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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pillow and Prosecco

65 replies

CFAlert · 06/05/2019 00:28

I don't think IABU but after speaking with my mum earlier she suggested posting on here to get other people's views.

I've name changed so this isn't linked to my other posts.

Background is I've been single for 3yrs, after leaving an abusive relationship. Single parent to one child, and have EOW to myself when little one is at their dads.

Met a guy, was very intense very quick...thought it might actually go somewhere.

I met his friends, and also his mum due to me staying over one night (he was living at home for reasons I understood)

But... the aibu is because he used to stay at mine a lot... but bought his own pillow because he claimed to have neck pain. Despite me cooking us 3 course meals or full fry ups he never bought me flowers and/or wine or prosecco. Even though he knew I loved both Blush Does this make me a grabby cow?

Or was I right to end it after 6 weeks thinking if that was the way he intended to start a relationship I want willing to continue it?

Thoughts welcome!

OP posts:
MaybeitsMaybelline · 06/05/2019 07:51

I get you OP, he’s made himself at home and you have very quickly become his mum.

You did the right thing.

Ragwort · 06/05/2019 07:53

I can’t get over him taking you back to spend the night (sex?) at his
mother’s home when you have only just met? Hmm

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 06/05/2019 07:54

The pillow thing is fine but I would not be happy about no contributions to the catering costs or little gifts as a token of appreciation for you and your hospitality. Being very intense after 6 weeks would bother me too. I think you did the right thing.

PunkRockHippy · 06/05/2019 07:59

Not everyone is on the same page with gift giving - did you ask him to contribute to the costs/contents of the dinners and he refused?

Not giving you flowers and bringing your own pillow are absolutely fine in my book. Most cut flowers are terrible for the environment, I’d much rather someone just say they like me/were having a good time etc.

I think with your next relationship perhaps work on communication more?

Al2O3 · 06/05/2019 08:01

Sounds like a ‘corklodger’ to me

daisypond · 06/05/2019 08:01

Pillow is fine. But not bringing a bottle of wine, if you both like it and would want one, while you are cooking isn’t. Expecting Prosecco or flowers seems very odd to me.

Ragwort · 06/05/2019 08:05

He clearly only wanted you for sex (‘intense’ Hmm after six weeks???).

The pillow and Prosecco is not the important thing here, you really need to set some boundaries about relationships.

BadLad · 06/05/2019 08:07

Sounds like a ‘corklodger’ to me

Guffaw

Clankboing · 06/05/2019 08:08

Well, I thought you were going to talk about (strange) baby names. Anyway, no I wouldn't dump someone over lack of prosecco. What was he like besides that?

Original poster
CFAlert · 06/05/2019 08:11

Interesting set of responses, thanks all for taking the time to reply.

I'm glad to see I don't appear to be too unreasonable, and whilst I didn't expect gifts it would have been nice to receive a token gesture as I went to a lot of time, effort and expense when he was over and yes looking back I do think he took the piss big time.

I'm not knocking the pillow - he did ask if he could bring it and explained the reasons why which I was fine with.

It was just him turning up, with plans to stay in and me cook, and a pillow under one arm and an overnight bag in the other with no wine/flowers etc I just thought was "off"

He wasn't particularly happy when I ended things, and looking back I definitely did the right thing.

OP posts:
HBStowe · 06/05/2019 08:11

I don’t think the pillow thing is weird at all and I’m not sure why it upset you.

I think if he was generally thoughtful, kind, considerate etc then it is a bit daft to end things after 6 weeks due to a lack of gifts. But if the lack of gifts was a symptom of him generally seeming disinterested or greedy (I.e. benefiting from meals cooked by you but never reciprocating) then I understand why you wouldn’t want to continue.

Ragwort · 06/05/2019 08:15

Did he take you out on dates? Did you do anything apart from ‘getting intense’ Hmm. He sounds a waste of space, anyone expecting a meal and bed (sex) for the night would surely bring at the very least a bunch of flowers as a minimum contribution. If I invite friends round for a meal they would always being wine/chocolates/flowers.

Raise your expectations.

mondaysaturday · 06/05/2019 08:17

Met a guy, was very intense very quick...

Sometimes, OP, when we get a red flag about someone and our instinct tells us to get out, we tend to try to rationalise it in retrospect by finding 'reasons' (the pillow, the lack of gifts).

In reality, something in your gut told you that this wasn't a good person to be involved with.

Personally, I'm always very wary of men who get very intense, very quickly. It's often a warning sign of unstable behaviour to come.

