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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking my mother for help....

63 replies

mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 17:33

Not sure if it’s us or her....

I’m unwell, and have been placed on bed rest (cutting a long story, very short). My husband has been dropping and collecting our son, whilst attempting to work for the few hours in the middle (bills to pay).

So... given his considerable loss of earnings, we decided to ask my mother for help. She lives 10 minutes away, and is aware that I’m unwell and on bed rest. Soon after us talking to her about it... she mentioned she was off on holiday with my brother (something they had booked before we asked for help) and that she will not be able to help for another week after the end of their holiday, as my brother was on annual leave. We understand the first part... going on a pre-booked holiday but not the need to sit with my brother (34 years old) for another week after.

Today... she’s told us she will not be able to help on Mondays because that’s my brother’s day off. We are not sure what that has to do with her helping me/us! She also gives the impression that her voluntary work is important, than helping us despite being fully aware that my husband is basically bringing in half the pay now due to limited hours at work.

AIBU??

OP posts:
bumtickler · 05/05/2019 18:39

mmmm on the otherhand I`d be tempted to with hold a service or 2 you provide! merry hell or not!!

TheTrollFairy · 05/05/2019 18:42

Don’t help your mum when she next need it. Tell her your busy washing your hair and you don’t want to change your routine!

Your mum isn’t obliged to help you but I find it really odd when they could do something which would help ease the situation at yours.

Out of interest, why doesn’t your brother know what’s wrong with you? Do you and your brother not get on in general?

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 18:47

Bro and I got along really well until she started using him to create fights between the three of us. She would get him on her side... Bro and I have decided to stay out her interactions with each us to stop further destructions.

DH works 1.5 hours away (one way). If he finished at 6pm (he would normally), he’s won’t get to DS until 6:30-7 pm at night. It’s too much for a child and for any of our kind friends.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 05/05/2019 18:47

Get over it! In the nicest possible way you could be homeless,starving and giving her your last piece of bread instead of your kids and she wouldn't appreciate it.

She is who she is and you have to accept that. Stop bending yourself backwards to make her love you,appreciate you, respect you. She won't.

You won't ever get what you need from her,so get over it. It's the only way to find some peace eventually. Your way is filled with disappointment and hurt.

You're good enough.

Singlenotsingle · 05/05/2019 18:50

Why does dbro need babysitting? Is he disabled?

HerRoyalNotness · 05/05/2019 18:50

Wow you mother is quite something. I hate how families don’t help each other and this whole atttitudr if we shouldn’t expect it. That’s why we have families surely, give and take?

Distance yourself from her. Ask if there is someone that lives nearby you could pay a few pound a day to do the school run for you until you recover. We’re the type to muddle on ourselves too, but sometimes you ha r to just ask, people are generally happy to help. As am I when my neighbours are in a pickle

Nonnymum · 05/05/2019 18:54

That is very sad. I drop everything when my daughter needs help with the children. That's what parents should do so I am not surprised you are upset, but you probably can't expect it. Is there anyone else you could ask for help?any close friends or other family?
Your mums relationship with your brother sounds odd. My son wouldn't want me to sit in with him on his days off. Does your brother have any special needs?

C0untDucku1a · 05/05/2019 19:00

Is there no after school club that could be used until 6pm so he could spend longer at work?

Dont ask you mother again. She will just use it against you.

EdtheBear · 05/05/2019 19:04

Tell your brother you are unwell and ask for his help.

I too would refuse to help your mum next time she asks.

NotStayingIn · 05/05/2019 19:06

Oh god OP how annoying. This would piss me off too. It sounds like your mom knows she can put all her focus on your brother and still be assured you will run round after her. Stop that. If she wants to be ‘sitting with your brother’ and he wants that too (which makes them both sound rather peculiar) great leave them to it. But stop doing her any favours. Until you play hard ball she will continue to take the piss.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/05/2019 19:06

I'm so sorry that your DM is behaving in this way. I'm also sorry that you're not well and are on bed rest.

Is there anything that your DS's nursery can help with even in the very short term? Ask them if they can help out or perhaps one of their staff drives home near your house and you would be willing to pay them extra to drop your DS home to you?? It's not the usual way to do things but you're clearly in need of help and there isn't any reliable source for that help.

