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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you are NC, what happens when parents are elderly...

71 replies

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 14:16

We are NC and low contact with DHs parents (they are divorced). Various and typical reasons for both - constant unpleasant remarks, boundaries are a slight against them, lying and manipulative behaviour, creating (imaginary) conflicts, unsafe and dysfunctional behaviour around DC and basically a lot of their lives were about deriding me. I won't go into details as they are very outing, but we didn't take the decision lightly - it was the only thing that we could do to protect our family.

We've now been NC for 5 years. I never thought it would continue for so long but asides receiving about 3 nasty messages about me there has been zero attempt to re-establish contact.

If you are NC, what do you do when parents or ILs are elderly? I do a lot for my family and know how much care elderly people need. Their behaviour almost drove me to a breakdown.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/05/2019 21:35

Presumably you stay NC and wait for the inheritance?

I'm fairly certain that if you accept inheritance you alsp accept debts etc. to sort out.

CarolDanvers · 06/05/2019 21:37

My sister, who never stuck up for me, who generally went along with their shit but expected me to be supportive when they pissed her off, can deal with them. They're all hers.

lyralalala · 06/05/2019 21:46

I'm fairly certain that if you accept inheritance you alsp accept debts etc. to sort out.

The executor or administrator sorts that out. And you don't have to be either in order to inherit.

Obviously though if it falls to a solicitor then there are costs involved which would come out of any inheritance.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/05/2019 22:42

Excellent advice from PPs, but just to add a word about executors of a will ...

If you find out that he's appointed your DH as executor when he dies - unlikely, but it happens - do be aware that he doesn't have to do it. He'd have to formally "resign", but it's perfectly do-able and the job certainly isn't an obligation

4LetterWord · 06/05/2019 22:47

You occasionally check the obits to see if they are alive.

LittleRedMushroom · 06/05/2019 22:55

Op - what exactly are you worried about? That you will be expected to care for them?

Yubaba · 06/05/2019 23:10

My mum has been NC with my grandmother for 20 years, she’s rotting in a nursing home with dementia and it couldn’t happen to a nicer person.
My mum has severe mental health issues as a result of her mother’s treatment of her and I will never forgive her.
My mother’s sister and brother see no issues with the way my mum was treated and are the golden children so they deal with everything and will probably inherit the lot.

northernstars · 06/05/2019 23:18

My parents are divorced and I've been nc with both of them for over 20 years now. They are just people I used to know. I'll know through my sisters if and when they die. Fuckers will probably live forever though.

Slomi · 06/05/2019 23:25

I'm NC with my abusive father for years. He will die a lonely old man most likely reliant on the state as not one of his kids will have anything to do with him. If he won the lottery tomorrow I wouldn't take a penny from him, he is vile. I also would not risk exposing my DC to someone like that just because they have grown old and infirm. I hope you and your DH find peace with your decision and do not feel guilt. You do not owe them anything.

TreacherousPissFlap · 07/05/2019 07:45

One day you receive a call to say that your father is dead. There will be no last minute death bed apologies (despite him knowing he was dying) and definitely no inheritance.

You will feel odd about it for a day or so, then move on with life as normal. At least that's how it was for me

scaryteacher · 07/05/2019 10:15

We have been nc with dh's mother for about 8 years now - we communicate when necessary through solicitors (that is, she raises a legal issue and we spend money to stop it happening). Dh has no intention of attending her funeral, although I might go and take my adult ds, if he wants to go.

She has alienated her sons, dils and all her grandchildren. Either we are all wrong, or it's her, and I don't think it's us.

scaryteacher · 07/05/2019 10:20

Pressed send too soon! I have no intention of offering any sort of care for mil; at present we are abroad, and when we move home, we will be about 200 miles away from her. I will have my own elderly mother to deal with.

Mil has lied about us, threatened us with Court, and the minute anybody threatens me and mine with legal action, they are right off my Christmas card list, let alone caring for them if they are unwell and need help. She chose her path, so she walks it alone as far as I'm concerned. She knew precisely what she was doing...what she didn't expect was that we wouldn't play ball and fall into line.

Hearhere · 07/05/2019 10:25

@Becca, what you describe sounds absolutely terrible could you start your own thread to get some support and suggestions for her to deal with this?

As to the OP's question, well it's not your problem is it you don't have a duty of care towards your parents, probably best if you don't live near them though

GrasswillbeGreener · 07/05/2019 10:55

I can think of a couple of examples of this within my own family. One is more sad than anything else. My dad had some contact with his second cousins, 2 of whom were the only relatives who lived in the same city as us. These sisters used to go to the opera regularly etc, one unmarried, one widowed. Towards the end of her life the unmarried one became quite paranoid and eventually wouldn't even let her sister in / answer calls etc. She was eventually found when she had been dead for some months. Not a lot anyone could have done sadly.

