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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that he's always online but won't text back?

60 replies

Thorntonschocolates · 05/05/2019 11:34

It's so frustrating when you can see he's been online 5-10 times on WhatsApp but can't even be arsed to text back or open your message. It's not like I'm texting about something that requires a long explanation, the other day he went to the dentist and I just texted him "how did it go?" Didn't even open my message but was online 6 times, only replied when I sent him another text. Sometimes he will reply with "I'm busy" or "having lunch/coffee". But then why are you always online when you're "so busy". It's frustrating and hurtful when you know he's probably texting other people but can't be arsed to text you. And it just makes me feel like I'm needy. I've spoken to him about it before and I also try to make excuses for him, but it's hard when you know he's always online.

Been married for 4 years btw. Anyone else with a partner like this?

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 05/05/2019 11:36

Is it he at work while you're sending these messages?

PunkRockHippy · 05/05/2019 11:38

It makes you feel like you’re needy because you’re being needy. Stop stalking your own husband online!

Meandwinealone · 05/05/2019 11:39

Just stop texting him. He clearly doesn’t really want you to.

VanillaCoconutDove · 05/05/2019 11:40

Do you actually have quality time though? When he’s home in the evenings from work is he a present partner? Or glued to his phone then?

gemmaxyz · 05/05/2019 11:45

Can you switch to using another messaging app with him? On Viber you can hide when you are online and when other people are online and so you won't see that in the first place to be thinking about it. Or actual SMS text messages with read receipts turned off?

adaline · 05/05/2019 11:48

Just stop messaging him!

You live together. Why do you need to text him constantly and monitor his internet usage?

Also my Facebook messenger often shows me as active when I'm not.

Upuntilrecently · 05/05/2019 11:49

This is hurtful and it sounds like he isnt that into you. Are you ok in other areas of your marriage? Absence makes the heart grow fonder remember so try playing it cool and not texting him so often. Wait for him to come to you. I think if you back off he will

stressedoutpa · 05/05/2019 11:49

No, DH doesn't do this to me but XP did. That was a whole thread in itself! He just didn't give a shit about anyone except himself....

Stop messaging him? Don't bother to ask how he got on?

I would be withdrawing my attention and seriously questioning the relationship personally.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 05/05/2019 11:50

‘Online’ on WhatsApp means nothing! Stalking someone’s online status is just a recipe for madness and misery.

I thought this was going to be about a guy you’d just met on Tinder, not your husband of four years Grin

joliejoleen · 05/05/2019 11:52

I'm with you OP. I'd feel really shit too.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 05/05/2019 11:55

My phone is always online - it doesn't mean I'm on line though ….. and reading messages doesn't necessitate a response ie I may read it but unless you need me to accompany you to the hospital/police station or are instructing me to pick up milk when I leave work I don't need to respond do I?

It took me 20 years to train DH to STOP annoying me at work or worse, calling in the arsenic hour when he's stuck in a traffic jam and fancies a chat Hmm when was trying to un pack shopping, sort small people out, shove a load on and have a wee simultaneously.

gamerchick · 05/05/2019 11:55

Me and husband are like that. Texts get answered whenever or when we get home in person.

I'm never getting WhatsApp, no good will come of it after everything I've read on here from people stressing about it.

I agree with PP, stop stalking your husband online. Does it really matter, you'll see him later anyway?

Unless there's some huge backstory you haven't said yet.

bluebell34567 · 05/05/2019 11:55

i thought he was someone new. but still you are right.

araiwa · 05/05/2019 11:56

Does it only show online if youre actually using the app or if the phone is connected to the internet?

Shinyletsbebadguys · 05/05/2019 11:58

Dp and I will often be online on WhatsApp as we both have a few work related groups we are on. So we may well appear to be online and working and not have time to answer each other. It's not a thing.

I'm afraid as a PP has said you are feeling it makes you needy because you are

MuddyMoose · 05/05/2019 11:59

I'd feel a bit crappy about it but you are slightly needy if you know the exact amount of times he's been online. Just stop messaging & start doing something to keep yourself busy other than checking the amount of times someone's active online.

Imaginethat456 · 05/05/2019 12:03

If you’re otherwise happy, I wouldn’t worry. I’m really bad at texting my husband back while I’m at work but he understands and it doesn’t bother him. As other pp have said, maybe reduce/ stop the texts your sending him.

Hadalifeonce · 05/05/2019 12:08

Unless something is urgent, I would never contact DH at work, likewise him me, it all waits until we are at home.

Drochaid · 05/05/2019 12:11

Only shows as online if WhatsApp is open in the foreground.

Turn off read receipts.

Butchyrestingface · 05/05/2019 12:12

the other day he went to the dentist and I just texted him "how did it go?" Didn't even open my message but was online 6 times, only replied when I sent him another text. Sometimes he will reply with "I'm busy" or "having lunch/coffee". But then why are you always online when you're "so busy".

So stop texting him. Lots of people would be touched by your expressions of interest/concern and interpret them as caring. This one doesn’t appear to view them in that way.

Did you ask about the trip to the dentist when he arrived home?

NotAlwaysRight · 05/05/2019 12:13

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest op. Your DH is.

If he doesn't want to reply he should have a chat with you and say he wants to use WhatsApp for everyone else and doesn't like texting his wife all day. That's good communication and it's the grown up thing to do.

Nobody likes to send a message and hear nothing back. Why send it if you don't want a two-way communication? Surely you'd just talk to yourself or the wall!

But it sounds to me like you could do with looking at how you communicate together and I would honestly consider going to a professional to see if you can have help seeing that more clearly.

It's obviously not working for you and it's hard to tell about your DH but my guess is he's probably not finding the current situation to his satisfaction either, but probably doesn't want to rock the boat with his honesty. He might feel happier to do that with an expert helping you both. Just a thought. Sometime there's things aren't really about returning messages by itself but more about whether you're meeting each other's needs with compassion and without any detriment to yourself in the bargain.

RavenLG · 05/05/2019 12:13

If there is no massive backstory here it is very odd behaviour. Why do you have so much time you’re checking his online status that many times?

Theoldwoman · 05/05/2019 12:16

Online active status means nothing.

Wait until he gets home and talk.

Myworstnightmare123 · 05/05/2019 12:23

This is one of the reasons why I loath mobile phones...... for all of their benefits they cause no end of issues when people are contactable 24 hours a day especially during the work day. Unless it is an emergency I will reply to a text as and when I want to/am able to not because someone else is sitting at the end of a phone waiting/getting pissed off

NotAlwaysRight · 05/05/2019 12:36

Yes but the thing about the OP seeing her DH online, is it's sending the message that everyone else is important enough to receive a reply but not his wife. I'd have thought a spouse should be a priority personally, maybe not every single text message of course, but I mean in principle, in relationships.

So if a wife sees her husband online all the time, either reading or replying to someone else, I can see how that would not feel nice. I'd feel undervalued if it happened all the time.