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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you are NC, what happens when parents are elderly...

71 replies

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 14:16

We are NC and low contact with DHs parents (they are divorced). Various and typical reasons for both - constant unpleasant remarks, boundaries are a slight against them, lying and manipulative behaviour, creating (imaginary) conflicts, unsafe and dysfunctional behaviour around DC and basically a lot of their lives were about deriding me. I won't go into details as they are very outing, but we didn't take the decision lightly - it was the only thing that we could do to protect our family.

We've now been NC for 5 years. I never thought it would continue for so long but asides receiving about 3 nasty messages about me there has been zero attempt to re-establish contact.

If you are NC, what do you do when parents or ILs are elderly? I do a lot for my family and know how much care elderly people need. Their behaviour almost drove me to a breakdown.

OP posts:

lyralalala · 06/05/2019 15:32

In reality you have to get very good at saying no. To hospital staff, social workers and other relatives who have decided that the past should be forgotten because they are now ill.

In your DH's case he needs to have a think about things and work out what he thinks he will want.

In my case I wanted nothing. I wouldn't visit the hospice, I wouldn't discuss him with staff, I wouldn't organise (or pay for) a funeral, I wouldn't be having my name in death/funeral notices and I wouldn't be attending said funeral.

I'm now NC with several other family members because of their pressuring. I also reported a nurse to her bosses for comments she made about being sure there was a "misunderstanding" and saying "But he's so nice, are you sure?" when I said that you can't misunderstand being battered and starved as a child and you can't misunderstand seeing your sibling burnt on the hand with an iron.

JMoore · 06/05/2019 16:05

My cousin was NC with his mother (my aunt). She had been divorced for many years and had driven pretty much everyone else away with her bitterness and selfish behaviour. Her meddling led to the breakdown of my cousin's marriage. I had minimal contact with her but lived in a different country.

What happened in the end was that she died in her apartment and was only found after the neighbours noticed the smell. Cousin did not attend the funeral.

CurtainsOpen · 06/05/2019 16:08

Fuck 'em. They made their bed, they can lie in it.

qazxc · 06/05/2019 16:14

They are adults, they are responsible for themselves.
They will either have to make provisions for their old age or take whatever official assistance they are entitled to.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/05/2019 16:17

I would have a conversation with your dh about what you would be willing to do (if anything) in the future, so that if/ when they become unwell suddenly, you don't accidentally agree to more than you intend to. You will need to be very clear with social services/ NHS about what you are and aren't willing to do. Don't agree anything on the spur of the moment, always discuss together first. If you decide you intend to have zero involvement, that is fine.

CatManIsInHisDressingGownAgain · 06/05/2019 16:19

We are NC with my BIL and worry about having to resume contact if something happens to MIL. In my stubborn head I think we'll just stay as we are but obviously once sick parents come into it we'll have to tolerate him some what. No doubt he'll just do what he did when FIL died. Turn up, take what's valuable then leave us to sort out all the crap.

thankyourforthemusic · 06/05/2019 16:20

Remain NC
They will need to make there own arrangements.
It's something I've thought about as I'm nc with my dad it's unlikely he will get to old age what with being a heavy smoker and already had a triple bypass.
It's something I'll have to deal with in time .

Mayalready · 06/05/2019 16:33

I know my dm has a funeral plan all paid. And df has sm who won big ££££ so she can pay for his!!

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 06/05/2019 16:39

Presumably you stay NC and wait for the inheritance ?

This sums it up really... You just wait

Omzlas · 06/05/2019 16:52

I've been NC with my egg donor for years.

I only want to know when she dies so I can have a big old party. No further action needed.

I had emergency surgery a few years ago and had the hospital told me they were calling her, I'd have discharged myself there and then. Over my dead body do I want anything to do with her, I refuse to even breathe the same oxygen as her.

Original poster

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 17:47

Thanks for replies. I guess having missed out on years of birthdays and celebrations, first days of school etc we wouldn't have any cause to resume contact or try and help. I'll talk to DH tonight about it.