The other case is more like others have posted - we were NC with my grandmother after my great grandmother died. Not entirely deliberately - my mother had tried with some difficulty to keep an open door but when Christmas cards were returned to sender because they'd moved and not told us an address (both Dad's mother and siblings in fact), that was that and it was no loss. Some 25+ years later, my parents get a call from my oldest cousin, explaining that (age 90+), grandma was in the early stages of dementia and they thought perhaps my dad would be ready to take a turn looking after her. My parents put cousin straight about a few things that had happened ... and exactly why there was no way we were making any contribution of any sort to looking after someone who had given us nothing. We did eventually find out that she had died, but it was merely a piece of information, with no emotional effect at all.

Those of you who are NC with parents for good reasons, do not need to feel guilt over what happens at the end of their lives.

Hearhere · 07/05/2019 11:18

Hopefully if you are no contact with your parents they will realise that there is no next of kin support for them and this will prompt them to organise things well in advance and do what they can to make sure that they are living in suitable accommodation etc

I have the impression that people of my parents generation felt that they could rely on the unconditional loyalty and respect of their children regardless of whether they had earned that respect and loyalty

Hoppinggreen · 07/05/2019 11:19

I remained NC with my father until he died.
Didn’t go visit him in the hospital when he was dying ( apparently genuinely this time) and didn’t go to the funeral
No regrets at all

WhatWouldLeighAnneTwohyDo · 07/05/2019 12:03

Supporting elderly parents is hard enough when they are in genuine difficulty, cooperative and grateful. The sort of parent one would go NC with makes support a living hell ime. It's natural to question your decision in the context of their advancing years, but a bad idea to reverse it imo.

Hearhere · 07/05/2019 12:10

It is psychologically harmful to have to care for someone who has abused you

PregnantSea · 07/05/2019 12:45

You either remain NC or you get back in touch and start looking after them. It really is one of those things where it's 100% your decision and there is no right or wrong answer.

Most people I know well enough to know my family background are quite shocked that I bother at all with my mum and my biological father. Neither of them really deserve anything from me. But I decided that I want my kids to know who their grandparents are since they won't be around forever, and as I live on a different continent to them it's not so bad staying in contact because they can't do much damage to my life purely over WhatsApp/Skype. I only call them once every few months and I can switch them off whenever I need to lol.

This was my own decision and I'm comfortable with it. I could have just as easily cut them out, but after weighing it up I decided that it wasn't what I wanted.

I guess this isn't advice lol. My point is that when it comes to woefully inadequate parents you should just do what feels right for you. Make your decision and then stand by it. Don't be guilt tripped into anything, but equally don't cut your nose off to spite your face. If you think your guilt would be worse than having to put up with a bit of contact with them then make your own life easier and go and see them.

Tell other people to shove their opinions up their arse and go with your gut.

woodpigeons · 07/05/2019 12:55

I don’t know if this will help but I am very low contact with my mother who is very old and has dementia. Just going through the motions really.
She’s OK where’s she’s living but I don’t know how long it can continue.
I don’t live near her and am too unwell to travel. My DH visits her occasionally. We will be informed if things change.
When my sibling died I became her only living relative apart from grandchildren and great grandchildren So I became her next of kin.
I found out what this means and it isn’t very much.
If I don’t have Power of Attorney, which I don’t, I cannot make any decisions about her care. As she is not competent Social Services will be the ones to make these decisions if necessary.
I think if she was terminally ill I would be asked to make decisions about any further treatment if she was unable to make them herself. That’s all the input I would be legally allowed to have.
Likewise, as I have no responsibility for her, I cannot be made to look after her.
I will accept the responsibility of making sure she is OK as I feel that is my duty but that’s all I will do. I know she wanted to stay where she is and I hope she dies before she has to make a distressing move.
But that’s all I can do. I cannot give her anything else. I have spent my life dealing with the effects of how she treated me.
I found Age Concern helpline very good at answering my questions and explaining what being next of kin actually involves.

Becca19962014 · 07/05/2019 13:29

hear I did have one awhile ago, it's really hard for people to understand though. Epecially how manipulative my parents are in terms of contact with agencies. Also I've major medical phobia so being in hospital is terrifying for me anyway, and no one I've mentioned that to in RL has managed to hear about it without smirking at me.

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