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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you are NC, what happens when parents are elderly...

71 replies

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 14:16

We are NC and low contact with DHs parents (they are divorced). Various and typical reasons for both - constant unpleasant remarks, boundaries are a slight against them, lying and manipulative behaviour, creating (imaginary) conflicts, unsafe and dysfunctional behaviour around DC and basically a lot of their lives were about deriding me. I won't go into details as they are very outing, but we didn't take the decision lightly - it was the only thing that we could do to protect our family.

We've now been NC for 5 years. I never thought it would continue for so long but asides receiving about 3 nasty messages about me there has been zero attempt to re-establish contact.

If you are NC, what do you do when parents or ILs are elderly? I do a lot for my family and know how much care elderly people need. Their behaviour almost drove me to a breakdown.

OP posts:

IsYourGoogleBroken · 06/05/2019 14:18

Presumably you stay NC and wait for the inheritance ?

DoomOnTheBroom · 06/05/2019 14:20

If you are NC, what do you do when parents or ILs are elderly? I do a lot for my family and know how much care elderly people need. Their behaviour almost drove me to a breakdown.

We're NC with MIL and have been for six years.

Our plan for when she is elderly is the same as our plan for now - no contact. As sad as it is to say it, we owe her nothing and she has no right to expect any sort of support from us. Her behaviour and her actions created this situation so the consequences are her own fault.

QuiteChic · 06/05/2019 14:21

Why do you feel/think you have to do anything ?
We’re NC with OH parent. We assume they are still alive as we haven’t heard to the contrary, but neither of us feel any guilt. They pushed us into this position.

Driftingthoughlife · 06/05/2019 14:23

They rep what they sow and have to get whatever help from social services or the nhs entitles them to.
My friends mum was a right bitch to her growing up, emotional abusive and sometimes physical. Did her best to ruin my friends relationship and then wedding. The final straw came when she called my friend daughter fat and ugly just like her mother. My friend went none contact.

A year ago her mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and now is trying to get my friend to help her. My friend says she can rot in hell and I don’t blame her. Her mother has no one to blame but herself

pessimisticstateofperception · 06/05/2019 14:23

I'm NC with the cunt who gave birth to me.

She is old and frail and ill so I'm told. I couldn't give 2 fucks, I'll be happy when she dies and won't feel the need to do anything at all while she is alive, or when she dies.

MoreCookiesPlease · 06/05/2019 14:26

You remain NC.

Has DH got any siblings?

Mayalready · 06/05/2019 14:28

Me and dh are both nc with our dps. No reason on earth anything will alter that....

Towerofjoyless · 06/05/2019 14:29

Does your DH have any siblings who still keep contact? If so, this is maybe something he should discuss with them at some point in the future, seeing as their care will be all on any siblings to do. If not, then fuck them. I have been NC with my mum for almost 20 years, she has two other children from a later relationship (although as far as I know, one of them has cut contact with her too). I have no contact either with my step-siblings, so the next time I expect to hear anything about her (prob via relatives on social media) is when she's pushing up the daisies.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 06/05/2019 14:30

I sympathise with OP. These types of posts make me sad and angry on behalf of the OP.

You and your family are the ones who have suffered because of the parents, and you say they've made no attempt to apologise or fix the relationship. Because you are a good person with a conscience, you are concerned about what will happen to them in their old age.

As someone has already said, you reap what you sow. They cannot expect you to care for them, or help them, if they have shown no remorse or changed their ways.

Please don't suffer at their hands anymore by worrying or feeling guilty about what you should or shouldn't do for them. You are NOT the one who should feel bad!

Seeleyboo · 06/05/2019 14:31

You stay as you are. My DM died after 11 year NC and I dont care. Didn't attend funeral either.

Original poster

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 14:32

DH is an only child, so noone else to help. I guess my worry would be DH feeling guilty (we haven't spoken about it, and I don't think he actually would). DH initiated the NC is both circumstances and has been very supportive.

They've been as reckless with the rest of their lives as they have been with us so I'm assuming they will be relying on the government or council or help.

