To tell him to tell her or I will?

[isobel93]

So name change in case of YNW.
I really need advice. In January, my DP's best friend split from my best friend after 11 years. I am friends with both of them still, but feel that ultimately my loyalties are with her when it comes down to it. He was a bit of a masoginistic arsehole to her for the last few years they've been together. Emotional blackmail and shite like that. They have two beautiful kiddos, whom we look after a lot.

Last night, the bloke got pissed (I remember it all because I am 6 mths pregnant so I was the designated driver) and told me he slept with the ex's best friend. Who she has now moved across the road from. He got annoyed at me then because I wasn't telling him it was okay and she wouldn't care...
They are like sisters. She had been slightly paranoid a few weeks back when she heard they were at a party together and asked them both were they with eachother to which they replied absolutely no, never in a million years would they do that to her.
They lied.
I'm now minding the kids today, while she is working, she arrived this morning after being with said best friend last night 'having great craic' and I feel like a horrible person because I am stuck in the middle of the two.
Was IBU last night to tell him to tell her or else I will??
What do I do??? PLEASE HELP.
Note: I am not close to this other one, have always felt she was a bit of a snake.

I'd tell her. It'll come out eventually and she'll feel worse knowing you knew.

Obviously it's none of her business who her ex shags now they've split but it's not nice when it's close to home and concealed.

I'd tell her, because her friend isn't a proper friend if she screwed her misogynistic twat of an ex.

He's a scumbag for going with her friend too!

no you really need to tell her. your loyalty is to her. I'd do it when I know she isn't about to drive or not while picking/dropping off kids. I'd do it face to face, too.

It's no one elses business.

(a) they are no longer in a relationship so who either of them sleeps with is really irrelevant

(b) if the ONS took place whilst their relationship was ongoing - what do you hope to achieve by raking up the past?

You aren't doing any of this for altruistic reasons. Who made you God, Judge and Jury to give another consenting adult ultimatums on what you think they should do? SMH

they are no longer in a relationship so who either of them sleeps with is really irrelevant

Is that right? So if you separated from an emotionally abusive man, poured your heart out about him to your best friend and she then slept with him, without saying a word to you but contributing your friendship as normal you would be ok with that?

Really?

Continuing not contributing!

Given the history of emotional abuse i'd to make absolutely sure that it was true and he wasn't trying to alienate her from two of her closest friends before I said anything.

If i was sure of it then I think I would tell her.

@IsYourGoogleBroken*
That's fair enough, we all have different opinions. But she has been through their whole relationship with them basically, she knows what he's done to her, she slept with him and then told her she didn't. She's her best friend.
Your opinion is that they're doing nothing wrong.. which is not what I asked for. I asked whether I tell my best friend or not. You won't change the fact that I think what they did was wrong- there's no question in my mind that it was. But thanks for trying 😊

@limitedscreentime*
But how do I do this? I know for a fact if the shoe was on the other foot she'd let me know, not just because of how close we are but because of the way she is. I think he knew what he was doing when he told me despite how many drinks he had, and if I don't say something and he tells her, he'll tell her that myself and my partner knew and said nothing. He also told another couple who were with us last night, one of whom is my best pal. She thinks he was doing it as a tactical move- so basically he wanted someone else up shit creek with him!

Google has missed the point: it's not about the ex, it's about the friend.

You should most definitely tell her, that f she found out that you knew and never said she would be even more devastated,

Her friend and ex are a massive sir of cunts
She will thank you for telling her
They're basically humiliating her

I'd tell her because that woman is not her friend. She deserves better than to have sneaky people in her life who are sabotaging her behind her back. She needs to know not to trust her.

The only thing I can think is to try and speak to the best friend. In person if you know where she lives. If you tell your friend and it's not true then that's a lot more emotion she'll have to deal with on top of everything else, and unnecessarily.

You need to tell her.

After 11 years she's still going to be hurt, by both of them, but I imagine she's poured her heart out to the snake and IMO it would be wrong to let her keep doing that (because she's not going to be over an eleven years relationship in a few months and probably still talks about him!) while snake-friend hmms and hahhs and sympathises as when it does come out, she will feel humiliated anyway, but if she knows youve known about this and let her continue that she will feel betrayed by you as well.

