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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pillow and Prosecco

65 replies

CFAlert · 06/05/2019 00:28

I don't think IABU but after speaking with my mum earlier she suggested posting on here to get other people's views.

I've name changed so this isn't linked to my other posts.

Background is I've been single for 3yrs, after leaving an abusive relationship. Single parent to one child, and have EOW to myself when little one is at their dads.

Met a guy, was very intense very quick...thought it might actually go somewhere.

I met his friends, and also his mum due to me staying over one night (he was living at home for reasons I understood)

But... the aibu is because he used to stay at mine a lot... but bought his own pillow because he claimed to have neck pain. Despite me cooking us 3 course meals or full fry ups he never bought me flowers and/or wine or prosecco. Even though he knew I loved both Blush Does this make me a grabby cow?

Or was I right to end it after 6 weeks thinking if that was the way he intended to start a relationship I want willing to continue it?

Thoughts welcome!

OP posts:
Greeborising · 06/05/2019 00:42

It’s not a lot to expect a little gift now and then.
I reckon you were feeling that you were putting more into the relationship than he was.
Not ‘grabby’ at all
Surely the beginning of a relationship is when we go out of our way to please the other person

Hylobates · 06/05/2019 00:43

Sorry but I can't get past your pillow issues. What was the problem with him bringing his own pillow?

FlyingMonkeys · 06/05/2019 00:50

I probably would have just asked him to bring over ingredients for alternating meals or if he was booking somewhere? Does his mum cook every night for him now he's back home?

Butteredghost · 06/05/2019 00:57

I don't quite understand the story - I don't think the pillow thing should come in to it. And how many opportunities to bring prosecco could there have been in six weeks of dating? But yes, it's fine to end things after six weeks if you aren't feeling it for whatever reason.

I actually thought this would be a thread about how great are pillows and also prosecco. And maybe a new trend happening where you enjoy them both at the same time by drinking prosecco in bed. I guess I'll start my own thread on that.

FissionChips · 06/05/2019 00:59

If he was loving and treated you well then I think it was grabby of you to end it because of a lack of gifts. I can’t imagine that was the only reason you broke up though.

Redglitter · 06/05/2019 01:00

I'm completely baffled as to why the pillow was an issue

mokapot · 06/05/2019 01:06

And here I thought this was about having a glass of vino in bed

StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/05/2019 06:46

I don’t see the relevance of the pillow. Surely he’d still have neck pain if he bought you your own vineyard? Or is your AIBU that he spent his money on something to help him sleep instead of a bottle of plonk?

HennyPennyHorror · 06/05/2019 06:50

The pillow thing is normal.

THe not contributing is NOT normal. And it's tight and a big red flag.

LuckyLou7 · 06/05/2019 06:50

Bringing his own pillow isn't that unusual, I know lots of people who can't sleep comfortably without their own pillow.
He should have contributed to meals though, whether by providing ingredients or a bottle of wine to share.

And yes, I thought the thread was about drinking in bed Grin

Lifeisabeach09 · 06/05/2019 06:52

I don't think so.
It sounds like something was missing (romance?) And it also sounds like he was a bit of a taker.
Trust your gut.

LaMarschallin · 06/05/2019 06:56

I don't think the pillow is a problem as long as it is some special orthopaedic job or similar (mind you, I briefly dated somebody who had to do special exercises for his back; these seemed to comprise laying thrun on the floor for ages three times a day. Hmm? No, since you ask, I'm not with him now Smile).

But, yes, he should have bought a gift or two by now. If I go to a dinner party I always take something and I'm not even expecting to sleep with the host/hostess.
Sorry. Being facile. But an acknowledgement of your effort in cooking a nice meal would seem appropriate.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 06/05/2019 07:02

I take my own pillow everywhere! I'm on holiday at the moment and sacrificed some clothes space in the suitcase for it Blush

ChipSandwich · 06/05/2019 07:17

I can't see anything wrong with bringing a pillow. I always take one with me to hotels as they're often not plump enough to be comfortable. Re the gifts, I'd probably have given it a bit longer to see how things panned out. If he came straight from work he may not have had time to pick something up. On the other hand, I'd go out of my way to not turn up empty handed. On the fence a bit here. Will watch other opinions with interest.

UnicornDust9 · 06/05/2019 07:28

Pillow thing is not an issue.

But why isn’t he bringing over any shopping? And like you say some wine/chocolates ?

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 06/05/2019 07:32

What’s wrong with the pillow thing?

He should have brought a gift if you were cooking/hosting.
Prosecco is trash though.

UrsulaPandress · 06/05/2019 07:36

I presume you mean he is capable of bringing a pillow with him but not a gift or a contribution to the meal.

Kinsters · 06/05/2019 07:39

It sounds like you feel taken advantage of and, yeah, if a guy can't make the effort at the beginning of a relationship he's not going to change. It should be give and take.

The pillow thing is normal although I do think it's a bit strange to start bringing it round so early in the relationship. I'd find that a bit weird tbh.

What did you get from the relationship? You should look up love languages, it's not a bad thing to want love to be shown through gifts etc. I think gifts are an important way to show love, my DH doesn't but we've discussed it and compromised.

SunshineCake · 06/05/2019 07:39

When dh and I started dating he would travel to me every time. He brought me a small gift, a body shop basket, wine, chocolate or flowers each Friday for quite a few weeks and would pay for dinner most times. We'd see each other twice a week and I'd cook at least once out of the two.
YANBU or grabby.

ZenNudist · 06/05/2019 07:40

I have neck problem and bring my own pillow. Completely separate issue from him being selfish. YANBU to dump him.

JenniferJareau · 06/05/2019 07:41

If he was eating at yours a lot and not contributing then you did the right thing as he is a freeloader or tight. Neither is attractive.

Newbie1981 · 06/05/2019 07:42

The pillow is fine, I consider that with my MIL horrendous pillows but have not had the guts. I admire him for that haha. BUT if cooking it would be lovely to get a nice gift, especially in the wooing stage. Some people just are not like that, and that's fine but I wouldn't be with one

FizzyPink · 06/05/2019 07:44

Pillows aside I completely agree with you OP. I dated a guy for a while who would often come over for dinner on a Sunday night and stay over. I realise it was my choice to really go to town with fancy dinners which I enjoy preparing but not once did he pick up a bottle of wine on the way past 3 supermarkets from the tube to my house.
One night after we’d run out of the prosecco I’d bought he had the audacity to ask whether I was going to go out for another. There were no more dinners after that!

SomewhereInbetween1 · 06/05/2019 07:48

Aside from the absence of gifts, what romantic gesture's does he make?

Dotty1970 · 06/05/2019 07:48

Your grabby AND weird

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