OP posts:

Beamur · 06/05/2019 14:32

I think you remain NC.
I'm LC with my Dad and have no intention of looking after him when he gets old.

Drum2018 · 06/05/2019 14:33

Why do you think you'd have to do anything? How will you even know if they need care if you are NC?

Original poster

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 14:34

Final straw was MIL saying she wished DC had never been born which I guess is as final enough to leave it for good now...

OP posts:

Mascarponeandwine · 06/05/2019 14:34

What happens in practice though? When the hospital want to discharge an elderly sick person, and they have no next of kin, and no one that social services can try to push care on to? Do the social arrange help? or is the person just chucked out, put in a cab and sent off into the night?

DoomOnTheBroom · 06/05/2019 14:36

For us and our situation I'd say that's not our problem. I'd give it no more thought than a hospital choosing to discharge a stranger.

Original poster

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 14:37

Drum - sometimes other (dysfunctional) family members will get in contact with me (not DH) via letter or Facebook with requests for information or pictures. Clearly happens when they have run out of things to talk about it so they can start another round of complaints about me. I'm assuming the same would happen if any care was needed.

OP posts:

Mascarponeandwine · 06/05/2019 14:42

DoomontheBroom no it’s not your problem. I just wondered what actually happens . Do SS made it their problem, do they try to track down relatives, or do they just do nothing at all.

Original poster

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 14:42

UserThenLotsOfNumbers and other posters - thanks this is really kind. Our family did massively suffer for a long time and tried to do the right thing multiple times. You are right, they need to live with their decisions. I would walk over glass for DC.

OP posts:

Becca19962014 · 06/05/2019 14:45

I'm in the opposite situation (I'm the one who is ill not them).

My condition has badly deteriorated. I've no contact with my abusive family. Both the NHS and social services refuse to accept this unless they've been put into prison for abuse (they weren't) and as a consequence I'm being pressured to rely upon them for help - social services have recorded the name of an abusive ex as my carer as well as my family and tell NHS I'm "refusing to engage with them". Both have contacted my "lovely" family to ask them to collect me from hospital and care for me if I've been there, resulting in some nasty situations. When I complained that was when I was told they needed proof of abuse as anyone could claim they didn't have anyone to help and take services away from those who genuinely needed them.

I need an operation and have been told I must go back to them to recover as services aren't for people like me but those who need them and I'm being selfish. If I did that I'd be back in the position I was as a child with zero means of escape this time but no one gives a shit about that.

So to those saying let NHS/social services help it's not as simple as that. Or isn't for me anyway.

Terrified doesn't start to cover how I feel.

Mayalready · 06/05/2019 14:49

Me and dh both only dc. Still be nc....

BigChocFrenzy · 06/05/2019 14:55

becca That's horrific
Have you contacted PALS at your hospital, to see if they can help ?

www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Patient-advice-and-liaison-services-(PALS)/LocationSearch/363

Original poster

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 14:58

Becca - no practical advice except to wish you a very speedy recovery whatever the circumstances end up being. It feels very archaic to insist family is responsible when you no longer wish to be in contact with them.

OP posts:

Mascarponeandwine · 06/05/2019 15:01

Family is not responsible though are they. It’s not like SS can call the cops and have you arrested for not providing care for another adult. Sounds like bullying tactics all round which is so unfair when you’re ill and vulnerable.

Becca19962014 · 06/05/2019 15:20

PALs advised I complained which I did, but the fact is I've no proof of what has happened and that where I am the assumption is if you are not married and don't have anyone else (I don't) then your family will unless they refuse - in my case they want my benefits so are doing all they can to get me back (and what they consider to be benefits is nothing like what I actually get, they also think they can get rent money for example). One of the (minor) problems I had when there was they'd take everything I earnt/open all my post, zero independence - there's no way I'd get away again, it was hellishly difficult when I was well (the operation isn't to fix my physical disabilties but another illness entirely)

I was actually told last time I was in hospital that they'd rung and spoken to my family and, they sounded so lovely and caring it must just have been a "misunderstanding".

I'm sorry for slightly derailing your thread op that wasn't my intention!

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