My advice - when you're feeling up to it you need to tell your DM that her lack of help for you when you really needed it means that you're no longer going to be able to bring her places, your DB will have to look after that. Your DB will also now have to look after whatever other requests she may have as you're unwilling to give your time to someone who you thought would be there for you in your time of need. You value your time and it will now be spent with your family (i.e. your DH, your DS and any other children that may come along over the years) but will only be spent with your DM when you feel it is warranted.

She has shown you her true colours. You just ignore her going forward. It's not worth the effort (imo).

MachineBee · 05/05/2019 19:08

I’m sorry your going through this OP. I have a condition which required long periods bed rest when my DCs were small. I had some good neighbours and friends who helped with school runs. After my DCs had been dropped off, I used the electronic nanny (I.e TV) and we read a lot of books.

They had a hot meal at school and sandwiches at home for tea. I did the bare minimum as this was all I could manage. My then DH worked shifts and simply wasn’t around much to help. He didn’t understand my needs, but me and the kids muddled through. DCs often understand when a parent is ill and they can be helpful in lots of little ways.

I hope you are able to arrange things for this difficult period. Don’t ask your DM for anything and withdraw the help you provide for her. No need to tell her that you are withdrawing, but simply be busy when she asks, don’t offer anything (a non-commit all ‘that’s a shame’ when she tells you about her problems and when she asks how you are, treat it as small talk and just say ‘I’m fine’ - nothing more.

Look after yourself and your family and work out things for yourself. You can do this without relying on someone who doesn’t care very much about you all.

Mayalready · 05/05/2019 19:20

My dm was never happier /smug than when I was struggling.
In her eyes if she had had a shit life why should mine be better...
That's why I went nc many years ago...

poppymatilda · 05/05/2019 19:34

Sorry your mum isn't supportive OP. My mum is similar. Im not ill but since I had my daughter she has barely visited and created a fight each time. Ive lost my job whilst on mat leave and currently going to interviews. I'm under pressure because I've had to commit to childcare and pay a deposit which I can't afford if I have no job. She keeps offering to watch DD for me so I can go to interviews but whenever I've asked she makes it so complicated that I have to make other arrangements. It's fine but secretly I feel sad that she doesn't want to spend time with her grand daughter. In your situation I imagine it feels a million times worse x

Wolfiefan · 05/05/2019 19:38

It is too much for friends and your child but not your mum? She clearly feels it is. I would be paying for childcare and taking a step away from her if she’s making you unhappy. Life is far too short.

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 19:56

@Wolfiefan... I won’t have thought collecting some in pre-arranged transport to drop them to me would be too much. I’d be sorting him out after that...

Especially, given our friends were offering to collect him, feed him and then drop him. But who knows, may be simple things are too “hard” for some.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/05/2019 20:00

But you’re on bed rest so you can’t.

Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 20:03

@poppymatilda... I’m sorry that you to face this challenge. I wish you all the best in securing a job Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
mothersandsons · 05/05/2019 20:05

@Wolfiefan... beggars can’t be chooser, right?

I will do my best with breaks, if that what it takes. No reason for DS to suffer (he’s a child, after all). I can’t walk any distance or drive... hence the issue

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/05/2019 20:06

Don’t be a martyr. If you need bed rest then that’s what you have to do. If family won’t help then get paid for help.

Chloemol · 05/05/2019 20:10

I think you need to find alternatives, would friends help? Could you get a childminder for a while? I would also start backing away from your mum and doing stuff for her. If your brother is off every Monday then he could do the appointments. Alternatively if that is not going to work, and one of your posts say you talk to each other, could he not speak to your mother about helping you

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2019 20:11

If your mum doesn't want to help, she's under no obligation too. What do you do to help her? It works both ways.

No. Love and thoughtfulness shouldn't be expected from your parent.

And the OP has said she does lots for her mother. (hope she stops now)

slipperywhensparticus · 05/05/2019 20:13

Get your friends to help I did it for my friends Flowers

Penguincake · 05/05/2019 20:24

DIes your brot have a disability?

Penguincake · 05/05/2019 20:25

*Does your brother have a disability?

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