To tell him to tell her or I will?

[isobel93]

So name change in case of YNW.
I really need advice. In January, my DP's best friend split from my best friend after 11 years. I am friends with both of them still, but feel that ultimately my loyalties are with her when it comes down to it. He was a bit of a masoginistic arsehole to her for the last few years they've been together. Emotional blackmail and shite like that. They have two beautiful kiddos, whom we look after a lot.

Last night, the bloke got pissed (I remember it all because I am 6 mths pregnant so I was the designated driver) and told me he slept with the ex's best friend. Who she has now moved across the road from. He got annoyed at me then because I wasn't telling him it was okay and she wouldn't care...
They are like sisters. She had been slightly paranoid a few weeks back when she heard they were at a party together and asked them both were they with eachother to which they replied absolutely no, never in a million years would they do that to her.
They lied.
I'm now minding the kids today, while she is working, she arrived this morning after being with said best friend last night 'having great craic' and I feel like a horrible person because I am stuck in the middle of the two.
Was IBU last night to tell him to tell her or else I will??
What do I do??? PLEASE HELP.
Note: I am not close to this other one, have always felt she was a bit of a snake.

I don't think it's gossip to tell a friend that one of her friends is not honest with her.

I assume your friends know your stance on this, as mine do mine. OP will know best which category her friend falls into.

You should tell her, tonight.

She needs friends she can trust.

It’s a horrible thing to have to do, but it’s worse not to do it.

can no one else see that this is the beh of an emotional manipulator - he is basically trying to get people "on his side" to isolate her and leave her with no one

I say this is all down to his behaviour and him continuing to emotionally manipulate/abuse her

@IsYourGoogleBroken*
Hahahaha are you messing? I can assure you that myself and her are very comfortable in our friendship that we have other friends😂
I have a couple of best friends and I am old enough not to give a shite who my friends are friends with. Pray tell me, what am I meant to do when she comes to me and says why didn't you tell me? What happens to my friendship with her then??? You seem to have all the answers so please enlighten me as to what I should do.

If his sex life is only his business and shouldn't be spoken about, then he shouldn't be sharing it with his exes best friend.

What person in their right mind would think to tell their exes best friend this information and it not make it's way back to them?

OP didn't start this, he did by putting her in a shitty position.

I'd tell her so she can make an informed decision as to who she counts as a friend.

Just to clear something up- my partner thinks he's a gobshite for what he has done and told him so last night, said he was stupid and it was unfair to tell me as I'm good friends with both of them. I've asked his advice, it's not a secret between us how uncomfortable this has made me feel and he is stumped as to what to do too because he has known the best mate and the ex for years.

Am I the only person in the world who would prefer not to be told?

Alsohuman if it is as a random stranger, no I wouldn't want to be told.

But would you not want to know if one of your closest friends was lying to you?

I'd feel like a complete idiot if I found out later on and I'd continued to confide etc. in this woman whilst no one had told me what was actually going on.

I would tell her isobel. You know that your friend (the ex) asked specifically if they'd been together at the party. They both lied to her. If they felt that they'd done nothing wrong then why not come clean? They both owed that to her.

For me, I don't have friends who would sleep with my exes, nor me with theirs. It's just grizzly behaviour and people who do are just lacking. That's my opinion.

If it was a stranger I wouldn't want to know, no. If it was someone playing games while pretending to be a friend, I definitely would. If only to get her out of my life!

I HATE being put in this situation. It's happened to me before and it's happening to me now (a different scenario). The person who told me a secret that would effect our mutual friend swore me to secrecy BEFORE I knew what I was swearing too. Having been here before I was really angry. I told them they shouldn't have told me something I can't pass on to our dear friend.

@InTheHeatofLisbon*
I went down to his house to ask him there if what he told me was true which he said it was. Asked him was it tactical move on his part getting people on side so he can fuck us under the bus when she finds out. He said absolutely not, his head is wrecked it was a mistake bla bla bla. I agree with a few of you that for me it's not about him, it's her best friend she's putting her trust in. He just told me there that he's asked said best friend that he shagged to cut ties with his ex as he thinks it's wrong that she has done this.. which mustn't have occurred to him when they were shagging. He's begged me not to tell her and thinks we should all forget it happened. My head is absolutely up my arse right now lads, I won't lie when I say I'm very torn

I think he's a manipulative horrible shitty arsehole and I think you're right that he's collecting people who he can say knew when it does come out (and I'm sure it will!)

No wonder you're torn, it's a shit situation for you and for your friend.

If this is the kind of friend you could turn up in the middle of the night with the kids and a goldfish bowl and she’d plug in the kettle, settle the kids, put the fish on a shelf and rifle the presses for shot spirits instead of tea?

If so I would tell her but preface with you don’t know what is the motivation of the confessor in relation the confession, you’re worried he’s trying to mess with the friendship, but on reflection if the roles were reversed you’d want her to tell you. I’d also say I was reluctant to divulge because he may well be trying to isolate her by allegedly fucking friend one and then telling you, in a deliberate act to undermine all her friendship foundations in one fell swoop. I wonder what she was told about them being together previously ?

But he's bound to say that, isn't he? He's a manipulative abusive person. He's well-practised at lying and being a shitbag.

Why don't you ask the best friend instead?

Oops X post with op.

What a fucking vile “friend”

You’ve got to say something

However, lying to your friend's face playing the supportive pal while shagging her ex for kicks is pretty abhorrent. I wouldn't consider telling her to be gossip, it would only become that if OP was telling everyone around bar the friend.

OP, after reading your latest post, I can see why you're torn.

But I think you should tell your mate anyway. She's no idea that the person she's confiding in is a two faced cow who has lied to her. That the ex has apparently told her to cut ties is neither here nor there, that "friend" will do what she wants. And your mate will not understand it if ties are suddenly cut, she'll still want to know why.

He could have screwed the best mate and told you with the intent of breaking their friendship up, take away her support, happened to me, he admitted it in the end laughing, just a thought, she needs to know in my opinion though x

This is not a secret that will bury itself
Completely understand you're torn but of course he's going to feed you any sort bullshit to save his skin

@MulticolourMophead*
I think you are right. I know you are actually. But the fallout afterwards is going to be mental. I am not a shit stirrer or a gossiper but I think this goes past being 'idle gossip'.

At the end of the day, she would do this for me, because of the principle of it. I hate him for even giving me this information.

I think he's being manipulative.

Either he manipulated the best friend into bed, as a means of breaking up their friendship (only he needs the story to get back to his ex, which is where you come in)

OR

There never was anything between them, but he is jealous that she still have mates/a life after breaking up with him, and is out to destroy that (but he needs people to imply that there was, which is where you come in).

Either ignore and stay out of it, or speak to your mate's best friend, and be prepared that the story that he is telling you is not the whole truth.

Tell your mate that the Ex told you this, that you don’t know if it’s true or not (he could have been being vindictive or a lying boaster) but you thought she would rather hear it from you than someone else. Then it’s up to her what she does with it.

You are absolutely correct to give him a set point in time to tell her himself or do it yourself.

This will not stay a secret and you owe it to her. You'll lose her trust and respect if you don't.

Or maybe that he fancies the best friend, but knows that she wouldnt betray his ex. But then if the best friend and the ex were to fall out, he'd be there for her as a supportive shoulder to cry on.

He has form for emotional blackmail, he's just upping his tactics now.