But honestly, the bottom line here is that, especially when in early days, there's no such thing as a bad reason to break up with someone. If it doesn't feel right, it's not right and you don't have to justify that to anyone.

Original poster
CFAlert · 06/05/2019 08:22

I think looking back there were many red flags which I ignored to begin with but started to grate after a while.

Things such as him complaining I don't msg enough, or was online on WhatsApp but hadn't replied to his msg as soon as I'd logged on.

He seemed different to other guys I'd dated. He was very complimentary which I found flattering to start with but tiresome towards the end.

It became very intense, very quick because every time I was child free I spent with him and it almost seemed like that was the expectation and I didn't feel he'd be happy if I wanted a weekend break from seeing him.

I'm very independent and it got to a point where I longed for some "me" time

OP posts:
jellyfish70 · 06/05/2019 08:23

Prosecco and flowers are not a measure of a relationship. If they were my 23 yr marriage would have been over in year 1. What's the actual connection between the two of you like? Is he kind, loving, respectful, loyal? Don't get blinded by tat!

SerenDippitty · 06/05/2019 08:23

You’re not being grabby. It goes without saying that if someone is cooking a meal for you you take a bottle or some flowers.

jellyfish70 · 06/05/2019 08:26

Why were you cooking him meals? why didn't you suggest going out to eat or getting a takeaway? What message were you giving? Generally people don't stay over unless they are asked.

Sleepsoon7 · 06/05/2019 08:30

Always trust your instincts in these situations. Treat it as a learning curve in relation to setting your expectations about what you want from a relationship. I think you’ve done the right thing from what you’ve described.

mondaysaturday · 06/05/2019 08:30

Some of those sound like big warning signs for controlling or abusive behaviour. He was monitoring your activity via Whatsapp and trying to make you justify yourself, trying to dictate how you spent all your free time - even the excessive compliments thing can be a red flag, "love bombing" is a common tactic with controlling men.

You were feeling suffocated after only six weeks. You trusted your gut and got out. Don't let anyone ever tell you that's unreasonable.

Original poster
CFAlert · 06/05/2019 08:34

I don't know, I was really in to him at the beginning and it felt like we had amazing chemistry.

Initially I wanted to spend every moment I was child free with him, but as I got to know him better and the pillow/Prosecco thing reared it's head several times I started to have second thoughts.

I've been through some shit over the last few years and have had to work hard to get to the position I'm in today and I just felt suffocated. Like he was trying to get his feet under the table which made me feel uncomfortable and panic.

He was quite a bit older than me too.

When I called things off he sent a scathing message saying I've got issues and he hopes I can sort them out and find happiness, and he still messages occasionally although I've not replied for a while.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 06/05/2019 08:35

The pillow issue is a non-issue, but I can understand your being unhappy at the absence of gifts.

Hermagsjesty · 06/05/2019 08:39

I think you’re right to trust your gut and ended. It sounds like you felt taken advantage of and rushed.

AnnaMagnani · 06/05/2019 08:39

Pillow - not an issue

Not bringing wine/flowers/chocolate - not an issue. If anything doing this would have been more of a 'getting intense too soon'.

You making him 2 course meals - an issue. You were dating. After a few fancy meals couldn't you have moved onto normal food? You are setting yourself up to fail.

Everything else you have said about him is the issue - the calls, the texting, the meeting the friends v quickly, having to spend all your time with him. So many red flags you could make bunting.

I don't think your instincts tell you the right things - moving quickly, being overly romantic (bringing wine and chocolate everytime) are all signs of a relationship that is not right.

For reference - in our first 6 months my DH not once bought me wine, chocolate or flowers despite me on occasion standing him in front of a florist. He also told me he loved me eventually, then didn't bother to mention it again - when I asked as I was getting nervous, he said he'd said it and meant it so he didn't know why he had to repeat it!

Given your past history, get yourself on the Freedom Programme before dating again.

mondaysaturday · 06/05/2019 08:41

I just felt suffocated

This 100% tells you all you need to know. Even if you have chemistry at first with someone, they can still be a bad long term bet.

You don't sound like you have issues at all. You sound like a very strong and self aware person making level headed decisions. He's telling you that you have issues because it's easier to pretend that a woman who doesn't want to date him has mental problems than it is for him to accept rejection. That's his problem and absolutely nothing to do with you. If anything, just take it as confirmation that you made the right call.

Omzlas · 06/05/2019 08:45

YANBU as a whole. Sounds like you had a lucky escape, especially as you've been through the wringer a bit in the past

YABU to like prosecco though. Vile stuff.

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