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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking my mother for help....

63 replies

mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 17:33

Not sure if it’s us or her....

I’m unwell, and have been placed on bed rest (cutting a long story, very short). My husband has been dropping and collecting our son, whilst attempting to work for the few hours in the middle (bills to pay).

So... given his considerable loss of earnings, we decided to ask my mother for help. She lives 10 minutes away, and is aware that I’m unwell and on bed rest. Soon after us talking to her about it... she mentioned she was off on holiday with my brother (something they had booked before we asked for help) and that she will not be able to help for another week after the end of their holiday, as my brother was on annual leave. We understand the first part... going on a pre-booked holiday but not the need to sit with my brother (34 years old) for another week after.

Today... she’s told us she will not be able to help on Mondays because that’s my brother’s day off. We are not sure what that has to do with her helping me/us! She also gives the impression that her voluntary work is important, than helping us despite being fully aware that my husband is basically bringing in half the pay now due to limited hours at work.

AIBU??

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 05/05/2019 18:05

She doesn't want to do it.

Have you been specific about the kind of help you would like from her? It might be that she's imagining something much more onerous than you're asking for. But otherwise, I'm afraid it looks like you'll need to find help elsewhere. Your brother?

Wolfiefan · 05/05/2019 18:09

I’m guessing there is a huge back story here. If she doesn’t want to help then you can’t make her. Shame she doesn’t want to.

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:10

We asked her to only collect our son from school. We are arranging transport for her...

I could ask my brother, but he too sometimes suffers from the God complex!

OP posts:
Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:11

The back story (keeping it brief)...

She appears to resent me being married, because my brother isn’t. She also has said several times that he is her favourite child... and has readily thrown me under the bus every six months for the past few years!

OP posts:
Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:12

Is there any point in trying to get her to see what common sense should make obvious??

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 05/05/2019 18:12

Yanbu. I don't understand parents like this.

She doesn't want to help op. Have you asked her why she can't help out due to your brother's days off?

MountainEagle · 05/05/2019 18:13

She doesn’t want to help. Neither does my DM. I can be really ill with flu or food poisoning etc but she won’t take DC for the day. Her attitude is “I had nobody to help me when you were little, you can cope on your own like I did”.

Babyroobs · 05/05/2019 18:15

Does your brother live at home - is it because she doesn't want his day off disturbing or something ? I don't think you can just expect her to skip the volunteering either as wherever she volunteers may be relying on her? other than that Yanbu. I would do whatever I could to help my relative in this situation.

Wolfiefan · 05/05/2019 18:16

I would look at alternative provisions. After school club? Friends who can help out and you’ll reciprocate when you’re better?

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:17

@Floralhousecoat, she wanted me to tell my brother what was going on with me (health wise) so then she could consider helping out rather than sitting with him because he’s on annual leave.

The funny part was, when I said today... are you going to be able to collect DS on Mondays too if we told my brother... she said no. I laughed and said what’s the point of telling him then?!

What I wanted to say was you are a grown woman, who has two children. One of whom is ill and their whole family is suffering. Rather than being kind and considerate, you choose to sit with your son because it happens to be his day off every week!!

OP posts:
Mascarponeandwine · 05/05/2019 18:20

Why is she sitting with your brother? Are they in watching tv or something? I don’t get it

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:21

My brother doesn’t live with her. He has his own home. There would be no disturbance to his day (from what I’ve seen)... he sits in his room the whole day.

I’m not expecting her to give up volunteering. The point I’m making us despite me being a working mother... if my family or friends needed me I won’t talk about my need to change plans etc. I would simply help them, and think of what they must be going through. We believe in this as a family, and follow this to the latter.

If I was asking a stranger... I would expect all of the above. From ones own mother?

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/05/2019 18:22

I'd just pay for before and after school childcare or arrange for someone to take him to and from school for a little extra cash. I'd not expect to cut work hours.

If your mum doesn't want to help, she's under no obligation too. What do you do to help her? It works both ways.

Her volunteering likely is important to her, why wouldn't it be. She gives up her time to do it so it must mean something to her.

blackcat86 · 05/05/2019 18:23

It's really shitty of her but she isn't going to help you. What about DHs family? Your DM has no intention of offering support and so is putting barriers in. Find someone else and save yourself the stress. Most of us want our parents there in tough times but sadly not all parents are interested. I'm sure I'll get flammed for this but I would be remembering this when she needs help. I'm sure she can rely on your brother as she seems to prefer his company.

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:24

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss, she relies on us to sort out everything.... taking her to places, hospital appointments, finances, DIY (you name it).

OP posts:
TheSultanofPingu · 05/05/2019 18:25

I don't get it either. It feels like something is missing from your story.

Wolfiefan · 05/05/2019 18:27

Does feel like something is missing from the story. If she’s pushing you under the bus (not sure what that actually means) and refusing to help out in any way then take a step back and don’t do so many things for her.

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:28

Is it crazy that we expect her to offer some help, when we have been there for her every time!!

I find it fascinating, because she stayed at our home when her boiler had broken. My DH slept on the floor (our home is being renovated) to make sure she had a comfortable stay! I had to sort out her whole boiler situations with calls and emails to people, whilst looking after my children, working, and running my own home. She spent her entire time with us bitching about my brother and how awful he was!!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/05/2019 18:30

She doesn’t have to.
Neither do you.
I would hope my family would help me out but I don’t expect them to and resent them if they don’t.

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:31

She expects it... you say no and all hell would break loose. If you don’t praise her for everything she does, that’s also a problem.

We’ve continued to help and be there for her hoping she would see that she’s loved and that we care. She always talks about what she has done for us, what my brother has done for her... but never what DH or I have done for her. Hope that gives you a rough idea...

OP posts:
Mayalready · 05/05/2019 18:32

Please pick up your begging hat and walk away. She has proved her thoughts on frankly being a dm /dgm at all.
What a bitch she is op.
Ask a local dm who's dc your dc knows. Or a nice neighbour.

Wolfiefan · 05/05/2019 18:32

So don’t get sucked in. Say no. Walk away from the drama.

formerbabe · 05/05/2019 18:35

It's nasty behaviour. Yanbu

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:36

LOL. Why does she then ask how I am (health wise)? What’s the point of that question if one cannot offer help? Is it just for gossip??

It’s very sad from where I sit... feeling as though my own mother doesn’t give a damn or enough to help. Probably should complain... I’m sure there are worse things in life.

I struggle with it because I’m not someone who asks for help unless I/we are desperate. Sad

OP posts:
NicEv · 05/05/2019 18:37

I am sorry you are having a hard time and that your mum can’t/won’t help. But I don’t understand why your husband has to cut his working hours. Lots of people work full time and use childcare - either a local childminder or before and after school clubs. I would only use friends or family for the period it took to sort out professional childcare to be honest. Why can’t you do that rather than limit your husband’s earnings?

Hope you are soon feeling better. Try not to get drawn into a feud with your mum over it - better to focus your energy on sorting out childcare to see you through this period while you are out of action.

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