Also, DH and I are not banking on any inheritance, am basically expecting debts or something else equally horrible to sort out.

OP posts:

floraloctopus · 06/05/2019 17:52

Presumably you stay NC and wait for the inheritance ?

You wait, yes. As for the inheritance, well you wouldn't want if it they were that vile would you?

ForalltheSaints · 06/05/2019 18:00

The only additional thing I would suggest is knowing where they are, so if you change your mind you can, and if you don't, you can keep away from them.

Original poster

Teacupldn · 06/05/2019 18:04

floraloctopus - inheritance was part of the reason we went NC. Outing, but basically DH and DC were being put in front of wealthy elderly relatives by FIL under the guise of 'if you help me it will all go to them'. FIL is lazy, selfish and dishonest and I know he won't leave us a penny. I really couldn't stomach the manipulation of elderly people. I think it would be fair for what he got to go to us, but we both know it never will.

OP posts:

floraloctopus · 06/05/2019 18:07

They don't sound very pleasant people to be around.

EL8888 · 06/05/2019 18:14

Nothing. You do nothing. They are now slightly older unpleasant people at the end of the day. Serves them right for their behaviour if they don't get any family support. Your MIL sounds like a charmer

Sn0tnose · 06/05/2019 18:14

am basically expecting debts or something else equally horrible to sort out.

No my lovely, this isn’t your problem either unless you decide to step in to deal with it. If you have decided that nc is permanent, then you don’t do anything. If social services or a hospital ever call you to inform you that she needs care, you tell them that you are nc and want nothing to do with her or her care. Tell them this every time they call. If someone phones you to tell you that she has died, you tell them that you were nc and have no interest in her or her estate.

I do understand the position you’re in. I was nc with my father when he died.

SpamChaudFroid · 06/05/2019 18:20

You wait, yes. As for the inheritance, well you wouldn't want if it they were that vile would you?

I certainly wouldn't say no to any inheritance from my NC "mother". I would see it as compensation.

OP, I can only agree with what most have said and say carry on with the NC. It's highly unlikely they'll start treating you decently just because they're now elderly. It's shit though, innit.

bamboofibre · 06/05/2019 18:27

He needs to get a script in place because if FIL gets ill he'll pull a stunt to get the hospital to contact him.

lyralalala · 06/05/2019 18:29

am basically expecting debts or something else equally horrible to sort out.

If you think that's how it will likely be make sure you and your DH have a look into 'intermeddling in an estate'.

If there is only debts and messiness to sort then do not put yourselves in a position of having to be executor.

I certainly wouldn't say no to any inheritance from my NC "mother". I would see it as compensation.

Exactly this.

The only reason I declined the money I was left by my so called father was because two people I went NC with over their treatment of me when he became ill (tried to bully me into visiting, expected me to contribute to the funeral costs, included me and my children in the death notice in the paper despite the fact he wasn't a 'beloved father' and he'd never met my kids) were the executors and I wasn't prepared to deal with them.

LouRinging · 06/05/2019 18:44

I'm NC with my birth mother and have been for 25+ years. Her and her husband abused us.
I'll be dancing with joy if I hear they are dead. The world will be a better place with them not in it.

oneforthepain · 06/05/2019 18:48

I was actually told last time I was in hospital that they'd rung and spoken to my family and, they sounded so lovely and caring it must just have been a "misunderstanding".

God, some people are so ignorant. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that on top of everything else.

SisyphusHadItEasy · 06/05/2019 19:08

I remained NC. Found out she had passed via a FB message.

Drum2018 · 06/05/2019 19:55

Drum - sometimes other (dysfunctional) family members will get in contact with me (not DH) via letter or Facebook with requests for information or pictures. Clearly happens when they have run out of things to talk about it so they can start another round of complaints about me. I'm assuming the same would happen if any care was needed

In that case you block all these relatives and ignore all mail, emails etc. Go NC with the lot of them. Don't engage at along, let alone send information or photos.

Gth1234 · 06/05/2019 21:22

if you really mean it, you have to be strong.

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