he was sitting...

longwayoff · 08/05/2019 06:55

Maybedoctor, had this man mugged you?

MaybeDoctor · 08/05/2019 07:04

He didn’t, but I wonder if he tipped off those who did by phone/text.

They were waiting around the corner of the side street with the engine running and a man in position on the pavement. It was a pretty big coincidence.

Either way, seeing my ‘vulnerable’ homeless man on the police photo presentation of known street robbers certainly changed my ideas on giving directly to street beggars. The police officer noted my reaction and said that I definitely shouldn’t be giving him money!

Moralitym1n1 · 08/05/2019 08:40

Try working/living in Cambridge - it really puts an end to your charitable inclinations; perpetual begging everywhere by addicts who've always 'not got the money for the bus' etc... You can't sit at a table outside a cafe in certain parts of town without being hassled for money; perfect example, I was approached and asked for money, I replied (quite honestly) that no had no change/money on me, he informed me there was a cash machine 'just over there', he said he needed food, I offered to take him to the nearest supermarket (Waitrose) and buy him what he wanted, hd said no, he had an appointment with his social worker somewhere else and couldn't/didn't want to carry the bags .... I declined to point out that I have to carry my grocery bags from the supermarket to home/on bus etc. He badgered, I declined to give him the money he was after. This is typical and constant, including the irony of watching them turn down food and hot drinks good Samaritans take around the doorways.
You LL also get constant charity collecting on the street that if you bother to googke not not to be charities. Some big issue sellers will tell you they have no change so you feel pressured to walk away without it rather than log buy the mag at all, and on and on ...

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 08/05/2019 08:54

Sad day on MN when the AIBU forum has someone asking if they're DH is too nice! I swear men can't do anything right! (I'm a woman by the way!)

namk · 08/05/2019 10:53

Actually I think it was a stealth boast, so no need to feel sad.

Number3or4 · 08/05/2019 11:43

Op I think your dh is kind and brave. He did a risk assessment and left his phone, what he did wrong was not tell you this. For next time, I would ask him roughly how long he expects to be gone for and have an agreed time to search for him/ call the police.

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