To be upset that he's always online but won't text back?

[Thorntonschocolates]

It's so frustrating when you can see he's been online 5-10 times on WhatsApp but can't even be arsed to text back or open your message. It's not like I'm texting about something that requires a long explanation, the other day he went to the dentist and I just texted him "how did it go?" Didn't even open my message but was online 6 times, only replied when I sent him another text. Sometimes he will reply with "I'm busy" or "having lunch/coffee". But then why are you always online when you're "so busy". It's frustrating and hurtful when you know he's probably texting other people but can't be arsed to text you. And it just makes me feel like I'm needy. I've spoken to him about it before and I also try to make excuses for him, but it's hard when you know he's always online.

Been married for 4 years btw. Anyone else with a partner like this?

[Myworstnightmare123]

Meh! I personally just couldn't get wound up about it. I would probably question someones obsessive monitoring of my online activity..... now that really would piss me off. Plus showing as online does necessarily mean someone is active. OP herself said she wasn't sure if he was sending message to others.

[Orangeballon]

Men like to chase, they don’t like being chased. Just stop it.

[SandyY2K]

I thought this was going to be about a guy you’d just met on Tinder, not your husband of four years

Me too.

[Iamnotagoddess]

You do sound a bit needy tbh.

DH is based 500 miles away and we don’t even speak on the phone every day.

We text but when we are both at work in the day we don’t much as we are working.

He has to do 24 hour shifts sometimes and isn’t allowed his phone on him. 🤷‍♀️

[adaline]

But @NotAlwaysRight when you live with someone why do you need to communicate with them constantly outside of that?

I'd message DH to ask him to pick up some milk, or to remind him to pay the dog walker, but I wouldn't text him inane chat because I'd be seeing him that evening anyway!

But I know from experience on these threads that some couples communicate 24/7 and that people genuinely get offended when they're not first priority all the time.

[DeadWife]

*And it just makes me feel like I'm needy
*
To be honest that's how you're coming across. As he's your husband you can always catch up in the evening?

[SchrodingersBrexit]

Doesn't sound like you are a priority, OP.

WhatsApp isn't the same as FB Messenger or Instagram, it only shows you are online when you are actively using the app.

Does he use the phone for work?

[NotAlwaysRight]

Well I suppose it's a case of each to their own. You might not like to text outside of home tone but other people might be so busy at home they would forget, and others might like the odd one-liner, like asking if the dentist went okay. We don't know if the DH fears dentists or was having a tricky procedure, but what we can probably guess is that visiting the dentist is not the every day (most of us go once or twice a year).

My DH likes to text and phone a lot more than me, and at first I asked him to stop phoning all the time as I had nothing of note to say. This hurt him a bit so although he curbed it a bit, he now texts instead, or rarely phones if there's more of a specific reason to and would be more to say. Is he wrong? Of course not. Am I wrong? No! But it wouldn't be fair of me to have failed to communicate and just refuse to answer or reply.

Like I said, each to their own.

[Independentwoman]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Myself and my partner text/ speak during the day when he's at work. If he's busy and can't it's no issue but not if he had the time to speak to other people. I'd say that because he's your husband that makes it worse. I'm not needy but fully expect my other half to respect me and put me before others as I do with him. Could it be a works WhatsApp chat? If so then he maybe just hadn't had time to reply.

It's your marriage ok otherwise?

[Narya]

If DP and I texted each other all day we'd have nothing to talk about when we got home in the evening! Perhaps your DH is texting people he doesn't see very often. Are you worried about who else he is texting OP?

[Meandwinealone]

@Narya
That’s a bit sad. Sorry

[Iamnotagoddess]

Meandwinealone

Why?

DH calls me when he’s away (atm he only comes home every two weeks) and he literally has nothing to say.

[Narya]

@Meandwinealone I think you read that more literally than I intended it. I just mant that bit when you've both get home and you talk about how your day has been. It would be a bit odd to have not seen the other person all day but still know exactly how their day went?

[Fiveredbricks]

A lot of people talk to their partner throughout the day... Because they're friends as well as partners and want to chat, surely. Just like most of us do with friends.

I'm not sure if those saying they don't are all over 50+ or something but it's totally bloody normal for people in a relationship to communicate throughout the day if they can. I text/whatsapp my friends and family and my husband throughout the day and they all do the same too. It doesn't always warrant a reply but generally people just chit chat during the day when they can. That is not weird or strange to have that in your life.

It sounds more like he wants you to be his wife op, but not his friend.

I would not be happy with that.

[Fiveredbricks]

@narya I agree with pp, that is pretty sad to be honest.

Part of being with the right person is surely that you never run out of things to say or are equally as happy with the silence if you do?

[Meandwinealone]

@Narya
Ah ok I did read it wrong.

[NameChangeNugget]

There’s overthinking and there’s this...

[Horsemenoftheaclopalypse]

He sounds like a dick.

I was going to say dump him but then saw you are married

I would stop texting him but my guess is there are bigger problems in your relationship...

[PunkRockHippy]

Yeah, it’s normal to chat by text during the day if both parties want to...... but it’s definitely not normal or healthy to obsessively monitor whether the other person is online or not, track how many times they’re online etc. That is needy. I might text DP with something inconsequential but if he doesn’t reply it’s no biggie, and vice versa. We’re getting on with our days.

If DP was asking why haven’t I replied, if he knew I’d been online 6 times etc.... I’d find that really uncomfortable to say the least, it’a pretty controlling

OP, you’ve probably been scared off. Look, you can’t control other people. You can control what you do and your response to things. Work out why this is so important to you, what the actual issue is here.

[adaline]

There's nothing wrong with chatting through the day if both parties are happy with it.

OP's husband clearly isn't happy and doesn't want constant communication - as is his right.

Personally I would find it extremely suffocating. I like my own space in a relationship and I don't want to be in touch with my partner all the time.

[DecomposingComposers]

My apps always show me as being on line. It doesn't mean that I'm available to answer messages though.

Maybe stop messaging for chit chat and only message if it's urgent?

[AndOutComeTheBoobs]

That would annoy me.

But whether YABU or not depends.

If you're messaging him 5+ times a day then it's probably annoying for him and understandably if that's not his thing.

If it's once or twice a week and he still ignores them he's just being an ignorant arse.

I could easily text my husband several times a day but I try and keep it to an absolute minimum. I'm on maternity leave and he's snowed under at work.
I get one word answers from him most of the time when I do text and other times he doesn't reply at all if it's a closed ended message.

[JuniFora]

I would be upset too because the fact that he's online and happily chatting to others while he ignores you, shows that he doesn't feel or want that connection with you. That would make me rethink the relationship.

That other people don't using message apps is irrelevant. He does. All day. With other people while ignoring you. Yanbu at all.

[adaline]

But he doesn't need to talk to OP all day because they're married and they live together!

[DecomposingComposers]

One answer is for him to turn off the availability function. Then OP can't see when he is on line. Which is what I would do if my husband started monitoring when I was on line.