Poor woman.

I think you need to tell her. When she finds out, and I suspect she will, these things have a habit of coming out (and I think he wants to talk about it and have it all hit the fan!), she will be hurt if she knows you knew and didn’t say. Be prepared that initially she may ‘shoot the messenger’ but probably be grateful in the long term.

@InTheHeatofLisbon I should hope my mates weren't gossips - because if they gossip about someone else they'd be gossiping about me. The inability of people to mind their own business astounds me - fat too much reading of exposes in the News of the World to the point they think spill all is appropriate. Switch off the JK

@Isobel93 I asked whether I tell my best friend or not. - and what if because ther is always a what if they get back together and you've been stirring the pot. His sex life is his business, it is his prerogative whether to tell her or not.

@DisplayPurposesOnlyno I haven't missed the point - I don't gossip, I have a little more class and dignity to scuttle about gleefully distributing tittle tattle.

One off shag and the OP cant wait to blow the friendship group apart. Why do people think they have the right to do this? I don't understand it. Your own partner wont thank you for it either, you will ruin his relationship with his best mate. You will be the pariah in the group..... actually the closer I read ….. Dh and his best mate, you describe the ExP as your best friend and yet she has a different best friend to you. Are you sure you aren't just trying to edge out the other woman from the group so you can monopolise the ExP ? The messenger always gets shot in these situations.

IsYourGoogleBroken let me get this right, shagging your mate's abusive ex is just fine, someone talking about your behaviour isn't?

And you have the cheek to take the moral high ground with anyone? Ahahahaha that's funny. No idea what JK is, but if it's relevant to the news of the world I'd imagine it's in the gutter along with your moral compass.

I agree that this is more manipulation from him and trying to find ways to exert control.

So take his power away and don't agonise over it.

I don't know your friend, but I'd be inclined to make sure I delivered it in a calm way with emphasis on him doing this to try and manipulate and control her. It's all a game to him; he gets a kick out of feeling "powerful" by interfering with other people's wellbeing.

She'll have more power herself, and take the wind out of his sails, if she can make it look to him like she couldn't care less (whether she cries or rages or both privately with you is different, of course!).

Good luck.

It's not about his "sex life", it's about taking away his power to use this to inflict pain and disruption on a woman he appears intent on continuing to abuse from afar.

Tell her.

I'd be utterly livid if no one told me in a similar situation.

It's not even about him for me, it's about a friend who puts a quick fuck with a so called friend's ex over her loyalty to her friend.

Not someone I'd want to have in my life. OPs friend deserves that choice!

No @intheheatof - I don't tend to have ONS I have considerably more dignity and class but I accept in the spirit of MN this seems to be the done thing - I have a moral compass - I don't gossip, I don't get my jollies gossiping about other peoples sex lives. Obviously you are wilfully misinterpreting, maybe you should go back and read more slowly, I think I punctuate clearly enough to enable most people to understand. But to spell it out for you:

Don't gossip - it will bit you on the arse. Gossip inflicts pain. Gossipers gossip because they like to come at things from a position of power ie "I know something you don't know". Gossipers don't tell tales for the greater good, they do it because they have that power over someone life. Gossips are generally cunts.

Tell her. I once made the mistake of telling him and giving him a day to tell her. All it did was give him time to come up with a story, lie cheat and suggest I was shit stirring. I phoned her after the day and asked her if her dh, as he was, had spoken to her. She said he had said there was some horrible rumours going round about him and I had started them.....luckily, she is not stupid and heard me out. I also had photo evidence.

I agree that gossip is nasty and uncalled for.

However, lying to your friend's face playing the supportive pal while shagging her ex for kicks is pretty abhorrent. I wouldn't consider telling her to be gossip, it would only become that if OP was telling everyone around bar the friend.

I don't have ONS either, not my thing. But I don't think that makes me any better or worse than anyone else.

If the best friend denies it will she believe you or her OP? Do you believe him or do you think he is just trying to goad you. It will ruin your friendship with her, impact on the relationship with your DH and his mate and your relationship with their children. If the ex gets together with the best friend then it would be reasonable to assume he and dh will expect you to socialise together. How will that go?