Asking my mother for help....

[mothersandsons]

Not sure if it’s us or her....

I’m unwell, and have been placed on bed rest (cutting a long story, very short). My husband has been dropping and collecting our son, whilst attempting to work for the few hours in the middle (bills to pay).

So... given his considerable loss of earnings, we decided to ask my mother for help. She lives 10 minutes away, and is aware that I’m unwell and on bed rest. Soon after us talking to her about it... she mentioned she was off on holiday with my brother (something they had booked before we asked for help) and that she will not be able to help for another week after the end of their holiday, as my brother was on annual leave. We understand the first part... going on a pre-booked holiday but not the need to sit with my brother (34 years old) for another week after.

Today... she’s told us she will not be able to help on Mondays because that’s my brother’s day off. We are not sure what that has to do with her helping me/us! She also gives the impression that her voluntary work is important, than helping us despite being fully aware that my husband is basically bringing in half the pay now due to limited hours at work.

AIBU??

Well you know where you stand now.stop offering her any help in future

Are you with holding the reason for your bed rest from her and consequently she's using this against you?

Does she like your DH? Could that be the problem.

Hope you get better soon.

Maybe when you're up to it, some counselling could help you deal with your mum issues.

My brother is a perfectly able man. We are not sure if my mum realises that!

If he works on a weekend, she would announce that his job is so strenuous. When anyone else says they are tired after working 7 days in a row... she’s that’s what you signed up for!

What confuses me is... she does seem concerned, says she wants to help, pray for me, bring me things when she visits BUT behaves like all of the above when it comes to actually helping.

Not sure if it’s her relationship with me or that between her and my brother that seems to lead to these statements from her. It’s almost like she loses her ability to function as my mother when my brother is in her life (like visiting her on his days off).

If it was a permanent thing, where she had to collect DS weeks on end; I would totally understand the reasons to establish can/cannot. This is a short-term issue.

Who knows what she's thinking. Could be worried if he meets a girl she'll never see him.
But if its his day off and you need help ask him.

^^if my family or friends needed me I won’t talk about my need to change plans etc. I would simply help them, and think of what they must be going through. We believe in this as a family, and follow this to the latter.
If I was asking a stranger... I would expect all of the above ^

Maybe it’s time to stop judging people by your own standards and accept that not everyone thinks like you. Hard as that might be.
Your mum isn’t going to help.
Hope you feel better soon

Arrange a childminder or babysitter service to collect and drop him home? Surely that's better and more affordable than losing half ur husbands income.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss, she relies on us to sort out everything.... taking her to places, hospital appointments, finances, DIY (you name it).

Stop that right now. There’s no reciprocity. Let your brother do it from now on, or better yet, let her do it herself.

I experienced the same dynamic OP, my dm has never helped with my DC and spends 80% of her week helping with 14 dniece and 21 yr old dne, but her 7 and 3 year old gc with me....not a single finger has been lifted.

Despite her frequently saying she wishes she could help me more

The last excuse before I went low contact and stopped bothering was that she had to sit with Dsis dog as he got anxious and she needed to reassure him for an hour. I nearly lost my job as DC were both throwing up and needed someone at home.

I simply gave up but on the flipside o don't bother now either. I don't visit and I don't bother with them. It's not nasty falling out stuff just that I realised they genuinely didn't care about us so why should I care about them.

Basically I just got on with the hard times without them ....im sorry OP it's incredibly hard to be where you are now but the slight upside is you feel stronger the other side when you realise you can handle the crap times without them.

Next time she expects you to run around after her, just say you can't help but will pray for her. You fear a big explosion? Just let her get on with it. Stop playing her game. I mean that nicely. It's horrible of her not to help you. Does she treat your brother as if he is her partner?

Thing is, it doesn't matter why she behaves the way she does, does it? You need practical help and it's not going to come from her. Pay for help/accept help from friends and consider whether you want to keep putting yourself out for her when you're better.

She expects it... you say no and all hell would break loose.

Then let it break loose. She needs to know that support needs to go both ways.

Yep, make sure she knows you’re strenuously praying for her, the next 100 times she needs help.

It might feel weird or mean the first few times, but trust me, you’ll soon get used to it. Some people just need to feel the cold to remember that warm goes both ways.

And yes... she is enquiring about your health for gossip purposes. My mum does the same. Being able to drop ‘the latest’ on your condition into conversations with her friends (and other family) infers she’s on hand helping you, without actually having to lift a finger. I’ve had my mum offer to drive me home from medical appointments, when I’ve been too ill to drive myself. Only a lift home, mind, cos what would be the point if not to hear the gory medical details and opinions, right??!

Spend your bed rest time on the Out of the FOG website. It will be a revelation.